its kinda a blur

          Been a whirlwind of the past few weeks, I can remember like it was yesterday, 2 and a half weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio at Savoy, having a drink and a cigarette, and I was having an argument with my boyfriend, and without thinking about it, something said, type the words, "Are we even good for each other?, and if not, what are we doing?" and I hit send... After that everything from that point on was a total blur, mainly because I chose to make it one, other than the mere factor that I had never loved someone so much before in my life, but also hated someone so much, I still to this day, get goosebumps looking at the text of those words I sent.  

  

        Before I knew it, I was sitting on a plane next to Kurt, my best friend in the entire world, and we were looking out the windows, landing in Newark, New Jersey.  Five days went by, of pure, relaxing, no drama time, with one of the most important people, other than God and my family, in my life.  It was a time to get away from all the negativity, and figure out what it was that I wanted in life.  For years I was here mooching off of whatever I could, or I was so lazy to the point where I didn't want to do anything for myself, but it was probably one of the best 5 days, and over due.  People to this day still ask me, what the hell were you thinking!!?  Truthfully, I've come to the point where I don't care what someone thinks, and if those of you heard my interview on POZIAM Radio this past Sunday, Robert Breining asked me, how do you deal with the negativity, and I said, 'I used to pay attention, but I don't anymore."

     In retrospect to, the reason I'm blogging, everything is still a complete and utter whirlwind.  I remember scheduling the interview with Robert before me and Maxx split, and I didn't really think about it, or rather put it into terms with my dreams and aspirations of furthering my involvement with HIV/AIDS activism.  Kurt, I'm sure you can relate, that we have both accomplished so much this past year, I've seen you grow as a person so much, and I'm proud to be in your life, and call you my best friend.  Just about a year ago, many of you who have been following me, probably remember I announced that I was going to start my non profit, and wanted to give back to the community.  And shortly after I slipped into drugs, but I'm not totally sure....why I'm sitting here even writing this, I guess, well, mainly I'm so overwhelmed with how quickly, everything has been falling into place and how much I've grown as a person, and its been such a natural transition, but at the same time, I keep asking myself, is it right, and I've never been happier.  

    I think back to the break up, and going to New York, and I'm sitting here in a wet towel, and theres water dripping off my beard onto the desk, and I'm dazing off into my mirror infront of myself, and getting lost in the thoughts, which I guess are forming into words, but, I'm at a loss for words I guess, its maybe the pressure of everyone, or maybe its the factor that, WOW im actually achieving my dreams and goals, and OH SHIT, I need to finish this script for my first radio show on Friday, hmmm thats in 2 days, I'm so blaaaah.  I know it'll be good, but I want to be perfect at it.  You only get a first try at a first impression, some say, your only as good as your last show, but I'm nervous, scared, but also, so incredibly happy to be moving forward in my life. 

     Oh YEAH, thats why I'm writing this!!  the break up thing,  I listen to songs, and see pictures, or read stuff that was on my computer that he wrote when he spent the night a couple times, or sweet emails he sent, and its not like i MISS HIM or anything but, I haven't had time to process ANY OF THIS, ...or maybe have I processed it?  How can someone go from being head over heels, I want to put a ring on this boys finger, to 3 weeks later, holding a ticket stub from a us airways flight 4545 to Orlando from Philadelphia, and in the other hand, a pen and a note bad with my script for a talk show that I have wanted for my entire life.  Maybe I'm just finally having time to BREATHE?   I don't think I'm scared of going forward, its just...a mind fuck.  I don't feel bad that I dumped him, or don't regret anything, because, that was the biggest learning experience of my life, other than, overcoming obstacles with meth addiction and living my life with HIV.  any who,  I am getting exhausted,  was at the gym earlier and had the runs, and started to sweat,might be getting sick from the HPV, and Tetanus shots I had last week too, maybe thats why I'm just clouded?  Blaaaah.  Is all of this normal, well. WAIT, what is normal :), normal is what you make it, normal I mean, breaking up with the love of your life, and sitting and preparing for your first talk show, and finalizing everything for your personal trainer certification exam.  All of which, is the most rewarding thing I've ever gone through, because, not only have I grown into the person I know I'm meant to be, but I am offering other people that opportunity to improve the way they live their life.  :)  ..  if your stil reading my jumble of thoughts that probably make no sense, thanks for reading.  

and check out my radio show this Friday at 6:30pm.  Straight to the Point with Michael Lloyd

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5OWYoohqJY