Monday, August 29, 2011

We take life for granted

We take things for granted so much, today I was in the car on the way up with a friend from Palm Bay, and we were discussing family trips... and I think back, being blessed to go to London, Spain, and Morocco all in 1997, on 10 hours of flying, crying, screaming and complaining. The trip was based to learn arabic in Spain and reach out to the Muslims traveling across the mediterranean to Morocco about the gospel of Jesus Christ. Thinking back it was all short of boring, At the time I was obsessed with 747 jets, and we got to fly Virgin Atlantic, and it was a long 8 hour flight, I had my first passport, which was all new to me and was overjoyed as we got to Orlando International Airport we got our little messenger bags from the airline with sleeping masks, logo'd toothbrushes, and headphones and who knows what else they gave the kids. The flight was so long and overlooking the atlantic freaked me out.. but we got there, and it was an experience to never forget, the london taxi cabs, the double decker red buses, London Bridge, it all was magical within itself. But...unfortunately, looking back as me and my friend Carl talked about in the car today, I don't remember much. I remember the small details, like getting off the plain, but to remember the people, and absorbing the culture, and furthermore the experience of seeing the joy on Mom and Dad's faces would be something I wish I could go back to see. In the end of the Europe/Africa Missionary trip, we took a small ferry over to Tanger, Morocco and Mom and Dad both used to do missionary work, Dad lived in Uganda, Mom was in Nigeria and of course Morocco is no where near, but. I remember after the rocky boat ride, I looked down the railing and saw the look of happiness on Mom and dads face as we approached the coast and it was almost like they were coming home, but I remember then looked down at us and we were so incredibly happy and bouncing up and down, I just wish we could relive those little moments again.

Also thinking back there were little road trips on the way to Chicago to see Grandma and Mom's famly we stopped in Tennessee at some of the caves and such and hiked down, or on the trip to South Dakota to see Mount Rushmore, and driving through canyons and suddenly our car was surrounded by buffalo. To horse back ride in the Rocky Mountains and see elk. The small day trip me and Dad took to Mexico, all so small, but still was an awesome experience, one of whichthat I will never forget but wish I remembered.

Even my first flag football match and making my first goal, so silly and small but a memory of looking back and seeing Mom and Dad cheering with the biggest grins on their faces, and the high fives from the team. Every piano recital and practice Mom was there, and Every boyscout camp out and troop meeting Dad was there every step of the way, I'm sure thousands was spent on me and daniel to enjoy life and learn and become well rounded members of society, I wish I did those things now to be able to really appreciate them, but again life is too short.

Life is so short, and in the blink of an eye, your sitting in bed, 12 years later, with news that your Uncle who has lung cancer could not have much longer, and just the little things start to make you reminisce and appreciate... just a thank you Mom and Dad, for making me the richest person I know. I feel so incredibly blessed to have been able to travel the world, and be blessed, more than anyone is deservent, a life many would kill for to have a solid family. Thank you for giving me and Daniel the most amazing life we could ever wish for, even though we may not have appreciated it then... Thank you.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

cant be with everyone. but yet... still love them?

How does one say they love someone, what is it, is it merly the selfless act of putting someone else and their needs above that of my own or is it being so selfless that ultimately in the end you’ve put your entire mind heart and soul into it that you find yourself…. 2 months later.. In Miami International Airport over looking an empty tarmac of concrete with luggage awaiting to be loaded on your delayed flight after a trip in which you aren’t sure why you took, but in the beginning sought after to become more aware of yourself after the first time it didn’t work but you had hope.

But hope in what, what is hope? Is it faith in something or believing? But then again you watch the final rays of the sun vanish behind the cold, uncertain clouds in the distance, almost giving you a glimpse but also retiring the days heat and you find yourself daydreaming off into what seems like a hopeful sunset but just vanishes into an empty sky, you bounce back to some sense of awareness, exhausted emotionall, physically, and nothing seems to make sense.

As the plane arrives in you ask yourself what your going to do when you get home or even how much longer is my freaking battery going to die, but seamlessly once again, I don’t even care becausw the only thing I canthin about is what is he doing what is it that he will be doing when I get home, and the shitty part is, I wont even be able to seee him, does he want to see me, why do I want to see him, ugh. I just wish this would all make sense already? But im too distracted by the private jet sized aircraft that’s arrived.. and its almost time to board, I just wish it was easier..

Your reading this and probably saying to yourself why cant this boy just focus, its so difficult so many un sanswered questions but come to think of it most of which I don’t even want answers to because.. in the end… it’ll hurt so much more, but even If I don’t ask, I’ll still be miserable. I was talking to an ex today and he said; you can always be in love with someone but… that may not be the person you spend the rest of your life with… come to think of it, I love him still, but we aren’t the perfect people for each other, and unfortunately I wish that, I could spend more time with Chris or qwhomeveer, but.. Ugh. Im so conflicted…

As I look out over the beautifully lit Florida terrain, I wonder if im even wasting my time in getting my thoughts out. After I heard that he wishes we had more in common, well, what would that make you feel other than the incompetent insecure feeling to then want to ask, what did you like/love about me, and if we had NOTHING in common, what was I to you? It’s a really sore subject because in the end im left with one simple question one im stuck asking almost every single man, are you here trying to be apart of my life because, im an amazing person and I just so happened to have the added bonus of being a beautiful young man with some assets that are pretty enticing, or is it that im just flat out, a useable sex object for your selfish desire, and ultimately no matter how hard it is for me to believe them they add, well you’ve got a good personality too. But what is it about….this questions makes me feel so incompitent, I quite honestly don’t seem to get it. But then again how would someone like myself understand such a complex idea. Yet even that isn’t an accpetble plausible explanation,, merely some biased excuseable reason to allow that person to continue making the same behavior patterns without saying it like it is. “was always a pet peve of mine,….to be told your young, its okay your allowed to act that way.”

Off topic once, again, I suppose were nearly 10-15 mins away from home… I just want to be in my own bed, but then again, I wonder… is it possible to be in love with more than one person…. And want to be with them.. on that…”intellectual, and emotional level, yet… when it comes down to a sexual intimate level I want nothing to do with the idea.. but that would be crazy and you probably want to know.. Michael are you okay..? is anyone ☺ but I look back on all my relationships and why is it that none of them seem to make it past.. the 6 month line or even before, and I look out on the clouds as we coast by the lightning and I make this analogy , is seems as if everytime I become emotionally attached to someone which could merely be because of a hookup, an acquaintance who I choose to go to the movie with or grab a drink… I become emotionally attached to almost every person ive come in touch with in my life, odd but, was speaking to someone who agreed on the ideal as well. It doesn’t seem to make sense but… I can never seem to connect on that intimate level with anyone… is it the fear of becoming emotionally attached on a level in which im still hurt from, when my birth mother put me up for adoption and yet somehow somewhere in between I feel betrayed, and if I let someone in that close, am I fearful of being let go of or having them hurt me and turn their back on me and yet,,,,why would a sexual connection be related back to the betrayal I feel from Romania, back in 1989? No idea.. but I am eager to further indulge in the sector of my psychological makeup.

Nearly 18 miles from Orlando, just wishing I was home, cant wait to see dad again and give him a huge hug. Another area of my life I wish was closer but in time… right? After all who has a perfect relationship with anyone… especially family for that matter, we all have our ups and downs, so with that said why cant I relay how I evaluate that to that of how I see chris or saw chris.

This morning woke up in my own bed, felt so refreshing, and I believe I finally have closure on something that, I probably could’ve done from Atlanta, but all the while I wanted to be here to do it… and no matter how hard ive tried to express it, you can love someone until you go insane, but… can you be with that person forever, absolutely not. Just athought.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

the stonemason and his work..

what must it take for a stonemason to build the facade to a home? is it merely an imagination, an idea, a dream, or something real? and once he figures out what that vision is, and where it comes from, how will he go about doing it.

what makes us happy, is it the vision we all have to be like our parents, to hold the 23 years of marriage, to build a family, or is it set by the standards we see in society, in seeing these things we ask ourselves where did these goals come from and how were they achieved.. So much deep thought, but if your ready to dive in with me, shut off your phone, close the Facebook tab,turn off Skype for 5 minutes and take a journey with me.

We all have our dream homes we see either in passing, or ones nin which we grew up in, and ultimately, we put each together and once were old enough we have the opportunity to combine them and make our own vision we do. Well such is life isn't it? As the stonemason chooses each brick meticulously to put on the front of the house, we collect ideas, visual, auditory, and memory recollected to base what we want our life to be right? Essentially when were born we all are struck with a multitude of an incomprehensible amount of sights, sounds, feelings; from the bright lights of a delivery room, being carried from doctor to nurse, to mother, to father, and back to table, all so sudden, but all the while, the most crucial period of a newborns life is those moments. What is it about those minutes that are so important. Are we brought into this world alone, by a mother, and left, or are we surrounded by an enormity of family members, a room full of 3 generations, all sharing this moment, that you won't remember but will be marked in their memories for eternity. The birthing of a child is so precious, as I have not yet witnessed although its so beautiful to me. The bond between a grandparent, the mother, and the newborn child, all sharing this bloom of life, intellectual birth, emotional birth, and physical climax of months growing.

When asked what it feels like to be 90, and how shed made it this long, she said, I don;t think about it, and it doesnt phase me. Up until last night I was an emotional wreck about this entire trip to see her for her 90th birthday. It was the reality that no matter what anyone could do, at some point life will take its course, and she will eventually pass on to be with Jesus, not to say at the current time her health isn;t outstanding. For granted when we arrived could tell she has slowed down, and isn't the same as she once was, but essentially, shes still Grandma, the same one who was there for my moms wedding, the same one who brushed the tears from her eyes when her husband died, in 1992, the same one who always and still does brush our boots off from being out in the snow. I talk about things in such a grim way, or as if shes already passed on. But I suppose emotionally I look at things this way to try and cope with the reality of what could be and is the unknown future. A few nights a ago, I sat with her and went through several photo albums, some from her trips to europe, some from cruises, and just family photos, and I learned so much about her in those brief moments. To see her light up with excitement when a picture came up that she hadn't seen in 60 years, and then she pulled out another book and pieced each picture and event together, creating what almost felt like a visual memory timeline in mid air as she talked about everything. Just as the stonemason picks his materials for the project, she went back through her mind, of each event and pieced it together and I learned how she got to where she was. :). Its still sad to me, but when she shared at the table last night that shes not gone crazy yet because she minds her own business. Makes sense, but still will be sad tomorrow afternoon when its time to leave, a dear friend in my life in Philadelphia has told me when leaving relatives, its never a goodbye, its a see you nexttime. Its still going to be really emotional, after all for the past 15 years she weeps as we leave, its going to be even more difficult tomorrow I;m sure for all of us. It was quite difficult to sit and listen to all the siblings go over the will, and power of attorney paperwork, and other health related documentation. all of which is very much so the present but at the same time isn't something we want to accept. But I believe the circle of life is what makes us grow up, and seeing someone's life progress, allows us to mature and appreciate who we are and where we come from.