Sunday, December 4, 2011

through the cold fog

Not sure what it was or what called me to open the app on my iPhone and start writing, I'm not quite sure exactly what it is I'm writing about or what it is that I'm even thinking about other than the fact that for some reason I felt this wave of weakness and for some odd reason despite how incredibly amazing my life is going I'm not sure if I got the urge to want to use crystal meth again or if it was th offer from someone I talked online or...what :(. Just one of those moments and many of you addicts can relate. Is it the inner demon pulling me back from th ability to be happy or is it that fear or not sure exactly and I'm sure this isn't making any send what do ever except well to those of you who know me I may but I felt like I should at least write it seems to help me through it and despite everything even in the cold breeze I sit here and ask myself, do I want to keep running into the cold fog, where I don know where I'm going but the possibility in the back of my head says if you don't try how will you know of the fog clears up ahead or I can turn back and continue on a path that is so very familiar but yet so unfamiliar that it scares me to death to think I could evn grasp the concept or idea of wanting to turn back. I was planning on going out to a bar and getting hammered again tonight but I think I'm going to keep running despite the bitter cold and I will not turn back to my past of despair!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

a little thing called life

Life is what you make it out to be, but what defines life, is it something that merely is word used to describe your every day routine, or is it more so personal in that it’s a depiction of your inner soul….
Many of you probably have already made it to work today, and are already finishing your second cup of coffee or maybe your on your way to get your cup of hot starbucks to start your day, or like myself your working from home. What routine do you follow do you wake up, pull up the NYTimes app on your phone, or like myself you have to check and see whose on Grindr. Breakfast may follow shortly thereafter, or you may hop in the shower, frantically dry off and throw on a fresh suit, spritz on the closest cologne fragrance in grasp and then wipe on some deodorant and gargle with mouth wash before heading out the door. We all have a routine we follow to start our day. For others it mayconsit of laying in bed all morning, maybe making a fresh pot of cheap coffee, having a frozen prefabricated, artificial overload flavored breakfast, and then catching up on reruns on the DVR before getting up to start your day.

For the longest time, I was an indvidual who would lay around in bed, and answer emails, and texts on my phone, amongst other distracting applications and before I knew it, the clock said 1pm. I usually showered, and then maybe ran out with a close friend of mine, to get a beer, and then came home just as mom was starting dinner, and then I’d be up til the crack of dawn bullshitting online. Amongst the many distractions I seemed to find comfort in, to sway away from “life” I said to myself for the past 3 years, what was I accomplishing, if anything at all? However solitiude is when you find yourself, regardless of the countless times in which I seeked approval in other aspects of my ‘life’, I never found myself. Approval was sought in so many areas, the simple acceptance from a random stranger at a bar, not even to listen to what the other person was saying, but merely the satisfaction, that someone wanted to listen to me. Sounds silly right? Well other than being self absorbed, I began to realize, what is it about my ‘life’ that I find so undesireable that I can’t seek out the positives in myself and succeed? I mean after all, I could be living a life of a poor Romanian boy on the streets of Oradea if my amazing parents didn’t adopt me, Mark and Lori Lloyd. Sometimes I stop and think during my times of sulking, what would my life be like, if I wasn’t given this amazing opportuinity here in America. At the same time, I am ever so thankful for everything my parents have done for me. In those down times, where I find myself in bed for three days without showering, or even moving from my bed, what do I have to be ungrateful for?

The weekend before thanksgiving, I actually splipped up with drugs, and went on a 4 day binge, I had an amazing birthday trip planned to come to New Jersey to spend time with friends, and celebrate my birthday. The days before, I was grouchy, and quite frankly what would any trip to the northeast do to make me happy. However, thinking back, the countless times I sulked and complained about life, why do I resort back to drugs. I think it has to do with that little word called ‘life’, which is far greater than a little mere word in our vocabulary. Going back to my days spent in bed til 1pm, I believe we condition ourselves nad become accustom to a way of living, and I suppose I told myself, based off of nothing anyone else said to me, that I didn’t really have one. Also many of you are aware of my passion to help those who have gone through a similar past as myself with the addiction process, and some say; ‘well Michael how are you qualified to start a non profit if in fact you slip up and relapse on drugs’ good question? In the same respect, someone offered you another chance when you were late to work, or didn’t finish something and nearly lost your position in the company you work for. Are they comparably valid, I’m not sure, but we all are entitled to happiness and the ability to succeed in life.

On my trip here in New Jersey I have become more aware of whats important in life, I have started a charity for my birthday to raise money for Hope & Help in Central Florida, as a birthday wish for anyone to donate anything they can to help those affected by HIV and AIDS. Its an amazing 501c3 organization and 90 cents to every dollar is turned around for good in the community they specialize in counseling and life coaching, as that is something I am very passionate about. Life as one chooses to see is it in my own words, up to you, personal, and sacred to you. I don’t think its about what you do, what you have or who you are, but more so how you see it, and those around you. I have found anew passion of raising money for charities, and this morning have signed on to be ateam leader for the AIDS walk in Orlando in March, I will be pulling together a team of 10 people and we each plan on raising atleast 100 dollars ☺. I challenge many of you to support me in this, as HIV and AIDS, as it is not as much a stigma as it once were, but is still a huge epidemic in our everyday lives.

Please direct your generosity and good energy here:

In the "donation purpose" field, please enter "Michael Lloyd's Birthday request"

Together, we are saving lives and showing our neighbors affected by HIV/AIDS they are not alone!

Hope and Help Center of Central Florida, Inc. HIV/AIDS Awareness and Assistance, Orlando AIDS/HIV Te
The Hope and Help Center of Central Florida's mission is to save lives by treating and preventing the spread of HIV/AIDS in Central Florida. Orlando AIDS Testing, HIV/AIDS Education

Friday, November 18, 2011

My Birthday/Christmas Wish to all of you.

For many of you the next few weeks to come are going to be strenuous, stressful, and above all, more blessed than any of us really can fathom at one given time. The holiday season is filled with joy, happiness, and showering of love and generousity. For myself for years, as many of you know I was blessed enough to have two of best parents in the world, anyone could ever ask for, Mark and Lori Lloyd, who adopted me from an orphanage, brought me to this country and offered me alife in which, I probably would have never had otherwise, every Christmas, was a morning with not one wink of sleep the night before, of course the following day was filled with baking cookies for santa, and dumping every last dusting of sprinkles on the floor for the sugar cookies, which at the time looked like crap but, it was always a tradition. Even now, we have the traditions reigning still, the family advent time after a great Sunday evening dinner, with our eggnog, in the same red christmas glass cups we've been drinking out of since we came together as a family. Over the years however as many of you also know I have made decisions, based on lack of self respect and poor judgement due to getting in with the wrong crowd, and getting into drugs, alcoholism, and sex addiction, although I realize these choices have altered my quality of life, only slightly though, I accept these, and again have been more than blessed with the oppportunity to have health insurance, and an amazing doctor and team to look at my HIV/Hepatitis C needs.

For my 22nd Birthday this year I would like to take the spotlight off me me, for the next 2 weeks, and as Worlds Aids Day is remembered on December 1st, I would like, any of you, who have followed me through this journey, those of you who have helped me over come obstacles, and those of you who have been by my side since day one, to donate whatever you can, perhaps even only a mere dollar, to Hope & Help, an organization in Central Florida, to help those who are in need in the community with HIV/AIDS. I know its not asking much, but to those unlike myself, who weren't offered the prestine life in which I was given so easily, and still have, to help out this organization so they can go out in the community, would more than anything bring tears of happiness to my eyes, and far exceed any birthday phone call, greeting, or any christmas card. Thank you all so much.

Love, Michael.


Please direct your generosity and energy here.

In the "donations purpose" field, please enter, "Michael Lloyd's Birthday request"

Together we are saving lives and showing our neighbors affected by HIV/AIDS they are not alone!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

HIV vs. Reality

I’ve been pondering on the ideal of the best way to express my thoughts on this, and in fact after speaking to someone in North Jersey, a new friend who has been positive for over a year, we discussed a lot of things, both of which agreed on the ideal that people have a stigma towards HIV, and that someone needs to stand and make a difference whether that’s through photography are through public speaking, community involvement, or cinematography. I want to work with my him to do a photo shoot project to depict how society views the HIV positive community, and the way the individual feels about themselves. Seldom do we think while were sitting at a dinner table on a date with someone there's so many things in which that go through out head, one of which are they poz, do they have anything, how big are they, are they lying to me, or is this the real deal? Unfortunately, we look past the common factor that, chances are more often than not there are people in that very restaurant who prepared your food for you, or handled the glass in which your red wine sits in. In addition, the man who opened the door at concierge at the hotel; or the secretary at the doctors office. As well as flight attendant who gave you your peanuts, or helped you put your suitcase in the over head bin The clerk at the boutique one loves to go to who rings them out with their purchase, why is it that, we forget that these very people either have one, an STD, or an auto immune deficiency disease. I think it's sickening to me. A majority of HIV positive people I am around, including that of myself are fully appreciative as life, and accepting that we have to take care of ourselves, which isn't too hard to do, and we can live a great life. I don't think its a death sentence people are afraid of, I think in young people more or less its the stigma in which they see how society treats it and when someone is diagnosed they feel cramped, and aren't sure who to go to. When you think about it, when your standing in church, following the ceremony with someone, or perhaps waiting line at your local chipotle for a burrito, again more often than not someone your close with has some kind of an STD, or knows someone directly with HIV, when you don’t know, why would it make a difference right? Unfortunately, and many can argue, but from experience when I have told people of my status, I get the, can you use your own towel from home, I get the oh don’t come in the kitchen, or don’t get too close to my baby thing, and the attitude does change, unfortunately.

Monday, August 29, 2011

We take life for granted

We take things for granted so much, today I was in the car on the way up with a friend from Palm Bay, and we were discussing family trips... and I think back, being blessed to go to London, Spain, and Morocco all in 1997, on 10 hours of flying, crying, screaming and complaining. The trip was based to learn arabic in Spain and reach out to the Muslims traveling across the mediterranean to Morocco about the gospel of Jesus Christ. Thinking back it was all short of boring, At the time I was obsessed with 747 jets, and we got to fly Virgin Atlantic, and it was a long 8 hour flight, I had my first passport, which was all new to me and was overjoyed as we got to Orlando International Airport we got our little messenger bags from the airline with sleeping masks, logo'd toothbrushes, and headphones and who knows what else they gave the kids. The flight was so long and overlooking the atlantic freaked me out.. but we got there, and it was an experience to never forget, the london taxi cabs, the double decker red buses, London Bridge, it all was magical within itself. But...unfortunately, looking back as me and my friend Carl talked about in the car today, I don't remember much. I remember the small details, like getting off the plain, but to remember the people, and absorbing the culture, and furthermore the experience of seeing the joy on Mom and Dad's faces would be something I wish I could go back to see. In the end of the Europe/Africa Missionary trip, we took a small ferry over to Tanger, Morocco and Mom and Dad both used to do missionary work, Dad lived in Uganda, Mom was in Nigeria and of course Morocco is no where near, but. I remember after the rocky boat ride, I looked down the railing and saw the look of happiness on Mom and dads face as we approached the coast and it was almost like they were coming home, but I remember then looked down at us and we were so incredibly happy and bouncing up and down, I just wish we could relive those little moments again.

Also thinking back there were little road trips on the way to Chicago to see Grandma and Mom's famly we stopped in Tennessee at some of the caves and such and hiked down, or on the trip to South Dakota to see Mount Rushmore, and driving through canyons and suddenly our car was surrounded by buffalo. To horse back ride in the Rocky Mountains and see elk. The small day trip me and Dad took to Mexico, all so small, but still was an awesome experience, one of whichthat I will never forget but wish I remembered.

Even my first flag football match and making my first goal, so silly and small but a memory of looking back and seeing Mom and Dad cheering with the biggest grins on their faces, and the high fives from the team. Every piano recital and practice Mom was there, and Every boyscout camp out and troop meeting Dad was there every step of the way, I'm sure thousands was spent on me and daniel to enjoy life and learn and become well rounded members of society, I wish I did those things now to be able to really appreciate them, but again life is too short.

Life is so short, and in the blink of an eye, your sitting in bed, 12 years later, with news that your Uncle who has lung cancer could not have much longer, and just the little things start to make you reminisce and appreciate... just a thank you Mom and Dad, for making me the richest person I know. I feel so incredibly blessed to have been able to travel the world, and be blessed, more than anyone is deservent, a life many would kill for to have a solid family. Thank you for giving me and Daniel the most amazing life we could ever wish for, even though we may not have appreciated it then... Thank you.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

cant be with everyone. but yet... still love them?

How does one say they love someone, what is it, is it merly the selfless act of putting someone else and their needs above that of my own or is it being so selfless that ultimately in the end you’ve put your entire mind heart and soul into it that you find yourself…. 2 months later.. In Miami International Airport over looking an empty tarmac of concrete with luggage awaiting to be loaded on your delayed flight after a trip in which you aren’t sure why you took, but in the beginning sought after to become more aware of yourself after the first time it didn’t work but you had hope.

But hope in what, what is hope? Is it faith in something or believing? But then again you watch the final rays of the sun vanish behind the cold, uncertain clouds in the distance, almost giving you a glimpse but also retiring the days heat and you find yourself daydreaming off into what seems like a hopeful sunset but just vanishes into an empty sky, you bounce back to some sense of awareness, exhausted emotionall, physically, and nothing seems to make sense.

As the plane arrives in you ask yourself what your going to do when you get home or even how much longer is my freaking battery going to die, but seamlessly once again, I don’t even care becausw the only thing I canthin about is what is he doing what is it that he will be doing when I get home, and the shitty part is, I wont even be able to seee him, does he want to see me, why do I want to see him, ugh. I just wish this would all make sense already? But im too distracted by the private jet sized aircraft that’s arrived.. and its almost time to board, I just wish it was easier..

Your reading this and probably saying to yourself why cant this boy just focus, its so difficult so many un sanswered questions but come to think of it most of which I don’t even want answers to because.. in the end… it’ll hurt so much more, but even If I don’t ask, I’ll still be miserable. I was talking to an ex today and he said; you can always be in love with someone but… that may not be the person you spend the rest of your life with… come to think of it, I love him still, but we aren’t the perfect people for each other, and unfortunately I wish that, I could spend more time with Chris or qwhomeveer, but.. Ugh. Im so conflicted…

As I look out over the beautifully lit Florida terrain, I wonder if im even wasting my time in getting my thoughts out. After I heard that he wishes we had more in common, well, what would that make you feel other than the incompetent insecure feeling to then want to ask, what did you like/love about me, and if we had NOTHING in common, what was I to you? It’s a really sore subject because in the end im left with one simple question one im stuck asking almost every single man, are you here trying to be apart of my life because, im an amazing person and I just so happened to have the added bonus of being a beautiful young man with some assets that are pretty enticing, or is it that im just flat out, a useable sex object for your selfish desire, and ultimately no matter how hard it is for me to believe them they add, well you’ve got a good personality too. But what is it about….this questions makes me feel so incompitent, I quite honestly don’t seem to get it. But then again how would someone like myself understand such a complex idea. Yet even that isn’t an accpetble plausible explanation,, merely some biased excuseable reason to allow that person to continue making the same behavior patterns without saying it like it is. “was always a pet peve of mine,….to be told your young, its okay your allowed to act that way.”

Off topic once, again, I suppose were nearly 10-15 mins away from home… I just want to be in my own bed, but then again, I wonder… is it possible to be in love with more than one person…. And want to be with them.. on that…”intellectual, and emotional level, yet… when it comes down to a sexual intimate level I want nothing to do with the idea.. but that would be crazy and you probably want to know.. Michael are you okay..? is anyone ☺ but I look back on all my relationships and why is it that none of them seem to make it past.. the 6 month line or even before, and I look out on the clouds as we coast by the lightning and I make this analogy , is seems as if everytime I become emotionally attached to someone which could merely be because of a hookup, an acquaintance who I choose to go to the movie with or grab a drink… I become emotionally attached to almost every person ive come in touch with in my life, odd but, was speaking to someone who agreed on the ideal as well. It doesn’t seem to make sense but… I can never seem to connect on that intimate level with anyone… is it the fear of becoming emotionally attached on a level in which im still hurt from, when my birth mother put me up for adoption and yet somehow somewhere in between I feel betrayed, and if I let someone in that close, am I fearful of being let go of or having them hurt me and turn their back on me and yet,,,,why would a sexual connection be related back to the betrayal I feel from Romania, back in 1989? No idea.. but I am eager to further indulge in the sector of my psychological makeup.

Nearly 18 miles from Orlando, just wishing I was home, cant wait to see dad again and give him a huge hug. Another area of my life I wish was closer but in time… right? After all who has a perfect relationship with anyone… especially family for that matter, we all have our ups and downs, so with that said why cant I relay how I evaluate that to that of how I see chris or saw chris.

This morning woke up in my own bed, felt so refreshing, and I believe I finally have closure on something that, I probably could’ve done from Atlanta, but all the while I wanted to be here to do it… and no matter how hard ive tried to express it, you can love someone until you go insane, but… can you be with that person forever, absolutely not. Just athought.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

the stonemason and his work..

what must it take for a stonemason to build the facade to a home? is it merely an imagination, an idea, a dream, or something real? and once he figures out what that vision is, and where it comes from, how will he go about doing it.

what makes us happy, is it the vision we all have to be like our parents, to hold the 23 years of marriage, to build a family, or is it set by the standards we see in society, in seeing these things we ask ourselves where did these goals come from and how were they achieved.. So much deep thought, but if your ready to dive in with me, shut off your phone, close the Facebook tab,turn off Skype for 5 minutes and take a journey with me.

We all have our dream homes we see either in passing, or ones nin which we grew up in, and ultimately, we put each together and once were old enough we have the opportunity to combine them and make our own vision we do. Well such is life isn't it? As the stonemason chooses each brick meticulously to put on the front of the house, we collect ideas, visual, auditory, and memory recollected to base what we want our life to be right? Essentially when were born we all are struck with a multitude of an incomprehensible amount of sights, sounds, feelings; from the bright lights of a delivery room, being carried from doctor to nurse, to mother, to father, and back to table, all so sudden, but all the while, the most crucial period of a newborns life is those moments. What is it about those minutes that are so important. Are we brought into this world alone, by a mother, and left, or are we surrounded by an enormity of family members, a room full of 3 generations, all sharing this moment, that you won't remember but will be marked in their memories for eternity. The birthing of a child is so precious, as I have not yet witnessed although its so beautiful to me. The bond between a grandparent, the mother, and the newborn child, all sharing this bloom of life, intellectual birth, emotional birth, and physical climax of months growing.

When asked what it feels like to be 90, and how shed made it this long, she said, I don;t think about it, and it doesnt phase me. Up until last night I was an emotional wreck about this entire trip to see her for her 90th birthday. It was the reality that no matter what anyone could do, at some point life will take its course, and she will eventually pass on to be with Jesus, not to say at the current time her health isn;t outstanding. For granted when we arrived could tell she has slowed down, and isn't the same as she once was, but essentially, shes still Grandma, the same one who was there for my moms wedding, the same one who brushed the tears from her eyes when her husband died, in 1992, the same one who always and still does brush our boots off from being out in the snow. I talk about things in such a grim way, or as if shes already passed on. But I suppose emotionally I look at things this way to try and cope with the reality of what could be and is the unknown future. A few nights a ago, I sat with her and went through several photo albums, some from her trips to europe, some from cruises, and just family photos, and I learned so much about her in those brief moments. To see her light up with excitement when a picture came up that she hadn't seen in 60 years, and then she pulled out another book and pieced each picture and event together, creating what almost felt like a visual memory timeline in mid air as she talked about everything. Just as the stonemason picks his materials for the project, she went back through her mind, of each event and pieced it together and I learned how she got to where she was. :). Its still sad to me, but when she shared at the table last night that shes not gone crazy yet because she minds her own business. Makes sense, but still will be sad tomorrow afternoon when its time to leave, a dear friend in my life in Philadelphia has told me when leaving relatives, its never a goodbye, its a see you nexttime. Its still going to be really emotional, after all for the past 15 years she weeps as we leave, its going to be even more difficult tomorrow I;m sure for all of us. It was quite difficult to sit and listen to all the siblings go over the will, and power of attorney paperwork, and other health related documentation. all of which is very much so the present but at the same time isn't something we want to accept. But I believe the circle of life is what makes us grow up, and seeing someone's life progress, allows us to mature and appreciate who we are and where we come from.

Monday, July 18, 2011

what does it mean to be me?

what is it that makes us happy, is it the affirmation that we receive for choices we make? Perhaps maybe even the thought that if we wake up and tell ourselves its a good day, and we have friends in our life, were happy. Is it through searching within someone else, and at that point sacrificing ones own happiness?

After much thinking over the last few days, I finally had to wake up and realize that, no matter what I do, or who I'm with, I'm kidding myself. I had been settling for what purpose in a relationship and it didn't make sense to me, and I kept telling myself its going to work out, but I tried using the explanation that it was all him and that he was the reason why I was unhappy, for granted there were qualities that I didn't like, and I don't quite understand even those feelings, because if there were so many things that I was sick and tired of repeating myself on, am I liking him for the person he already is, or am I liking this individual that I want him to be, and in the process I'm destroying myself over it. At what cost was I going to see this as reality. I kept saying, he is in his own little reality, and that he wasn't able to grasp the concept of anything I had to say because he doesn't want to, and maybe thats why, but, as much as I do care about him, I am not happy with who I am, and no matter what I may have said to him, it doesnt really matter because, I was the one who needed that lecture.

In looking back over the short time we shared together in a relationship, I was sacrificing my personal happiness, in which I sought after for 5 years and still to this day wasnt sure how I got there, but I had to take myself out of the equation, set aside my pride and humble myself to one simple question; "Who matters most?" And at that point was I then able to understand what makes me happy, and in reminder from a friend today, happiness isn't defined by your past or who is in your life, but its defined by doing what you enjoy, and if your not doing what you enjoy then why on earth would someone continue in something. Was it that I wasn't happy in the relationship, I was perfectly content, and happy around him, however at the same time, I think it comes down to one simple thing, am I not ready for a relationship, or am I not yet willing to accept myself the ideal that I am worthy of one and I am ready, or is it that fear of uncertainty, more or less its the fatigue of being sought after for all the wrong reasons in the past, that finally, even after being treated like royalty in the relationship, to have to ask for some one to change isnt mature or my place of doing, and I didn't want to sit there and wait for something to happen.. I would rather be a single man, and do what makes me happy which is set my foot in the door and start a foundation to help raise awareness of HIV/AIDS, and other std's and also send a message of hope to those with all aspects of addiction, rather than be in a relationship, that I'm not secure in myself. :(. Did I make the right choice, who know's, was he the one for me, who knows, he treated me like a king, and woukld take a bullet for me, but I wasn't there for myself. and it was starting to show.

Sunday, July 3, 2011



Many disregard how special the gift of sight actually is.  To drive hours, up vast, never ending miles of roadway reaching to the highest of peaks, our eyes capture the simplest, and most complex sights; from the diversity of the microscopic algae on a creek river rock, to the breathtaking detail of a brown bear rounding up its young in a field of daisies a top the mountain.  Why is it we look past these simple things in our life each and every day, from seeing the most precious sight amongst all, the evolution of life, childbirth, to watching your first son stand up and take his first steps across the room for the first time, to learning how to add two plus two and visualizing your very mathematical equation go into paper. 

Chris, every moment we have shared together over the past week, has been incredibly sentimental.  For moths, I sold myself short, and said, I’m never going to find someone who is compatible with me on any level, and respect me for who I am, and what I have to offer.  I had my fears of being hurt, although that would be a totally biased statement as we all fear, without fear we are unable to grow, and understand.  You make me weak at the tip of my fingertips when I’m with you, each time I see you, I get weak, and feel butterflies.  To speak of you I blush, and smile from ear to ear.  When I kiss you, my emotions and body seems to press pause on life, and no matter if were lying in a pool together in our underwear, or sitting hand In hand at a midnight showing of transformers, everything stops.  Our lips meet and I feel a shudder of endless passion, raging sexual tension, and a feeling like no other overcome me.  I watch everything you do,  the way  your eyes twinkle when I see you looking at me from across the room when I leave, to the way your lips purse as you call me beautiful.  As you hold me, I turn back and honestly, wouldn’t mind staring into your beautiful eyes, because you have such an incredible heart, and a fascinating mind, one whose lived through far more than I could ever comprehend.  You offer a gift that not many have seen but I want you to know,  each time I look into your eyes, I see a real man a future father, a successful massage therapist, and a great man. 

Monday, June 27, 2011

"Who Own's My Heart"

I have dedicated this to a friends boyfriend who recently almost lost his life on Friday evening due to meth use, and I have posted this after weeks of planning and wanted to post this in honor of him, and his decision to become sober :)

"Who Own's My Heart" - Video

I was going through my play list this morning, and of course Ms. Miley came on the iTunes list and had to listen to it, and this song came up, and I thought to myself, how can I write something philosophical, personal, and emotional all in one context?  How many of you when you heard this song asked the question, who, or what is she talking about?  

Creation shows me what to do
I'm dancing on the floor with you
And when you touch my hand
I go crazy, yeah

We all are raised a certain way, some are raised in a religious family, with the expectations to do phenomenal well in school regardless of the also expected soccer practice, drama rehearsal, orchestra concert, and the voice lessons every Tuesday and Thursday for our entire elementary year’s of school.  Or perhaps you come from a up bringing of a broken home, where Mom left Dad when you were two, and moved to Seattle and then your separated with Dad, and your now in Central London reading this, and the perfect close nit family example makes no sense to you what so ever.  Ultimately, we all come from different “creations” of our being, so to speak.  We can all piece back to high school our first crush, or our first kiss, what did that feel like?  Did it suck? Hell no it felt amazing; otherwise you wouldn’t have gone back for more, right?  Or do we go back for more because of the euphoria we feel physically, or is it an emotional high we get from our first kiss? 

My first encounter with Meth was, nothing but boring.  If it was, why would I have continued? 

The music tells me what to feel
I like you now
But is this real
By the time we say goodnight
I'll know if this is right

Going back to my very first blog, I'll reiterate briefly, I have for the past 4 years been struggling with a methamphetamine addiction.  Okay fuck this, by now you should have a pretty good idea of my writing to know.. Let me just start off and you'll catch on.

And I feel you (you) coming through my veins.
Am I into you (you) or is it music to blame?

We've all had our days where we sit on adam4adam, at some point of another on the prowl, yes you, in fact your buzzer for new mail probably just went off 3 times as you read this :).  Roughly a year ago, I was in the climax of my "Tina" lifestyle, and I had always heard of people who 'slammed,' and I wanted to know what that felt like.  All the while our parents teach us when were young to not try something bad less we get hooked on the euphoric rush of the act of doing so, or the act of getting to that point.  None the less I still tried it, watch the person I was with at the time un do the clean syringe, pack a huge scoop of Tina in and then draw back some saline solution, and then shake it until it dissolved, then put the tourniquet on my left arm, and then said count to three, and pushed the needle into my arm....  next thing i knew the band popped off, and my head spun, my body shuddered with an incredible sensation that I had never felt in my life...  Before I knew it, I was doing things sexually, that should have been humanly impossible, disrespectful to myself, and even perhaps someone I was dating, but at the time didn’t care. In the final moments of the climaxing high, I began coughing uncontrollably, my breathing stopped, for what felt like an infinite amount of time, and the coughing persisted, as it hit the blood and changed my perception of life to this very day.

 No memory that I was able to recollect at the very moment could even fill the space in which was overwhelmed with so much 'love' and 'music'.  There was no person, or persons that could have been able to offer me such ecstasy.  

Who owns my heart
Is it love or is it art
You know I wanna believe that we're a masterpiece
But sometimes it's hard to tell in the dark
Who owns my heart

For the past 4 years, who was it that owned my heart?  Was it the drugs, or was it me, was I in control, was I deciphering between giving my emotion and physical energy to those who really cared about me, or was it spent, and jolted back up, and drained to then be shot up again with this never ending longing to be in this fog; so hazy and thick that no matter what I did, I didn’t care.  Nothing seemed to matter, my answer to life, if you knew me about 10 months ago, would know it was, “I don’t care.” Or, “I’m over it.”  So easy right, you can get mad at a professor for “fucking:” your semester up or for not giving you the grade you wanted but, ultimately, you fucked yourself.  Debatable yes, but, why did that happen.   Why was my life, in my eyes, such a waste?  Why did I not care?  For months why did I lay in my room in the corner, with a syringe of half dried up blood and meth and poke holes in my arms…and try to shove a little bit in.  A never ending process, and if it worked; “great! I got a little bit; I can get out of bed today…” and some people say, how can you get to that point.  Well, any addict knows, one more sip of beer, oh one more sip it wont hurt anything, I can drive!  Looking back, it has become mind blowing that it was so easy for me to shut out my friends and allow this drug to literally own my heart and mind.  And the term friend is used so loosely now a days, isn’t it, I mean we can meet someone online, or on facebook and the next day, your “friends”.  After shooting up daily, even as little as .10, and friends telling me that they were done with me in their life, Mom and Dad kicked me out, and friends saying, you look like a crack whore, walking into the clubs and hearing my name talked about, days spent online to try and get my next fix, lying to friends about being home, or being somewhere doing something, when in all actuality I was filling up the syringe, or trying to find a vein.  Addiction is something we all face, and I have come to realize is it really about the amount of days your sober, or if you’re a pot head, cigarette smoker, alcoholic, or drug addict, does it matter if you follow the steps, they all come into play, but realizing why you do those things, and understanding that there’s been others who have been though it before, and were willing to help, at any cost, blood, sweat and tears, I encourage everyone to be thankful for those in their lives this evening, as we seldom realize that even those around us, whose lives look absolutely extraordinary on the outside, may be so broken that tomorrow they may not be around, and embrace them and understand life is a precious gift.  

Thursday, June 16, 2011

"Enough is Enough Foundation"

The primary goal of the “Enough is Enough Foundation”, is to mentor and coach "at risk" LGBT youth in the awareness of HIV/AIDS, and other STD’s, and the ongoing battle many gay teens and young adults face with all aspects of addiction.  

give me your feedback.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Your test came back..."positive"... has it set in yet?

You know I came to ask myself, thinking back, almost every moment of every day, I can think back to that day on Janaury 26th 2010 at 12:15pm and 5 seconds into the minute, in my blue and white striped hollister button up, my black reef flip flops, and my abercrombie and fitch straight leg dark wash jeans, and remember, only after a mere matter of minutes of taking the RAPID blood test, seeing the 2 doctors, a counselor sitting down, and the nurse who took my blood all standing there.....  I continue to this day, have that image played through in my head...  Before I could even sit down, I already knew what was up, and they explained everything and said, your test came back..."positive...for HIV"...  my initial response was, "ok" and I sat there, as calm as a doe in a field of beautiful tulips and said whats next... the moments to follow were such a blur, all I remember really, was a bandaid being put on my arm from where they drew blood, and they handed me some paperwork..and I walked out the door, and just looked up at the sky...

for a moment I wanted to drop to my knees and yell, and cry, and just let out all the emotion anyone could ever think of.. but... I couldn't.. I looked up and I closed my eyes, and said, "God... show me the way" and walked over to my friends car...  all I knew of what to do was message,  my boyfriend at the time, and told him, and that didn't go well.. and I texted my very first boyfriend,and my best friend , and they replied, your joking right?  [:/]  the next few hours to follow, were just so vague in my memory, in fact several days after were.....  shortly there after, I was at someone I had been hanging out with for a while smoking meth, and doing caps of GHB... and I remember messaging my boyfriend  me online and I told him I was methed out somewhere, and he flipped out, and he then, called my Mother, and told her I was a meth head with HIV, and I went home the following day or so after, and remember distinctly it was like any other Sunday in the Lloyd household, we all argued and bickered all the way to church, sat in the same row on the left middle section of church in the same seats.. didn't really say too much to each other, and came home, and poured everyone a glass of patron and orange juice.  And my mom said can we go talk for a few, so we grabbed out drinks and walked in, well, I knew she was going to ask, and for a moment, I wanted to just break down right there and cry, but I couldn't bring myself to it.  the next few seconds felt like days... she said,' is it true, do you have.. and looking her in the eyes, her voice cracked, her eyes watered, but had walls built up shaking ready to let looks.. hiv? and I said... yes. and  I didn';t know what to say, nor did she, but, to this day, I get a small tear of joy in my left eye,(as I'm profusely crying writing this)  she and my dad said, "what can we do to help" and each and every day, when I feel lie\\\ im going to let go, and run off the deep end, I know that I can always run to them for help..

what is it about "bad news" that we don't like, what is it about hearing something that makes us run, far away, for me into a cloud of meth, with torches, needles, baggies, drug dealers, sex, what is it?

recently I found out after applying for a new hiv trial study, that my liver enzymes are incredibly high.. to the point where, I no longer qualify for the study, unless I get a good viral load back in the reports, and in her next words, (which, I havenn't shared with many) we will have to resort to the "next option", but ultimately, thats not the next option, were going to fight this.

the reality set in that, if I don't wake up, and accept the fact that I have HIV/HEP C, and I keep treating my liver and body like shit, that, I'm going to die.... and it should scare me to no end, but I feel numb, and is that just my safe zone to not have to think about it, it scares me because if any right minded person heard that, they'd be scared for their life, not, or maybe it just hasn;t set in yet.? anywho I hope it does.. blah.. off to eat a sandwich, my tummy hurts. love you all.

Medina - Addiction

                                                                     Medina "Addiction"

Friday, June 10, 2011


I've always wondered why so many are ecstatic when it comes down to a Friday morning?  I mean, after all, in my humblest of words, it would seem like, sure your "work" week ends however the weekend is time to have a drink and relax, but as for myself for years, (with saying I've really never had to work so I can't relate) the weekend is a time that I reflect on myself, and spend time with family, and just rejuvenate.

  After all, its pretty evident, a majority of us usually go out have a drink at the local bar, drink ourselves to sleep on a Friday night.  In continuum the Saturday routine is usually panned out by the following; a cup of coffee to shield the hangover, some dance music, followed by the occasional facebook post check then a long hot shower, and then we rummage through our underwear drawer looking for something sexy to wear, 'but wait, won't I just be lounging around the house trying to rid this hangover anyway, fuck it, wheres the fresh pair of basket ball shorts?'  Shortly there after you either find yourself throwing a bagel in the toaster, and slapping on a hunk of low fat cream cheese, or the conscious minded health nut who combines, greek yoguart, cashews, and black berries in a bowl and scarfs it down.  Not to mention, adam4adam is going off like crazy upstairs, 'damnt.'  Half the day passes by, and your awaken by your iPhone vibrating on your crotch and Lady GaGa signing, 'Just Dance' and the popcorn you made a mere half hour ago goes flying across the room.  You collect yourself, and see what the hell that person wants, only to find out, your group of friends is meeting at your house to pregame in 30 minutes and then another night at the bar.

Why do we do this to ourselves, why is it the "routine?"  At what point do we say, and I'm going back to the other day's blog, Enough is Enough.  Then again, who am I to say how to live anyone's life, especially in accordance to the additive of alcoholic consumption?  After all I did have the patron bottle in the pool this past weekend at gay days, barely wearing anything but a loin cloth.    I guess this afternoon just think about it, sure getting shitty drunk is a blast, and even better when you can't remember it Sunday evening, third night in.  But remember whats really important. :)


Thursday, June 9, 2011

why do we lie?

Why is it that the average person day to day says a lie?  And what determines one lie over another more severe in its original intent, or for that matter the principle.

I am no saint, on the matter, for the fact that I said a mere lie about going to school, or this job, or having this car, or not having this because of this.  Well, why do I do it? Is it the incompetence, linked back to being adopted from an orphanage and not understanding that original potential instilled in me, and not knowing who my father is, undoubtedly maybe? But chances are probably not.   Is it the human habit of wanting to be accepted by society, and if that means going to the farthest extreme necessary of shedding off a layer of ones integrity to do so, is that worth it?  Must be right?

In conclusion, what lie has more severity over another?  From telling a little white lie to stretch the truth, it still came from the first place right?  I've always been taught, be honest, even if it means sayikng your nothing but a foundation ready to be built on.  Anywho thought id throw the thought out there..  I suppose it all goes back to my post earlier about, "what do we have to lose"

night lovers

family; we may not like them but we LOVE them :)

What does family mean? well I could go into the whole literal sense but of course that would bore you, and me, so I'm not going to pull out a dictionary.  To many of us, as for myself it means two parents who have been together for 23 years, however to some it may have been the same parents together for a couple years, and your Mother remarried, and then you were separated amongst parents and the cycle repeated a couple times there after, or even an ex of mine his parents died when he was very young, and had to fend for himself.

 We each have a family, whether its what we define for ourselves.  Personally I take advantage of family, as many of us probably dont really appreciate a simply phone call, and as silly as it may be, a text message from a loved one saying; 'I love you, see you tomorrow, or can't wait to see you at dinner.' And I was once told by an ex of mine, that we seldolmly appreciate the now, pretty easy to understand right? We all go through our day, and spend time with a brother or sister, or Mother or Father, and just live our day, as if tomorrow will be there, and he always told me, take a moment and pull yourself outside the equation and be appreciative that your family first and foremost chooses to take an hour, 15 mins, or even the 5 thumb presses it takes to send an "ily" text message once a day, because, truth be told not many of us really do think and say, tomorrow that person could be killed in a car crash, and its become quite evident to me, that life is too short to fully absorb.  After all there's enough beauty on this earth to appreciate, and write about and understand and translate into a concept, or an idea based on wisdom, or spirituality and then bring it back to yourself and what it means to you, (if your that kind of thinker) let alone put things into perspective about family.

The title of my blog is;  'Family; We may not like them but we LOVE them" is gathered from arguments our of nowhere that I have with my parents and honestly it doesn't really matter what happens in our day, or how pissed off someone can make us because in the end family is family, and through thick and thin they will always be there for us.  After being kicked out of my parents house, god, at least 6 times in the past year and struggling on a daily basis with a meth addiction that ever time I look at my veins I'm constantly reminded of how wrapped up I allowed it to be, my parents are the ones who, sent me the text message saying, are you coming home, I hope your alright, when I was strung out on meth to the point where, honestly, by God's grace I'm here today writing it, they are the ones who were there for me, and knew when I came home and slept for three days I was coming down.  All in all family is family, and never forget that :)


What the FIRST thing that comes to mind when you see the three letter word?  Is it a visual of the male anatomy, a man and woman together, the female anatomy, or man on man, or woman on woman?  Or if your a romantic is it the unity between two energies, two souls, making one, and sharing that bond between the other, that when experienced, is entirely unachievable by any sexual act amongst the joining of two naked beings.

Been wanting to write about this for the past year and a half, but out of all honesty what would a 19 almost 20 year old have had any common knowledge about S-E-X, or L-O-V-E? Good question.

I look at it this way, from a young age, around 15, for me personally, the attraction to another human being was merely on the basis of erotic pleasure.  However over the years, meeting others, both male and female and talking to them, what is it that brings a man and a woman, woman and a woman, or man and a man together to join energy?  Is it a physical attraction, only desiring an easy goal that each can achieve which would be the selfish desire to "get off," and what determines that?  What attracts you sexually to someone?

  For me, its someone's eyes.  Indeed eyes can draw you in and never release you for eternity, HOWEVER, is that a good thing or bad thing? For myself it was a bad thing in the start because it brought me into the world of methamphetamine drugs and emotional turmoil, and caused a sex addition. Your probably asking, how can someone's eyes bring you so close to the point of no return?  Well first one has to ask, what's the point of no return, and that is when you blink, in my opinion.  Simply because I knew how deeply I wanted to be drawn in, and for that matter was it to be accepted or was it to be selfish and just "blow a load" and I could tell there was a strong energy between the two?  More often than not the two coincided.

Alright, getting back on track, for others of you the simply 'sexual' attraction may be a mans nipples, or the curvature of his back muscles, or a woman's perfect curves, and perfectly sculpted breasts.  And when we combine the two attractions, which I refer to as an energy, the combinations exerts so much power that, we can get lost in that and lose touch on what that really is for us, is that sex, or love?

 I have quite a few friends who refer their relationship with someone else as an open relationship,  more or less this is quite prominent in the homosexual community.  For myself, raised in a Christian household, and watching my parents, who to the day are still together after 23 years; monogamy is what I believe.  So when I hear that your in an open relationship, and that is love to you, its hard to comprehend, and this is the point in the blog where your probably either going to stop reading, because; 'what does a 21 year old know about love, or sex, or relationships?'  Your probably correct, but I believe wisdom, which is acquired over time whether thats from someone in their 80's or a 10 year old little girl, is knowledge obtained through trial and error, or from that of another source that is worth hearing out, because after all, isn't that how you became knowledgeable of your belief on a subject? :).

Back to the open relationship, sorry my mind wanders.  Then again, whats the point about blogging if your mind cant wander, right.  I've known couples in relationships for 10-20 years, and they say, if he can come home to me at the end of the night, and make 'love' to me, then I don't care what he does on the side.  My question is; before you two became a couple, were you both not giving it your "best" to each partner before him, and what determines your best?  What is determined as love making and sex, well I am finally going to give you my explanation.  From experience,  when  your able to land a kiss on someone, and the world seems to crash around you, the walls crumble, the celing fans drop, the clouds drop to your feet, and the stars fall and fly around your heads, and nothing in the world seems to matter, and your able to meet that person, on an intimate level, (which I tried looking up in the dictionary, and thesaurus, but, the definition, was so vague, "close to someone") and wrap your legs around their waist, and squeeze them tight, and get lost in that person, and be able to know them inside and out, yes, INSIDE and out blindfolded and know exactly who they are then in my opinion thats intimacy.  In addition, side note, which I'll explain later on this evening, about 'relationships; are they friendships, or luck of the draw?'  in order for one to achieve that level of passion between onesself and another being you have to be friends with them to truely understand their physical, intellectual and sexual make up to actually distinguish between sex and love.  A strong intellectual bond is quite important in my humble opinion to good sex, because, if you go to suck someones cock, and "they don't enjoy it" and they don't tell you, then its going to be bad sex.  As for me personally, I make it a point sexually to understand my partner before I would bother going down, just saying.  

Going back to the non monogamous couple;  if my boyfriend were to go out and shove his manhood in someones back door ever night, and come home and do the same to me, and tell me he loves me night aftrer night for 20 years; is that love, or is it just "SETTLING" for something that you know your worth achieving, but ultimately, you chose to take what you could get, and you found someone you so desperately love , but, why is it that one may have the desire to run out and show his body to another person.  In my opinion, thats just sex, and thats all it would ever be in a setting like that.  Just saying; I hope none of this was of any condescending manner, as I don't want to upset anyone, and I apologize for rambling just wanted to put out a little thought.

Hope everyones work day was fantastic, drive home safely, and have a good night.


what do you have to lose?

had a weird dream last night, where my job went from a recent stripping job I quit about 3 weeks back, and  an underwear model.  I know, two highly self respecting choices right? Well, in the dream I chose to be a stripper over an underwear model.  and going back to my post from yesterday one could probably come back and comment saying; ' didn't you just finish talking about respecting yourself, and how the hell is being a stripper in compliance with that?'  Yes, and No.

How could I come up with that as a self respecting choice, well, it all comes down to your personal opinion on, 'does anyone else's opinion of me matter, or am I my own person?'  For myself, I've learnt over the months, that at the end of the day, and if its one thing you take from reading this, I hope this be it, because this will carry into every blog I post for eternity; 'If I had to live my life according to societies expectations, Mom and Dad's vision for me, what Jacque or Esmerelda thought of me and my choices, would I be living their life or mine?'  pretty self explanatory.  However if its not, I'll try it again; ' If I wanted to become an underwear model, as what happened in my dream, and instead despite what society views being a stripper as or what my parents would have thought, if its what I wanted to to, they, what do I have to lose in doing what I want to do, right?'

All of this ofcourse does have some reasoning behind it,  if you say, well if I want to live the life of a crackhead for the week, and not take care of myself, is that doing what you want out of spite? or is it actually an honorable award you could tack on your particle board at the end of the day?  Thats an easy give away.  

Going back to my dream, I said, fuck it, I'm going to be a stripper, and honor myself in that profession because quite frankly, if I lived my life according to what you thought of me, or what your opinion of my choice is, then, I'm just a sheep.  And your opinion or direction you tell me to live my life in, is the sheep in front of me who just fell off the cliff that I'm about to join.  Some may call me pretencious, but think about it tonight after dinner, go for a walk, and ask yourself, do I go to work everyday, or put on my tie die shirt because I have to please my neighbor, or are you making choices based on your own beliefs that are going to make you happy.

If there's a job offer you want to take, and your worried about losing friends, or what someone will think of you, then,  why even bother looking for the job?  At the end of the day friends are friends and will be there through thick and thin, even if you move to another continent.  One evening I broke down and cried over how crappy I treat my family. and how ungrateful I am, well, his words were, take the risk,  not taking a risk is taking the risk in that your never going to be happy.

have a fabulous day!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Is enough enough?

alright, I'm sure many of you in the gay community whose major cities just had their pride parades, and circuit parties, or gay days, are asking yourself; "where did this hickey com from, why did I have sex with him,  or maybe the further question which I'm going to get into is, do I deserve better for myself?

as for myself I used to be one who picked up the pipe every few months, and did a puff until the point where shoving a needle in my arm every day was just as acceptable to those of you who smoke a cigarette, except for me it was also 2 packs a day in the addition to going out for several rounds of tequila shots.  and you this went on for MONTHS.  And after being diagnosed with HIV in the early part of last year, the problem increased, and it wasn't until after I was diagnosed with Hepatitis C from using a dirty needle, someone asked me, why the hell is it okay for you to treat yourself like absolute garbage when you have an amazing family who brought you here, friends who would do anything in the world for you if you needed, and still, that wasn't enough for me.

Well, again of course, it went on, until the beginning of this year, and finally I got to a point where I was kicked out of my parents home, to realize, do I love myself, enough to want to take a breath anymore, and the answer was no.  the partying and the crowd of those I associated with who I thought were my friends "didn't care about me, I didn't care about them, and ultimately the lifestyle was tearing me apart." going back to being asked to move out, I finally gained self respect for myself because finally I had to earn it, and work for what I wanted and I was able to respect myself.

In closing what I will leave you with this afternoon, is what does it take to say enough is enough?