Tuesday, January 31, 2012


Been working on this for months, just needed to figure out the best way to put it together, however for my personally this has been one of the most eye opening people in my life and through the drug addiction. every time I look in the mirror, masturbate, get blood taken and see the scabbed veins, or see the burn marks on my shoulder and left hand from a pipe burning me, I want to constantly go back and thank this person. :).

Josh I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for coming into my life, and being that voice on the other end of the phone, and computer who brought me to terms with loving myself. Not too sure exactly sure at times what it was that went through my head half the time when we spoke... Most of the time I had enough meth in my system to kill a dinosaur, however somehow you were the one person, each time, I put myself in that state of mind, physically and mentally, I stayed in contact with. Can't even count how many times you sent me a text or called me, saying; "are you alone... can you play with yourself...(as you and I both know more specifically my ass)... amongst many more things in which... I won't even begin to explain, because you know very well what they are. I remember one afternoon sitting down on the laptop talking to you and I was stuck on my ex boyfriend at the time, and he was someone I was in a relationship with, that was pretty much based off of...."I can blow a bigger cloud of meth than you." I remember I was reconnecting with him, and we were hanging out smoking, and doing shots of GHB like the old times. I believe I broke down and cried in front of you while playing old songs that he had given to me on a CD that we had made together at one point, and through it all it made me see how much I was still crazy over the guy. .....and quite honestly I've lost my train of thought on that other than, being able to talk to you about my relationship with him was something that made me realize so much why I did what I was doing, and at the same time I was sitting there in front of you going through an empty baggie scraping it with a straw, or put a rock in the pipe in front of you on skype, and remember saying, "I want to quit, I'm so over this..." And I dont really think you ever said to me.... don't or do. However there has always been something about trusting in you and being able to... have been in that 'fucked up' state of mind, that made me feel safe, and the more we talked the more I started to see how much you seemed to care about me and my health. There was another afternoon I remember asking you...."Hey do you want to watch me shoot up!!!!" and I believe your response wasn't very positive. The amount of times, I had wished I was physically able to be with you even sexually the times I had shot up, was insane. But as time went on, even after our discussion on the phone when I was in the park somewhere masturbating practically because I was so fuckedup... in the off times, no matter how crazy our conversations had ever gotten, I knew it still hurt you ina way to see me do that to myself. "The drugs that is..." :) . Came to one point, can't honestly remember what exactly was my turning point other than, you were the only person other than my best friend Kurt who I had in my life who I couldn't wait to talk to every single day.... when I opened the computer, or checked my phone, I honestly constantly, even...today January 31st, 2012, check my phone, or my computer to see if your online because,,, the biggest thing honestly that hit home for me, was the constant reminder from you that.. I was beautiful, and that wasn't based on appearance it was based on hours of conversations and deep topics....and when I did choose to give up the drug, you said ONE THING TO ME...and that was.... if you ever pick this stuff up ever again, I will never talk to you. From that moment forward inexplicably I made it a point to look myself in the mirror, wash off the nasty smelling sweat from meth leaving my body, and starting eating a lot to gain my strength back and I got clean! Everyone else had been saying it to me, in other ways obviously, and I'm not sure if the whole,'my family is saying it, or my best friends are saying it]' nd im just over hearing it or if it was because... someone outside the situation who really didn't know much about me from the start... but took the time to invest the interest other than just a sexual object interest and made me come to realize I was important. Can remember the first smile on my face when you said to me the following week after I put the pipe down, "happy one week babe" even now finishing this blog I am smiling because, every week after you had continued to say, congrats its been another week. And for the person who hasn't been through an addiction or physically seen someone go through an addiction won't be able to relate to what that meant to me :) and I do want to thank you again from the bottom of my heart for being there..... nearly at every hour almost month after month, week after week, text after text, sitting there listening to every single word I had to say, and never judged me, never pushed me away, and embraced me... for what I was going through, and helped me turn my life around. Much love.


Wednesday, January 4, 2012

beautiful people.

What is our fear of someone with a mental illness, or physical disability, and furthermore are they disabled, or are people just that shallow that, at first glance you see someone who has a difficult time pulling together their thoughts and putting them into words, or you see someone walking behind a walker, whether there 30 or 60 or 6 years old, there a reject?

Over the past 20 years of my life, living in the United States, some of my closest friends have had autism, were born with cerebral palsy, and have a multitude of friends who, from either lack of oxygen at birth or other complications before they came into this world, had a genetic disorder from the start. Now how many of you are sitting here saying, 'Michael, your just being a two-faced shallow bitch, and being nice right now?' You know in response we all have our flaws, even I myself in the past had that habit where I would simply "STARE!" Are you the kind of person who when in a restaurant you scream at a mother who so tenderly loves her son with autism because he won't stop screaming, or in fact there may be someone with tourerettes and you find yourself, incoherently staring and jeering at that person.

Whether someone came into this world with one leg, one lip, half an eyelid, a partial circumcision, dry damaged hair, or a speech impediment, or someone who can't feed themselves or cant do anything without the help of others, were all people, and have emotions, and value and worth. Now if your too ignorant to appreciate people around you, God Bless! But there are people, including myself who still rely on standing in front of the mirror with a blowdryer and a can of hair spray for and hour and a half before I leave the house every day, and every last wrinkle on a shirt has to be pressed out before I'll go in public, and thats sometimes still not enough for me to feel loved and happy. You walk past people every day, who under no control were born differently, I won';t call it a disability, because I have seen many people who fight and work harder to get out of bed every day, who cover up the scars from abuse or cover their heads with a hat, to try and block out the outside world. There are people who wish so very myuch they could get up out of their wheel chair and stand in front of a mirror and pamper themselves, and wish they could go out into the world and grab a drink at a bar, or go down a water slide. So with that said, why is it, including myself are we so selfish, and self-righteous? Is it because nothing ever will satisfy us, simply because, we've seen life from our own eyes, and every one else is just in it, henceforth why we are ignorant? Not sure what compelled me to write this blog today, other than, next time you snicker, or jeer, or mock that person, just remember what bullying you've been through, remember how easy it was for you to get out of bed this morning, and I don't want this to sound like I have sympathy for anyone, thats not my message, the point is merely, dont knock those down around you who you have bo idea what they may have gone through or what they currently are dealing with,

Have a blessed day