Monday, July 18, 2011

what does it mean to be me?

what is it that makes us happy, is it the affirmation that we receive for choices we make? Perhaps maybe even the thought that if we wake up and tell ourselves its a good day, and we have friends in our life, were happy. Is it through searching within someone else, and at that point sacrificing ones own happiness?

After much thinking over the last few days, I finally had to wake up and realize that, no matter what I do, or who I'm with, I'm kidding myself. I had been settling for what purpose in a relationship and it didn't make sense to me, and I kept telling myself its going to work out, but I tried using the explanation that it was all him and that he was the reason why I was unhappy, for granted there were qualities that I didn't like, and I don't quite understand even those feelings, because if there were so many things that I was sick and tired of repeating myself on, am I liking him for the person he already is, or am I liking this individual that I want him to be, and in the process I'm destroying myself over it. At what cost was I going to see this as reality. I kept saying, he is in his own little reality, and that he wasn't able to grasp the concept of anything I had to say because he doesn't want to, and maybe thats why, but, as much as I do care about him, I am not happy with who I am, and no matter what I may have said to him, it doesnt really matter because, I was the one who needed that lecture.

In looking back over the short time we shared together in a relationship, I was sacrificing my personal happiness, in which I sought after for 5 years and still to this day wasnt sure how I got there, but I had to take myself out of the equation, set aside my pride and humble myself to one simple question; "Who matters most?" And at that point was I then able to understand what makes me happy, and in reminder from a friend today, happiness isn't defined by your past or who is in your life, but its defined by doing what you enjoy, and if your not doing what you enjoy then why on earth would someone continue in something. Was it that I wasn't happy in the relationship, I was perfectly content, and happy around him, however at the same time, I think it comes down to one simple thing, am I not ready for a relationship, or am I not yet willing to accept myself the ideal that I am worthy of one and I am ready, or is it that fear of uncertainty, more or less its the fatigue of being sought after for all the wrong reasons in the past, that finally, even after being treated like royalty in the relationship, to have to ask for some one to change isnt mature or my place of doing, and I didn't want to sit there and wait for something to happen.. I would rather be a single man, and do what makes me happy which is set my foot in the door and start a foundation to help raise awareness of HIV/AIDS, and other std's and also send a message of hope to those with all aspects of addiction, rather than be in a relationship, that I'm not secure in myself. :(. Did I make the right choice, who know's, was he the one for me, who knows, he treated me like a king, and woukld take a bullet for me, but I wasn't there for myself. and it was starting to show.

Sunday, July 3, 2011



Many disregard how special the gift of sight actually is.  To drive hours, up vast, never ending miles of roadway reaching to the highest of peaks, our eyes capture the simplest, and most complex sights; from the diversity of the microscopic algae on a creek river rock, to the breathtaking detail of a brown bear rounding up its young in a field of daisies a top the mountain.  Why is it we look past these simple things in our life each and every day, from seeing the most precious sight amongst all, the evolution of life, childbirth, to watching your first son stand up and take his first steps across the room for the first time, to learning how to add two plus two and visualizing your very mathematical equation go into paper. 

Chris, every moment we have shared together over the past week, has been incredibly sentimental.  For moths, I sold myself short, and said, I’m never going to find someone who is compatible with me on any level, and respect me for who I am, and what I have to offer.  I had my fears of being hurt, although that would be a totally biased statement as we all fear, without fear we are unable to grow, and understand.  You make me weak at the tip of my fingertips when I’m with you, each time I see you, I get weak, and feel butterflies.  To speak of you I blush, and smile from ear to ear.  When I kiss you, my emotions and body seems to press pause on life, and no matter if were lying in a pool together in our underwear, or sitting hand In hand at a midnight showing of transformers, everything stops.  Our lips meet and I feel a shudder of endless passion, raging sexual tension, and a feeling like no other overcome me.  I watch everything you do,  the way  your eyes twinkle when I see you looking at me from across the room when I leave, to the way your lips purse as you call me beautiful.  As you hold me, I turn back and honestly, wouldn’t mind staring into your beautiful eyes, because you have such an incredible heart, and a fascinating mind, one whose lived through far more than I could ever comprehend.  You offer a gift that not many have seen but I want you to know,  each time I look into your eyes, I see a real man a future father, a successful massage therapist, and a great man.