Sunday, December 4, 2011

through the cold fog

Not sure what it was or what called me to open the app on my iPhone and start writing, I'm not quite sure exactly what it is I'm writing about or what it is that I'm even thinking about other than the fact that for some reason I felt this wave of weakness and for some odd reason despite how incredibly amazing my life is going I'm not sure if I got the urge to want to use crystal meth again or if it was th offer from someone I talked online or...what :(. Just one of those moments and many of you addicts can relate. Is it the inner demon pulling me back from th ability to be happy or is it that fear or not sure exactly and I'm sure this isn't making any send what do ever except well to those of you who know me I may but I felt like I should at least write it seems to help me through it and despite everything even in the cold breeze I sit here and ask myself, do I want to keep running into the cold fog, where I don know where I'm going but the possibility in the back of my head says if you don't try how will you know of the fog clears up ahead or I can turn back and continue on a path that is so very familiar but yet so unfamiliar that it scares me to death to think I could evn grasp the concept or idea of wanting to turn back. I was planning on going out to a bar and getting hammered again tonight but I think I'm going to keep running despite the bitter cold and I will not turn back to my past of despair!