Haven't blogged in a while, been a good week, just sitting here looking outside, waiting for this monsoon to blow over, so I can bike to the gym. Its been such a great positive week.. can't thank all of you enough for being so supportive on the radio show. I think I'm finally in a place where I'm 100% confident with everything in my life, and happy with who I am.. there have been a few road blocks in the way that have disabled me from realizing my full potential, however more so recently I was finally able to get some full closure on a couple open doors from the past. Everyone always say's with relationships why bother looking back, who needs closure, but ultimately, when you get out of a relationship quickly, and don't look back, is it really helping or hurting? I believe for myself, he was someone I really did care a lot about, but he made sure I was reminded constantly about how much he didn't like my friends, and how much he was insecure with the person he was by trying to change me. For granted, who in there right mind is going to say; "I love you, and I want to change you?" Nobody! haha. But I will say, that love makes someone do stupid things, that later on they regret. I am blessed to say that thankfully I have a really good support group, and was luckily able to not look back. Unfortunately, time allows emotions and hard feelings to set in, and regardless if you hate that person for what they did, or miss them, I think closure is good..
With that said, I'm finally ready to bring out Michael. The show has been going so good, just completed the second week last night, and can't express how excited I am to continue next week, with very special guest, Gary Cosgrove, of whom many of you know him from the imperial court of New York. However I said to myself, you know its all well and great that I want to let the world know my vision for HIV/AIDS, activism, but who the heck wants to listen to interviews all week, thats ... mediocre. I am blessed and beyond thankful that Adam Barta, and Robert Breining came on the show as special guests, and the show's went great. Next Wednesday I will be launching a second show, called Straight to the Point with Michael Lloyd - Dirty Laundry, more or less to bring out the more juicy details. I am highly looking forward to bringing all of you a very personal, blunt, humorous show, with the opportunity to call in. After all, many of you know I have an opinion for everything, and I don't hold back. So tune in Wednesday at 6:30, and recently we got the facebook up and running so check that out. Thanks everyone for all the love and support..
As for the day, its raining here in Orlando, been working out like twice a day, so super excited that I'm back on my routine. I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend.
Michael
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/mikeslloyd
Twitter: @mikeslloyd
Straight to the Point Radio Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/StraightToThePointRadio
Twitter: @PointPozitive
Straight to the Point with Michael Lloyd - Dirty Laundry (Wednesdays at 6:30 pm)-
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/straight-to-the-point/2012/06/27/straight-to-the-point-with-michael-lloyd--dirty-laundry
Straight to the Point with Michael Lloyd (Fridays at 6:30pm) - http://www.blogtalkradio.com/straight-to-the-point/2012/06/29/straight-to-the-point-with-michael-lloyd--gary-cosgrove
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Happy Fathers Day
Dad,
Happy Fathers Day, to the most humble, most caring, most blessed father in the entire world. To someone who loved when he didn't have to, to the man who went out of his way, and spent tons of money, at the time seemed so priceless to adopt two helpless boys and offer them a better life, the man who still 24 years later, is still married to the best mother in the world. For the times, I led astray, you never led me astray. To the father who, threw a ball with me or shot hoops with me every day after work, the father, who flew home from trips to be with his two sons for EVER SINGLE sporting event, the father who walked across the stage every boyscout court of honor, and held out his hand as scout master and shook both his hands son as they advanced to each rank. The very same father, went out of his way to teach both his sons how to ride a bike and later on, taught both his sons how to drive a car. Over all the many obstacles we all have gone through in life, I must say my father, Mark Lloyd is the best father in the entire world.
Love you Dad,
Michael!
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
its kinda a blur
Been a whirlwind of the past few weeks, I can remember like it was yesterday, 2 and a half weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio at Savoy, having a drink and a cigarette, and I was having an argument with my boyfriend, and without thinking about it, something said, type the words, "Are we even good for each other?, and if not, what are we doing?" and I hit send... After that everything from that point on was a total blur, mainly because I chose to make it one, other than the mere factor that I had never loved someone so much before in my life, but also hated someone so much, I still to this day, get goosebumps looking at the text of those words I sent.
Before I knew it, I was sitting on a plane next to Kurt, my best friend in the entire world, and we were looking out the windows, landing in Newark, New Jersey. Five days went by, of pure, relaxing, no drama time, with one of the most important people, other than God and my family, in my life. It was a time to get away from all the negativity, and figure out what it was that I wanted in life. For years I was here mooching off of whatever I could, or I was so lazy to the point where I didn't want to do anything for myself, but it was probably one of the best 5 days, and over due. People to this day still ask me, what the hell were you thinking!!? Truthfully, I've come to the point where I don't care what someone thinks, and if those of you heard my interview on POZIAM Radio this past Sunday, Robert Breining asked me, how do you deal with the negativity, and I said, 'I used to pay attention, but I don't anymore."
In retrospect to, the reason I'm blogging, everything is still a complete and utter whirlwind. I remember scheduling the interview with Robert before me and Maxx split, and I didn't really think about it, or rather put it into terms with my dreams and aspirations of furthering my involvement with HIV/AIDS activism. Kurt, I'm sure you can relate, that we have both accomplished so much this past year, I've seen you grow as a person so much, and I'm proud to be in your life, and call you my best friend. Just about a year ago, many of you who have been following me, probably remember I announced that I was going to start my non profit, and wanted to give back to the community. And shortly after I slipped into drugs, but I'm not totally sure....why I'm sitting here even writing this, I guess, well, mainly I'm so overwhelmed with how quickly, everything has been falling into place and how much I've grown as a person, and its been such a natural transition, but at the same time, I keep asking myself, is it right, and I've never been happier.
I think back to the break up, and going to New York, and I'm sitting here in a wet towel, and theres water dripping off my beard onto the desk, and I'm dazing off into my mirror infront of myself, and getting lost in the thoughts, which I guess are forming into words, but, I'm at a loss for words I guess, its maybe the pressure of everyone, or maybe its the factor that, WOW im actually achieving my dreams and goals, and OH SHIT, I need to finish this script for my first radio show on Friday, hmmm thats in 2 days, I'm so blaaaah. I know it'll be good, but I want to be perfect at it. You only get a first try at a first impression, some say, your only as good as your last show, but I'm nervous, scared, but also, so incredibly happy to be moving forward in my life.
Oh YEAH, thats why I'm writing this!! the break up thing, I listen to songs, and see pictures, or read stuff that was on my computer that he wrote when he spent the night a couple times, or sweet emails he sent, and its not like i MISS HIM or anything but, I haven't had time to process ANY OF THIS, ...or maybe have I processed it? How can someone go from being head over heels, I want to put a ring on this boys finger, to 3 weeks later, holding a ticket stub from a us airways flight 4545 to Orlando from Philadelphia, and in the other hand, a pen and a note bad with my script for a talk show that I have wanted for my entire life. Maybe I'm just finally having time to BREATHE? I don't think I'm scared of going forward, its just...a mind fuck. I don't feel bad that I dumped him, or don't regret anything, because, that was the biggest learning experience of my life, other than, overcoming obstacles with meth addiction and living my life with HIV. any who, I am getting exhausted, was at the gym earlier and had the runs, and started to sweat,might be getting sick from the HPV, and Tetanus shots I had last week too, maybe thats why I'm just clouded? Blaaaah. Is all of this normal, well. WAIT, what is normal :), normal is what you make it, normal I mean, breaking up with the love of your life, and sitting and preparing for your first talk show, and finalizing everything for your personal trainer certification exam. All of which, is the most rewarding thing I've ever gone through, because, not only have I grown into the person I know I'm meant to be, but I am offering other people that opportunity to improve the way they live their life. :) .. if your stil reading my jumble of thoughts that probably make no sense, thanks for reading.
and check out my radio show this Friday at 6:30pm. Straight to the Point with Michael Lloyd
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5OWYoohqJY
Friday, June 8, 2012
a piece of the puzzle
I decided, the past two years have been one vivid roller coaster, not only that of colorful experiences many of which I don't remember but experiences that have one by one come together and added to this little thing I call the puzzle of my life.
The following is an email I exchanged with Robert Breining the creator of POZIAM, the first email was to Robert on his article on his article "Evolution of a Cyber Activist"the same day I was diagnosed, January 26th, 2010.
The following is an email I exchanged with Robert Breining the creator of POZIAM, the first email was to Robert on his article on his article "Evolution of a Cyber Activist"the same day I was diagnosed, January 26th, 2010.
Robert, February 23, 2010
How are you, My name is Michael Lloyd. I read your blog on thebody.com entitled; "Evolution of a Cyber-activist." I am 20 years old. On January 26, 2010, same day your blog was posted I had a notion to go into a clinic here where I live in Orlando Florida, and got tested. I was tested with the 20 mins, rapit fingerprick test. Not only three minutes after I sat in the waiting room a doctor walked out and called me back, and told me I was 'reactive,positive' blood work was taken and on February 3rd went back and doctor told me I was positive, wanted to email you because, your blog really has sunk deep with me, since I have been doing meth for about a year now, off and on, not regularly. For the past 2 months I have been feeling th urge to smoke it almost everyday now, and I was curious, what advice you have to me as far as, is it something I tell parents about, or do I go join an N.A class as you said you did? Would really appreciate to hear back from you. Hope you have a good week.
Michael.
About two days later Robert got back to me saying;
Michael ,
Thank you for your email and comments about my blog. I was diagnosed about the same age as you. It is a process man and you will get through it. It took me 5 yrs to get to the place I am today. I advise you to stay connected with others who are HIV+. It is important to know your not alone. I told my mother I was Using and HIV+ because I couldn't stop. I know my mother was afraid that I was using meth and cocaine but was glad I realized I needed help. That is the first step - Admitting you have a problem. Most of the time our friends and family support us and often shock us with the amount of love they offer.But it all starts with you. You must admit you have a problem with the meth. I went to NA meetings because I wanted to stop and had no where to turn. If I were you I would start attending meetings. You can tell you parents about the Meth and not the HIV if that make you more comfortable. Remember move at your own pace but don't stop on the track. You'll get hit by the train. I would advise you to join my network at www.poziam.com and reach out. There is a POZ-Sober & Clean group on POZIAM for this type of support.
Getting it off your chest and saying "I have a drug problem or I have HIV" is tough but when it is all said and done... You will feel 100 times better.
Please don't hesitate to email me with more questions. Best to you on this journey
Robert Breining
HIV/AIDS Cyber-Activist,Blogger & Social Network Guru
We are of the belief that friendship is born the moment when one person says to another "What? You too? I thought I was the only one!"
Connect with me on the following social networks
Today, June 8, 2012, I am happy to say, I am still in contact with Robert, and just finished a really wonderful Skype chat with him. For months, we had exchanged messages via facebook, and we have texted here and there but haven't ever really chatted, but I never really knew if I'd see the man who truthfully changed my life forever. For granted we all have those moments when we are diagnosed where we research other peoples stories, but how often do you come actually read someones blog and have it impact you and stick for years? Not many if you ask me.
I won't give away too much of the rest of my story, considering if you go back in my blog its all right there, but Robert reached out to me a couple weeks ago and asked if I wanted to come share my story on his radio show POZIAM, and I said, "No way! I'd love to!" He asked me what I wanted to talk about, and I said, well me of course, and my story. Theres a reason everyone comes into each others lives, whether we choose to recognize that for good or bad, the important part is taking the good out of each and every situation. A couple weeks ago I had no clue what I was going to say, in fact, I almost backed out until recently. I was in a great relationship, and thought I met the love of my life, and things unfortunately didn't work out, and I kept coming back to one solid thing, whats held me together, first and foremost my faith in God, and second my parents and family and friends.
I wanted to pull myself away from the equation, and just not sure, express my thoughts I guess? For over a year now I have wanted to get actively involved in HIV advocacy work, did I know how, or where to go, or who to talk to? Absolutely freaking not! But I am blessed to say, we all come back into each others lives for a reason one way or another, and I think I take a lot of this to my head, not the radio thing, but the blessed life I've been given, and the blessings of friendship and family. I read on a daily basis stories of many of you about how you came from broken homes, or your mother or father died when you were young. For granted I am adopted and Mark & Lori Lloyd, you both have always been my family, but when it comes down to it, I have nothing to complain about, and I think the past two years of fighting, and the terror of meth addiction, has all brought to this point where I have been given such an amazing opportunity to reach out, and tell the world, tell my friends, tell my family, and express to Robert what I've gone through, and how that simple blog he shared, and him reaching back out to me, was the first glimmer of hope for me, that said, "Michael.... your going to beat this, and it won't be easy, but there are people who care". So I do thank all of you who have supported me over the past couple years, and I am proud to say everything is finally beginning to come together for me.
Robert, thank you for replying back to me on February 25, 2010. I was a lost little boy, stuck in a world of meth, and newly diagnosed and didn't know where to go, and I thank you for being that shining puzzle piece in the pile of thousands of pieces, that still today has been a shining glimmer of hope for me to keep fighting.
For all of you who are interested in hearing my wonderful interview with Robert Breining himself , you can click the link below, and listen in LIVE, this Sunday at 9pm, and infact call in and ask me questions.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Blessed
I am beyond overjoyed, and can not thank God any more for being so tremendously blessed. My parents have always been right, God does have a plan for my life, and I was rescued from that orphanage for a reason and have been a fighter ever since.
As I sit here on the patio and look out over the beautiful lake, all I see is blue sky, and clouds, and take breath after breath, and can't be any more thankful for how happy I am. But not only because of news from the doctor, but because, for the past couple years I have been going through a spiritual battle with God, and I wasn't really sure where I stood, or where I fit in so to speak with the whole, being gay, and being a Christian thing, or if I should be ashamed, but as I sit here and type, tears of happiness come down my cheek and I have goosebumps, and I believe this is a sign that God does answer prayer, and is that little sign I was praying for over the years of trouble and heart ache. Can't be happier. I will defeat this and be the best I can be and be healthier every day.
Phone call from the doctor;
Michael? 'Yes', Hi, this is Dr. De Jesus, I wanted to let you know that we are going to put you on a study trial for Hepatitis C, and I am confident that we will cure this disease, and that you will be healthier. I am also going to have to change your HIV medications due to the interactions, and protocol for the study trial program. Your current medications are Complera which is the three in one, once a day, I want to change that to Truvada, and Isentress which is once in the morning and once at night. "What side effects will I have?" 'I assure you, considering your numbers are great and you are undetectable that you will see no side effects what so ever, and I am very confident in this decision. Are you interested? I said. ABSOLUTELY, LETS DO THIS!"
Call me crazy, or silly, for posting so much, but I can't thank God enough and my parents and friends for being so supportive in helping me get to this point. Living healthy should be a priority in everyones life. Not only for those who have HIV but those who don't, stay active, and exercise and above all give your body the fuel it needs. TRUST ME, I am living proof. If you want to become well, and get healthy, your the one whose going to wake up and make that decision, nobody else!
and for those of you who have been following it would mean the world to me if you support me in the AIDS WALK on May 19th. Not for me, but for others!!
Walker: Michael Lloyd
https://secure.kgihost.net/aidswalkorlando.org/donate.php?user_id=2181
As I sit here on the patio and look out over the beautiful lake, all I see is blue sky, and clouds, and take breath after breath, and can't be any more thankful for how happy I am. But not only because of news from the doctor, but because, for the past couple years I have been going through a spiritual battle with God, and I wasn't really sure where I stood, or where I fit in so to speak with the whole, being gay, and being a Christian thing, or if I should be ashamed, but as I sit here and type, tears of happiness come down my cheek and I have goosebumps, and I believe this is a sign that God does answer prayer, and is that little sign I was praying for over the years of trouble and heart ache. Can't be happier. I will defeat this and be the best I can be and be healthier every day.
Phone call from the doctor;
Michael? 'Yes', Hi, this is Dr. De Jesus, I wanted to let you know that we are going to put you on a study trial for Hepatitis C, and I am confident that we will cure this disease, and that you will be healthier. I am also going to have to change your HIV medications due to the interactions, and protocol for the study trial program. Your current medications are Complera which is the three in one, once a day, I want to change that to Truvada, and Isentress which is once in the morning and once at night. "What side effects will I have?" 'I assure you, considering your numbers are great and you are undetectable that you will see no side effects what so ever, and I am very confident in this decision. Are you interested? I said. ABSOLUTELY, LETS DO THIS!"
Call me crazy, or silly, for posting so much, but I can't thank God enough and my parents and friends for being so supportive in helping me get to this point. Living healthy should be a priority in everyones life. Not only for those who have HIV but those who don't, stay active, and exercise and above all give your body the fuel it needs. TRUST ME, I am living proof. If you want to become well, and get healthy, your the one whose going to wake up and make that decision, nobody else!
and for those of you who have been following it would mean the world to me if you support me in the AIDS WALK on May 19th. Not for me, but for others!!
Walker: Michael Lloyd
https://secure.kgihost.net/aidswalkorlando.org/donate.php?user_id=2181
Friday, May 4, 2012
When you Believe"
Many nights we pray
no proof anyone could hear
And our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understand
Dear HIV, January 26th 12:16pm
As I sit here waiting, I keep rolling up my sleeves of my blue and white striped Hollister shirt,
that for some reason isn't cooperating. This belt is way too tight, Ugh, all I really want to do is go back
' and cuddle with him, and I know he's sitting in the car sick to his stomach for my results to come back
for this stupid test. Was it something I even wanted to do? "ugh this is so weird, who are all these
people and why are they sick and coughing, bandaids, this place is freaking me out, cant the hurry up
with the damn, "Michael you can come on back now", the young black woman said as she opened the
door with the ever so comforting smile on her face. If you've read the other blogs I've written, the first
one did go over, the rest of the story on how I found out the diagnosis of my HIV status. That little
voice in my head that I felt about HIV, when I was diagnosed, that scared, I'm lonely feeling is no
longer gone." I will say HIV, you have made me one strong person, and during the course of the past
two years those moments of weakness that brought about my addiction to meth, and the battle that I
face each and every- day.
Now we are not afraid
Although we know there?s much to fear
We were moving mountains long Before we know we could
Oh yes, there can be miracles When you believe
Though hope is frail It?s hard to kill
Dear Friends && Family, May 4, 2012
I wouldn't take any of it back, but I wish I was more educated back then, and that brings me to ,my
next point, HIV YOU NO LONGER AS OF TODAY WILL HAVE CONTROL OF MY LIFE, I
have overcome this, and am now undetectable and have been on medication for 4 months now. I will
no longer be binded by a over powering, demon in my life, as wake up every day, I look forward to
taking that one pill, because I feel better each and every day! and for so many people they aren't as
blessed. After years of prayer, blood, sweat and tears, I am finally happy with the person I have
become, and the person I want to be! I praise God, and those around me who have encouraged me
every single day to take care of myself even when I didn't care because I finally get it, I can be happy,
and HIV is NOT going to knock me down! I am proud to announce I am starting personal training
certification through AFAA that I will be tested on at the end of June, and will be taking one class this
summer at Valencia, in addition to looking for a part time job on the side. All you have to do is believe,
and trust in yourself and know there is a better tomorrow. With that said I would like to announce to
all of you I am walking in the AIDS WALK in Orlando, on Saturday, May 19, at Lake Eola in
Downtown Orlando. I am overjoyed to be walking side by side with the team Mamma Dee Crusaders,
my dear mentor Rob Domenico's mother's team, Dee Richter, and I have entered as an individual
walker. Within the last 24 hours, thanks to those of you who have generously supported me have put
me over my $100 mark to be eligible to walk. I am overly blessed And would mean the world to me if
you can, even if only a dollar, can donate money to my individual walker fund and help those like
MYSELF be happy, and happiness does come from within, but so many people are suffering and
struggling under binds and need support from the community! Say no to ignorance! For those of you
who did support me during my birthday fundraiser, I raised over $240 for Hope & Help in Central
Florida, and I thank Rob Domenico for his contributions to our community and the HIV community in Orlando Florida and has daily inspired me to be the best I can be.
If you would like to support me in this very honorable cause the link below will direct you to a secure website to donate, and select individual walker and select my name :)
https://secure.kgihost.net/aidswalkorlando.org/donate.php?user_id=2181
I love you all so vert much, and God Bless, and to those living with HIV, you can win, and we will
come together as one and stop the spread of HIV and help our friends get on track.
Michael Lloyd <3
And our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understand
Dear HIV, January 26th 12:16pm
As I sit here waiting, I keep rolling up my sleeves of my blue and white striped Hollister shirt,
that for some reason isn't cooperating. This belt is way too tight, Ugh, all I really want to do is go back
' and cuddle with him, and I know he's sitting in the car sick to his stomach for my results to come back
for this stupid test. Was it something I even wanted to do? "ugh this is so weird, who are all these
people and why are they sick and coughing, bandaids, this place is freaking me out, cant the hurry up
with the damn, "Michael you can come on back now", the young black woman said as she opened the
door with the ever so comforting smile on her face. If you've read the other blogs I've written, the first
one did go over, the rest of the story on how I found out the diagnosis of my HIV status. That little
voice in my head that I felt about HIV, when I was diagnosed, that scared, I'm lonely feeling is no
longer gone." I will say HIV, you have made me one strong person, and during the course of the past
two years those moments of weakness that brought about my addiction to meth, and the battle that I
face each and every- day.
Now we are not afraid
Although we know there?s much to fear
We were moving mountains long Before we know we could
Oh yes, there can be miracles When you believe
Though hope is frail It?s hard to kill
Dear Friends && Family, May 4, 2012
I wouldn't take any of it back, but I wish I was more educated back then, and that brings me to ,my
next point, HIV YOU NO LONGER AS OF TODAY WILL HAVE CONTROL OF MY LIFE, I
have overcome this, and am now undetectable and have been on medication for 4 months now. I will
no longer be binded by a over powering, demon in my life, as wake up every day, I look forward to
taking that one pill, because I feel better each and every day! and for so many people they aren't as
blessed. After years of prayer, blood, sweat and tears, I am finally happy with the person I have
become, and the person I want to be! I praise God, and those around me who have encouraged me
every single day to take care of myself even when I didn't care because I finally get it, I can be happy,
and HIV is NOT going to knock me down! I am proud to announce I am starting personal training
certification through AFAA that I will be tested on at the end of June, and will be taking one class this
summer at Valencia, in addition to looking for a part time job on the side. All you have to do is believe,
and trust in yourself and know there is a better tomorrow. With that said I would like to announce to
all of you I am walking in the AIDS WALK in Orlando, on Saturday, May 19, at Lake Eola in
Downtown Orlando. I am overjoyed to be walking side by side with the team Mamma Dee Crusaders,
my dear mentor Rob Domenico's mother's team, Dee Richter, and I have entered as an individual
walker. Within the last 24 hours, thanks to those of you who have generously supported me have put
me over my $100 mark to be eligible to walk. I am overly blessed And would mean the world to me if
you can, even if only a dollar, can donate money to my individual walker fund and help those like
MYSELF be happy, and happiness does come from within, but so many people are suffering and
struggling under binds and need support from the community! Say no to ignorance! For those of you
who did support me during my birthday fundraiser, I raised over $240 for Hope & Help in Central
Florida, and I thank Rob Domenico for his contributions to our community and the HIV community in Orlando Florida and has daily inspired me to be the best I can be.
If you would like to support me in this very honorable cause the link below will direct you to a secure website to donate, and select individual walker and select my name :)
https://secure.kgihost.net/aidswalkorlando.org/donate.php?user_id=2181
I love you all so vert much, and God Bless, and to those living with HIV, you can win, and we will
come together as one and stop the spread of HIV and help our friends get on track.
Michael Lloyd <3
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Step By Step
Not only a dedication to myself but to my parents;
My parents, Mark and Lori Lloyd, which I say you both all the time, but your the reason I wake up every day and want to start my day that small cup of coffee we have whether its once a week, or even the argument ovcer the damn red ceramic frying pan, we have our little moments I know one day I'll not be able to cherish and have and for that reason I am turning my life around, for us as a family and for me.
"Well, there's a bridge and there's a river
That I still must cross
As I'm going on my journey
Oh I might be lost"
Do we look at the little things in life, for example, someone that I have yet to meet from Facebook, his name is Nick Biesik, and for months, we've spoken but never really had any connection, other than, and he may kill me but we have our flity; oh you look cute today, otherwise, one thing that I thought about today was, he doesn't send the the "good morning michael" text messages at 5 am, now he asks me throughout the day, one thing that struck me, he said was, "I'm spending my time worrying about you while spending time with my family" following shortly there after he also said; "I am not putting this much effort in it to see you throw your fucking life away."
Reason I wanted to post this morning, not only is it the resurection of Jesus, so Happy Easter, but, as a couple of you know I had an incident on the 26th of March I believe, and I had 'pnp' and for those of you who don't know get high and have sex, and for those who have followed me on Adam4adam, or Barebackrt.com, or Manhunt and a couple other sites, I have listed; Drug Use. My choice has always been dope. I remember starting on a Tuesday evening I had gotten in this ridiculous argument with my ex-best friend, as we had a falling out, I was outraged, drunk, and whats the first thing you do when your drunk, that is for all of the addicts out there, go on to the next level, for some of us that may be weed, others, like myself its shooting up. On Friday morning around 2:15 I called the cops , in utter panic, and distress, hallucinating
"And there's a road I have to follow, a place I have to go
A place I have to go
Well no one has told me just how to get there
But when I get there I'll know cause I'm taking it"
Two days ago, I for some reason, chose to fall back again, had been speaking to someone online, and we had met up for a few drinks at a little bar in Orlando, called Wyldes, apparently, everyone kept buying me drinks, and I was inebriated beyond belief, and for those who are waiting for that first moment where I spill the raunch, some old man gave me a blow job on the patio.
Long story short, woke up, at my friend Kurt Wagner's house, we had no idea how we got there, somehow the bar tending drove us home, as we made complete embarasing spectacles of ourselves. In the midst I had met someone online from a website, and we had mentioned the whole PNP thing, blah whatever, I was walking home like I had been sitting on tree trunks :) On a serious note, I have spoken to so many people and they continue to say what the fuck is wrong with you? Even my brother has looked at me, and said, what the hell are you doing to yourself?
I remember walking up to the house, after lying to my parents, saying, no I was safe, no drugs, no alcohol, no sex, as we are very close in the respect of they've been my biggest supporters through the HIV process and, I kinda teared up walking down the street, with that nasty, and if you've done crystal meth you know the way that smells, its gross. I was walking up the driveway and stopped and looked in the mirror in the car and said, "walk of shame, again? how many times, do you have to let your own parents see your stupidity and not rising to the occasion and taking ownership?
Is that road a road I want my mother or father to drive down, and see an ambulance in the driveway with me in a body bag, or should they , my own parents not get that much respect from me to owe them my life, and that I will grow up to be the man they taught me to be. And after so much long considering I was so difficult on myself for those other people in my life that bought the drinks, who knew the triggers but....
"Step by step, bit by bit
Stone by stone, yeah brick by brick
Step by step, day by day
Mile by mile, go on your way, go your way"
I believe, being awake now since Thursday early morning, on probably 2 grams worth of dope/crystal meth, whatever you want to call the sTuff. I have realized, yeah, people like to bring each other down, in their shortcomings, but all in the same manner, those people like Nick above and a couple others have tremendously distanced themselves from or out of my life due to my lifestyle choices. I remember, thinking back to when I was first diagnosed with HIV, January 26th, at 12:15pm at Hug Me in Orlando; which so many people don't seem to realize how special those dates are to certain people. My parents, Mark and Lori Lloyd, which I say you both all the time, but your the reason I wake up every day and want to start my day so I love you both so much. I knew who my friends were, it wasn't their choice, I didn't have to weed out the, "I'm so sorry for your situation" kind of person, or those who, "Michael we still love you for who you are," but the moment I got out of the shower they had every cleaning chemical in there scrubbing every last grout line. Back to the drugs, as I am quite sidetracked and I need to try and sleep at least 3 hours for Church, however I suppose, those faces who I wake up and see that, "Hi Good morning" or we all have those same people who like the same things on Facebook, and its really special to appreciate those notifications, not only, did someone take the opportunity to open their life to you, but there interested in what's going on in yours, and for so many years, I have neglected close friend's and our friendships were no longer close during my drug prime, and I thank you Jenna Tuck, for the tough love, as did you Mom and Dad, and its embarassing to relapse and continue to go back, but when I come home and, see friends that do care, I'm reminded of my special qualities, and why you and Dad adopted me from Romania, and that was not to throw it away.
My parents, Mark and Lori Lloyd, which I say you both all the time, but your the reason I wake up every day and want to start my day that small cup of coffee we have whether its once a week, or even the argument ovcer the damn red ceramic frying pan, we have our little moments I know one day I'll not be able to cherish and have and for that reason I am turning my life around, for us as a family and for me.
"Well, there's a bridge and there's a river
That I still must cross
As I'm going on my journey
Oh I might be lost"
Do we look at the little things in life, for example, someone that I have yet to meet from Facebook, his name is Nick Biesik, and for months, we've spoken but never really had any connection, other than, and he may kill me but we have our flity; oh you look cute today, otherwise, one thing that I thought about today was, he doesn't send the the "good morning michael" text messages at 5 am, now he asks me throughout the day, one thing that struck me, he said was, "I'm spending my time worrying about you while spending time with my family" following shortly there after he also said; "I am not putting this much effort in it to see you throw your fucking life away."
Reason I wanted to post this morning, not only is it the resurection of Jesus, so Happy Easter, but, as a couple of you know I had an incident on the 26th of March I believe, and I had 'pnp' and for those of you who don't know get high and have sex, and for those who have followed me on Adam4adam, or Barebackrt.com, or Manhunt and a couple other sites, I have listed; Drug Use. My choice has always been dope. I remember starting on a Tuesday evening I had gotten in this ridiculous argument with my ex-best friend, as we had a falling out, I was outraged, drunk, and whats the first thing you do when your drunk, that is for all of the addicts out there, go on to the next level, for some of us that may be weed, others, like myself its shooting up. On Friday morning around 2:15 I called the cops , in utter panic, and distress, hallucinating
"And there's a road I have to follow, a place I have to go
A place I have to go
Well no one has told me just how to get there
But when I get there I'll know cause I'm taking it"
Two days ago, I for some reason, chose to fall back again, had been speaking to someone online, and we had met up for a few drinks at a little bar in Orlando, called Wyldes, apparently, everyone kept buying me drinks, and I was inebriated beyond belief, and for those who are waiting for that first moment where I spill the raunch, some old man gave me a blow job on the patio.
Long story short, woke up, at my friend Kurt Wagner's house, we had no idea how we got there, somehow the bar tending drove us home, as we made complete embarasing spectacles of ourselves. In the midst I had met someone online from a website, and we had mentioned the whole PNP thing, blah whatever, I was walking home like I had been sitting on tree trunks :) On a serious note, I have spoken to so many people and they continue to say what the fuck is wrong with you? Even my brother has looked at me, and said, what the hell are you doing to yourself?
I remember walking up to the house, after lying to my parents, saying, no I was safe, no drugs, no alcohol, no sex, as we are very close in the respect of they've been my biggest supporters through the HIV process and, I kinda teared up walking down the street, with that nasty, and if you've done crystal meth you know the way that smells, its gross. I was walking up the driveway and stopped and looked in the mirror in the car and said, "walk of shame, again? how many times, do you have to let your own parents see your stupidity and not rising to the occasion and taking ownership?
Is that road a road I want my mother or father to drive down, and see an ambulance in the driveway with me in a body bag, or should they , my own parents not get that much respect from me to owe them my life, and that I will grow up to be the man they taught me to be. And after so much long considering I was so difficult on myself for those other people in my life that bought the drinks, who knew the triggers but....
"Step by step, bit by bit
Stone by stone, yeah brick by brick
Step by step, day by day
Mile by mile, go on your way, go your way"
I believe, being awake now since Thursday early morning, on probably 2 grams worth of dope/crystal meth, whatever you want to call the sTuff. I have realized, yeah, people like to bring each other down, in their shortcomings, but all in the same manner, those people like Nick above and a couple others have tremendously distanced themselves from or out of my life due to my lifestyle choices. I remember, thinking back to when I was first diagnosed with HIV, January 26th, at 12:15pm at Hug Me in Orlando; which so many people don't seem to realize how special those dates are to certain people. My parents, Mark and Lori Lloyd, which I say you both all the time, but your the reason I wake up every day and want to start my day so I love you both so much. I knew who my friends were, it wasn't their choice, I didn't have to weed out the, "I'm so sorry for your situation" kind of person, or those who, "Michael we still love you for who you are," but the moment I got out of the shower they had every cleaning chemical in there scrubbing every last grout line. Back to the drugs, as I am quite sidetracked and I need to try and sleep at least 3 hours for Church, however I suppose, those faces who I wake up and see that, "Hi Good morning" or we all have those same people who like the same things on Facebook, and its really special to appreciate those notifications, not only, did someone take the opportunity to open their life to you, but there interested in what's going on in yours, and for so many years, I have neglected close friend's and our friendships were no longer close during my drug prime, and I thank you Jenna Tuck, for the tough love, as did you Mom and Dad, and its embarassing to relapse and continue to go back, but when I come home and, see friends that do care, I'm reminded of my special qualities, and why you and Dad adopted me from Romania, and that was not to throw it away.
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