Thursday, November 29, 2012

the missing link - giving thanks.

      WORLD AIDS DAY.. has always been a day to remember those whose lives were lost to HIV/or AIDS, which distinguishably seems to be a error in society recognizing.  Other than a few simple numbers that define the two their is a difference.  However the only way I believe we can finish this puzzle that everyone seems to be reposting the imagery for is, by thanking, every single one of the people who have helped us along the way.

      Were so quick so quick to sit here and complain, including myself about the things that are so small, compared to the big picture.  Yes, our medication has a 48 hour half life, which means we can go a day at the most with missing a whole dose, and it won't really hurt anything... But what are we forgetting, is this whole FIGHT, really a fight, or is about wanting something that we already have...

    There has been so many people who have died for me to be here today.  Hundreds have gone through research programs, to ensure that you whoever you are, out there reading this in a small city in Boise, can wake up tomorrow and have your TRUVADA, or Complera - Lets be honest, how many of us actually... think, WOW - they did that for me, for us, for our family, friends, children, parents.  I don't think even sitting here, looking in my drawer of medication I've really care enough to be grateful.

      You know theres that saying we all use ' Family is everything...' but, when it comes down to it, like any family, whether your together for 50 years, or a short few weeks,  we take it for granted.   When you tell someone your HIV status, or HEP status, or STD status, I sit here with chills, because for generations we've been so scared, 'What will they think?, Will he judge me, Will she want to sleep with me?'  And for YEARS... both in the homosexual community and the heterosexual community been assaulted, been slandered, been ridiculed for our status, or sexual preference, or even broad spectrum skin color... but thankfully, just as I experience the other day, and it lights up my face with the biggest smile, you tell someone, 'Hey, how do you feel about my status.." and they say; What about it? And what gets better and whoever ever you are reading this, has experienced that feeling when someone says, I embrace you are, and I want you to stay around a long time.  That feeling, is....immeasurably, BEAUTIFUL.. and I feel like when someone, anyone, embraces your HIV status, to me, I just feel the love of God, and cant...even begin to thank him for my blessings...

     We are fighting each and everyday, but, what are we fighting for anyway... This whole thing to draw people together and force our friends, to get tested, and to shove in someones face the grim, rash reality that there going to prison for their entire life, is necessary, and don't get me wrong, I believe its what needs to be taught to prevent people from spreading HIV... but... come on, its 2012..  I was just at dinner the other night with a friend of mine and my parents and we were all discussing something and within, seconds the iPhones and Androids were out researching what we didn't know.  If someone unfortunately chooses not to be receptive towards or challenge to promote a healthier quality of life ... we can't get mad at them.  YES, if your going to be intimate with someone else, wear a condom, if your going to do IV drugs, use a clean needle, be smart about it, I sure wasn't and thats why I am here today with the issues I have.

What about... this - I Michael Lloyd, strongly, stand behind this final puzzle piece of giving thanks, we don't appreciate our friends enough, or our neighbors, or the woman who sits at the front desk of the local doctors office, or the government health department office doing ADAP...  I can honestly say, we take them for granted and don't thank them.  They love us, you out there, MOM & DAD, I love you so much.  Without our parents, or friends, we wouldn't be here, because were fighting so damn hard for people who aren't ever going to care, and thats unfortunate, but you can't lead a horse to water and force it to drink, but you can, thank those who do care, thank the ones who have made our lives easier possible.  I THANK YOU, to everyone of you who have been in my life and have helped me get to where I am today, and have embraced me for who I am, and I thats NOT my HIV STATUS.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Hi, I vote for equal rights, but your WRONG for having your own opinion.

What is it about the election that gets us all so fired up? Republican / Democrat, perhaps even independent, or I don't give a f#%@!! We all have our catch phrase many of which I will not say due to the mere factor that over the course of this election campaign and throughout the debates I have said my fair share of strong, factually supported realistic poin of views.

Now quickly if I may for those who may have been offender by my statements or comments regarding Obama's incompetency, and you don't like my lack of patriotism. Too bad!!! I've had to look at your political crap bashing a man who HAS EXPERIENCE with the only thing this country is based on, MONEY! Alright! Ill stop, I think we can all gather who I'm leaning towards, but lets get down to business here.

I want it known that maybe just because Your son or daughter or your doctor chooses to have a different opinion on politics doesn't make them a horrible person. Don't get me wrong after my endless rants bashing the world and the president I will continue to stand by my core values and beliefs and not let someone have enough power over me to offend me. All my rude comments are an opinion, were all created equal! What I chose to do in the bedroom, has been made public knowledge if you don't know my sexuality then that's really none of your business and if its of interest to you chances are you can find out who I like to roll around with in the sheets in 15 seconds. But is any of that REALLY the way we want to define ourself and show our children how we choose to define others? Not based on sexuality, but on judging someone and casting shame against them for voting for a different Political candidate that opposes their marriage opportunities? The beauty about this whole world we live in, is that without being able to put food on the table , or without a better economy, the small factorization of gay marriage has NO FACTOR in anything.

Lets go back to the beginning and after all I've got a major headache and the coffee pot just went off.... Many of you are voting for Obama, who SUPPORTS the end of hate, bullying, segregation, sexuality discrimination, don't you think as this election falls just over a weeks time away that we all show a little more love for one another and show our TRUE COLORS, rather than exhibit hate? I may be one washer up, gay, Christian, republican but one thing is for sure I can justify down and dot all my I's and cross all my T's, but one thing I won't do is bash someone just because everyone else is doing it and step back and say I support anti-bullying and hate.

Food forthought......

Happy Friday

Tuesday, July 17, 2012


       What is it about taking that next step, that were always so afraid of?  For year's I've been hesitant, and pushed out the idea of living my life to the fullest.  Always so quick to have an opinion, yet all the while, behind closed doors, I was shooting up, and doing risky sexual behavior, while neglecting those who loved me so much.  To answer that phone of a loved one and know in their voice, they were unsure if they'd ever talk to you again, was a tone of which was ignored for years - yet was blown off time after time, due to the selfish craving and desire of addiction.  The uncertainty of the unknown is such a complex realm, or if your need it in simpler terms,  a very grey area.  However it doesn't have to be grey, or complex.

   No dream is too big, nor too high to reach, each goal is beyond priceless, and unique to its beholder.  Not to sound too philosophical, but ultimately, as I talked about in my last blog, HIVHAVEN.COM - What do you Want Out Of Life? we all have that choice, that decision that only we can make, regardless of the negativity the outside world wants to stir up to interfere that choice, YOU have the power to follow through, and do anything you want to do.

    Not only have the past few months been remarkable, but they've flown by faster than a bullet leaving the barrel of a gun, as I talked about just after my break up in May It's all a Blur .  Everyone constantly talks about that closure, or going back with the eraser to clean up outside the lines of a drawing, but when you think about it, why would one, after coming so far, want to go back to their past, for granted we all go through, and yes I'm going to use my phrase, "crap", but why go backwards?

  The time between my trip to New York City with my best friend Kurt Wagner has been filled with so many precious opportunities, that I believe God put into my life for a reason, and if it wasn't for making that crucial decision in the sour relationship I had, most likely I'd still be falling into a pit.  And when I sit here this morning at 1:45, with suitcases on my bed, and clothes rumbling in the drier in preparation for my flight to Washington D.C. at 11:38 today for the International AIDS Conference, I sit and have chills, knowing, making that phone call, is the most precious thing anyone can do, but furthermore beyond that, opening your, heart and mind to the chance to make a risk, and accepting the possibility of failure but realizing one grows the most during times of uncertainty, hearing that voice on the other end of the phone ' I am so proud of you," is the most precious gift in the entire world.  STAND UP, BE BRAVE, AND MAKE THAT FIRST STEP.

Thank you all so much for the support, and prayers.

If your interested in supporting me for conference,  your welcome to Email Michael here and find out what ways you can help me on my trip.

LOve you all.


Monday, July 16, 2012

what do you want out of life

     Over the past few years its seldom you'll hear me sit and say I have any regrets, mainly because if it wasn't for all the circumstances of which I puit myself in, and was put into on behalf of someone else, I wouldn't be here today.  Come to learn, and many people have this misconception, that were all in this together, for granted, if you have HIV, maybe thats your opinion, however ultimately, that comes down  to the mere ideology, what do you want out of life?

With the culmination of my methamphetamine addiction ending in, watching my fathers in tears in his lazy boy recliner and sitting in the backseat of a police car, going down the 408 ( East West Expressway - in Orlando, FL) at 3 am, in handcuffs.  That was an experience that I refuse to ever put myself into ever again.  Who know, back in 2008 when someone said, hey do you want to try a little bit of this, I would've said, 'yeah sure, why not?' Looking back, I was a freaking idiot.  Your probably wondering, how is it that someone so young, as I am 22 years old, could come to terms with the mere reality of the situation, and my addiction? It wasn't that difficult, I have been blogging now for a little over a year, and many people ask me, what inspired you to put your foot down and announce to the world, 'Hey! I am addicted to Meth!?" First and anyone who know's me directly can contest to the simple factor of, you have to be able to wake up and face yourself in the mirror everyday, and approve of what you see, otherwise nobody else will.  I've held on to that same reasoning for my self respect for years.  I constantly remind people, your human, we make mistakes, but, don't be merely mistaken by that and use it, as many do, for a crutch as to how you can get away with making bad decisions. 

 For a few months, I was living away from home with friends, rather a gay couple I met online, just after I was diagnosed with HIV back in January 2010.   If you were around in my life at that point you'll most likely remember me being beyond skinny, my eyes were always black, and I hardly ever left where I was, not to mention being on Adam4adam, for day's at a time, sometimes even 8 days upwards.  Needless to say, I'm sure I can come to terms with the fact that I wasn't in a good place what so ever in my life at that point.   

It was an odd situation, my brother graduated high school in June of 2010, I was still living downtown with this couple, and had been seeing someone, of which the relationship was solely based off of, smoking out of the glass pipe on the weekends, which previously for me, turned into shooting up. I remember refraining from drugs of any kind, that week prior, and I had the opportunity to get high just before Daniel's graduation, and I praise God for having angels protect over me, and lead me on the right path.  I specifically remember sitting at the old TD Waterhouse Center in Orlando, before they blew it up.  I was sitting my seat with my family and when they called his name amongst thousands, to walk across the stage I was filled with tears, "WOW!! My baby brother is graduating from high school!!!"  Insane, emotional moment, and was so happy to have been clean.  Over the next couple years I bounced back and forth between sobriety, and living under the influence of a controlled substance and refused to do anything about it.  

Negativity has always been something that, I've always, until recently identified or let bring me down, until I realized, and the common saying; ' nobody can make you inferior without your consent' goes to show in every situation, with another person.  Who's to say that anyone, regardless of who they are, or what purpose they serve in your life, is allowed to have any control over how you choose to feel about yourself.  Thats always been a battle with me.  Back in 2009 I was sexually abused by another man.  He was 27 at the time and I was about 19 I guess. For the past couple years, I chose to block that stage out of my life, and totally forget about it.  The mere shame or embarrassment that I put over myself like a child puts their head under the sheet at night when they cry themselves to sleep, is merely the same thing I was doing.  I finally came to terms with the rape last Monday, for a matter of fact.  It wasn't an easy thing, and with being in online talk radio, and beginning in HIV activism, I found it my role and responsibility on behalf of anyone else who was sexually abused, to come clean and go on the record on my show and talk about it.  Merely for that sense of relief within myself, but also, I stayed quiet for several years because I was afraid, I didn't have anyone to look up to , merely because nobody else had spoken out about being sexually abused within the gay community.  The disappointing thing is, people do talk about it, but wait and write books 30 years later.  Thinking back, with all the different crazy circumstances one creates for themselves based on holding grudges or harboring mixed feelings, your only making it harder on yourself.  With that said, I have been swamped with messages regarding the incident and my radio show last Wednesday, Straight to the Point with Michael Lloyd Dirty Laundry on Blog Talk Radio at 6:30 pm, asking me, how has this affected this around you.  My response has been, HOW HAS IT NOT?!!? Your friends and family may always act confused, or innocent in a situation but they know you the best and when something isn't right or not normal they know somethings going on, and merely ties directly back in to the single question you ask yourself every morning when you face yourself in the mirror; ' What do you Want Out of Life"  

I recently have been so blessed to land a job, and do my personal training work, as well as, moving forward, because ultimately if you choose to not move forward and dwell on what isn't than your never going to be able to embrace the future for what it could be.  

follow my other blog on:
Straight to the Point Radio :

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Campaign for IAC

          My name is Michael Lloyd, I am a 22 year old living in Orlando, FL with HIV,  I have been positive for two years and currently have come to terms with the choices I have made in my past.  I find it very important, to help bring funding to local organizations to help those who need medication and testing, etc, however I am expanding on my role as an activist and speaking out on behalf of personal stories of which I have overcome, and have tremendously effected my life.  In efforts to make a difference I began blogging a year ago ( ) and have been interview on a couple online radio show's about my struggles with addiction and accepting myself after my diagnosis.  I recently started my own online radio podcast, on BlogTalk Radio, of which is entitled; Straight to the Point with Michael Lloyd, on both Wednesday and Friday evenings at 6:30pm.  Some of the issues discussed are homosexual references, as well as heterosexual issues primarily pertaining to health, fitness, HIV, sex, and other social issues.  I recently came to terms and went on the record on my show last night about being sexually abused back in 2009.  I believe its important for young people like myself, to come to terms with being raped.  The stigma behind being raped needs to be released, as for myself confronting the person who raped me, opened up a great deal of opportunity to mentor to other people. 

                                              (Michael's volunteer schedule for IAC)

          It has been a recent decision to go to Washington D.C, for the international AIDS Conference next week.  I have been corresponding with the team, and have 
been given the opportunity to volunteer for the conference, of which I will be doing 'Badge Check', and have also been offered from the AIDS Quilt, to volunteer with the unfolding, and folding of the Quilt during the ceremonies.  I am looking  I am looking forward to attending the conference in hopes to further educate myself on  treatment options, and  ways to bring more awareness to the Orlando area close together, with releasing the stigma of HIV, and relaying the message thats its OK, to  have HIV, and you can still  function, and be healthy and happy, without limitations.  My main goal is to bring back a sense of knowledge to make more of an emphasis  that HIV needs to stop, there is too much damn money spent, on funding for programs, the budget plan for next year for HIV/AIDS 2013 FY report has designated 3% of  the 70 billion dollar plan towards prevention.  Thats beyond unacceptable! Why don't we stop it.  I promise, that I will go to my grave, working as hard as I can, and  speaking out, and making people feel more comfortable as human beings, who aren't perfect and who do make mistakes of which can have more productive lives.   Everyone does have the responsibility of speaking out on behalf of those who have died of AIDS, and of those who do have HIV, need to rise up and take responsibility  for your actions , and  if you were raped like myself and perhaps thats how I got HIV, I don't know, we need to, on behalf of others, make sure this doesn't keep  happening. I ask you to support me, I have raised $100 so far, towards my goal of around $800-900 to go to Washington by next Wednesday.  Please, consider, don't  donate because Michael is asking, donate on behalf of your community, and the future well being of the United States of America. 

Below is the information:


Tuesday, July 3, 2012

the michael lloyd diet.

Many of you are constantly asking me , what do you eat, how do I maintain well rounded nutrition, and fitness in my every day life, more importantly all of you keep asking me, what do you do for your abs - truth is, NOTHING, I just eat right.

For those of you who do try and sip on a coke, or crinkle down the wrapper on a Reeses Peanut Butter cup chocolate for a quick snack, calories aside THROW THEM AWAY.  I see so many people, who workout at the gym, they maintain correct form in their workouts, they sleep the right amount at night, and they steer clear from drugs and excessive alcohol, but they get off that treadmill, run to the locker room, and they eat a protein bar or have a soda, "yeah I'm even talking to you, the man sitting there reading this with a diet coke in your hand."  I'll get to the protein bar thing later, but read the 'fine print' and do your research - even though the sugar may be low, check out the meaning, and the process in which "alcohol sugar" is broken down.

 Every morning, I start my day, typically between 4:30 and 5:30am, why so early? The question should be; Why not?  Theres 'X' amount of hours in the day when the sun is up, go ahead sometime this week into next, go to sleep a half hour earlier, set your alarm earlier, and get up with a clear mind, and start your day.  Once I've gotten dressed, I head straight to the kitchen, grab the carton of eggs, crack 3 on the side of a bowl and whisk them up, after heating a dime size amount of olive oil in a ceramic non-stick pan I'm ready to fry the eggs, just before I flip the eggs over

I rinse, and toss in FRESH baby spinach leaves, and crumble feta cheese.  

Me any people try and use a lot of sodium and pepper in their eggs, however what works for me, may not be the best for you, and I'm not licensed in the area of nutrition however I have done my fair share of research, and - ITS WORKING!  BUT on the salt factor a lot of foods have natural forms of sodium, so don't over do it.

The next step in my breakfast process, while the eggs are finishing on their last side, I pull out the Vita-mix (the high grade blenders they use in smoothie shops like planet smoothie) and throw in some blueberries, banana, greek yogurt, and almond milk.

 Sometimes for fiber I try and a up chia seeds ( don't mistake this for the ones you grew as a child in that tacky ceramic setting ) these must be soaked for at least 30 mins - preferably in a soy/almond milk, therefore allowing the enzymes to break down making it easier for your body to digest.  Most times I'll use Kale if I'm using spinach in my eggs, however you can add anything to your smoothie.  Throw the variable speed to 10, switch the blade to HIGH, run to my bedroom, grab my HIV meds, and my 5 vitamins I take in the morning consisting of (2 multi-vitamins, b12, b6, biotin, vitamin C, D and E) and BAM 7 mins, your done!

- SIDE NOTE- avoid drinking during the eating process, its makes it easier on your stomach to properly digest without the mixture of liquids while you eat.

By now your probably saying, HOW THE HELL can I do all these things, well variations to the morning smoothie would include dishing up  a bowl of greek yogurt, or cottage cheese and adding your fruits to that :)

Once I have everything cleaned up, I'm usually starving again!! however chances are I'm late to the gym, so I try and get in a good 10 mins of cardio, and then an hour and  a half of muscle training.

Right after the gym, I used to come home and make one of those cheap $20 muscle milk shakes, or I'd sit and mash up a rice protein powder into milk, which was utterly gritty and ...BLEHH. If you don't feel like shaking up a bunch of chemicals that you have no idea the names of, or don't feel like putting all that extra crap into your body, in the powder form that is, what has worked for me, is I come home and I make another smoothie, I yank out the vitaminx, throw in a handful of red kale leaves, spinach, beets, ginger root, cucumber, lemons, apples, carrots, flax seed (great for you) in the meantime, Im usually checking the twitter and emails, and figuring out what I need to do for the day, I run into my room, lay down face first on my bed, open up the Macbook Pro and open my blinds, the sun usually hasn't come up yet, and theres deer sitting outside my window eating grass looking in at me.

I'd say, and going back to the challenge of waking up early, you have so much more productive 'NO STRESS" time in the am, nobodies out on the roads at 5 am going to the gym, NOBODY IS AT THE GYM, for granted not everyone has a cushy life style such as mine, but REMEMBER, if you want to do something, you'll make time to do it, after all, your with it right? :)

I wouldn't necessarily recommend it but, I go through about 3 pots of coffee to myself every morning.  If thats not your forte, I'd definitely recommend, which I also do - you can go to Target/Walmart/Walgreens or fill up a gallon jug everyday of still water, and carry it around ALL DAY LONG, and finish it.  *side note - water is best consumed when its room temperature, yeah I know this sucks, cold water is so much more 'refreshing' but trust me!"

I'm sure your wondering, "Michael, what do you eat for a snack, don't you have protein bars!!" hell no! Those have so many bad things in them, for granted there QUICK EASY, and...hey! if your on the go, there simple right?  "READ THE LABEL"  counting carbs and calories doesn't do anything, THROW THE SCALE AWAY, it'll only make you feel worse.  Now for those of you, and you know who you are, who have to have your Coca-Cola, or your Diet-Coke <3 ... DO YOUR BODY A FAVOR.  On a daily basis I see so many people sitting in their cars at stoplights, or as I mentioned earlier they go to the gym with a soda, or energy drink *(of which the caffeine intake on those is so ridiculous, all your asking for is a crash!!)* why put something into your body that gives you a quick fix of sugar? WHYNOT? :) first of all they taste good, but TRUST ME, go 5 days, change your diet, don't drink juice from concentrate, "WELCHES, isn't juice!"  A lot of those cranberry cocktail things with pomegranant aren't bad, however I do 3 parts water to 1 part concentrated juice... you do the math.  :)

Alright BACK ON TRACK!  BY THE WAY, for those who are still following, I wrote this lil diet secret because, first, theres a million and one different opinions, what may work for me, and does work for me, MIGHT NOT work for you. So whatever tips I'm offering are because I feel like the things I've learned everyone should be able to at least try, and improve their quality of life from.

Lunch, I try and stay with a light salad, usually, olive oil dressing (and for those of you who love to feel like your swimming in a land of KY jelly in your salad, you don't need that much dressing!!!  Its impractical. I try and limit myself to mushrooms, peppers, herbs, all of which I grow at home.

If I want to have a snack, I usually get out the food processor at the beginning of the week and throw in a couple tomatos, onion, cilantro, and salt and pepper and BAM! salsa, its light, its easy, and I know where its coming from and whats in it.

Dinner, ranges from, grilled chicken, to pan seared tilapia, with light spices, occasionally have steak, paired with baked red skinned potatoes and peppers in a ceramic dish and baked.  Steamed vegetables are always with every meal for dinner, unless I decide to just blend everything up into a smoothie.

Tips....or food for though :D

- Take it easy on the concentrated juices
- Go easy on the salt
- Stay clear of soda/energy drinks
-No candy bars/protein bars (look for alcohol sugar on label)
-Stay as natural as possible
-You are what you eat

Just because its plant based, or organic, doesn't mean it has to taste bad, so many health shows for food talk about you have to eat plants, and you say to yourself, ' I'm better off just eating it out of the ground' NOT TRUE!  Just ease yourself into it, good nutrition, and eating right, doesn't and won't happen open night, you know your body, acquire a taste for what you already like, and add things in and see what you like.  I guarantee you that you'll feel better, results may not always happen immedietly but eating better, I PROMISE that you'll have a more focused mind, and a better mood, and more NATURAL energy.

twitter: mikeslloyd

Michael Lloyd Bio


  Michael Lloyd is a 22 year old, male living in Orlando, Florida, he spends most of his time, working out at the gym and eating healthy.  Over the past two and a half years since his HIV diagnosis, he's come to realize a lot of things, one of which, "life isn't guaranteed' and within that, everyone who comes in and out of our lives is a gift" Michael says. Being so young, living with HIV, Michael has come to terms with the virus, and after a rocky road dealing with a methamphetamine addiction, he is striving each and every day in moving forward to a brighter, happier future.   He accredits most of his moral's and values to his faith in God, and you'll always find him thanking his family for their unconditional love and support. Life wasn't meant to be easy, but its up to each and everyone of us to determine which pieces of the puzzle we want to utilize.  

           Through working with personal training, and inspiring others to incorporate better living techniques in their everyday lives, Michael uses this as his anti-drug.  Michael say's ''We are all in this fight to stop the spread of HIV together, nobody is in this for competition, and nobody is any better than anyone else, the beauty of it all is, WE EACH HAVE A VOICE, and we should bless others with the chance to hear our voice.  

    More recently Michael has started an online radio show, entitled, "Straight to the Point with Michael Lloyd" on Blogtalkradio at 6:30pm on Friday's,  in hopes to put a twist, and alternate perspective on many social, health, entertainment topics that go on every day.  He has appeared on POZ I AM Radio with Hosts Robert Breining and Jeremy Dunn, and in his later work was a guest on the Paul and Matty Show for World AIDS Day.  He currently working hand in hand with Hope & Help of Central Florida on the Board of Directors for the Head Dress Ball 2012 - Twisted - An Evening Under The Rainbow on the sales committee.  

Michael's interview from POZ I AM Radio -

Straight to the Point with Michael Lloyd- Week 1, Guest Adam Barta

Straight to the Point with Michael Lloyd - Week 2, POZ I AM creator: Robert Breining

Interview with Paul and Matty Show for World AIDS Day in 2011.

Michael's Twitter: @mikeslloyd
Straight to the Point Radio Twitter: @PointPozitive

Michael's Facebook:
Straight to the Point Radio Facebook:

Michael's Email:
Straight to the Point Radio Email:

Phone: (407)267-1110

Saturday, June 23, 2012

The sun always shines on those who choose to see it

Haven't blogged in a while, been a good week, just sitting here looking outside, waiting for this monsoon to blow over, so I can bike to the gym.  Its been such a great positive week.. can't thank all of you enough for being so supportive on the radio show.  I think I'm finally in a place where I'm 100% confident with everything in my life, and happy with who I am.. there have been a few road blocks in the way that have disabled me from realizing my full potential, however more so recently I was finally able to get some full closure on a couple open doors from the past.  Everyone always say's with relationships why bother looking back, who needs closure, but ultimately, when you get out of a relationship quickly, and don't look back, is it really helping or hurting?  I believe for myself, he was someone I really did care a lot about, but he made sure I was reminded constantly about how much he didn't like my friends, and how much he was insecure with the person he was by trying to change me.  For granted, who in there right mind is going to say; "I love you, and I want to change you?" Nobody! haha.  But I will say, that love makes someone do stupid things, that later on they regret.  I am blessed to say that thankfully I have a really good support group, and was luckily able to not look back.  Unfortunately, time allows emotions and hard feelings to set in, and regardless if you hate that person for what they did, or miss them, I think closure is good..

With that said, I'm finally ready to bring out Michael.  The show has been going so good, just completed the second week last night, and can't express how excited I am to continue next week, with very special guest, Gary Cosgrove, of whom many of you know him from the imperial court of New York.  However I said to myself, you know its all well and great that I want to let the world know my vision for HIV/AIDS, activism,  but who the heck wants to listen to interviews all week, thats ... mediocre.  I am blessed and beyond thankful that Adam Barta, and Robert Breining came on the show as special guests, and the show's went great.  Next Wednesday I will be launching a second show, called Straight to the Point with Michael Lloyd - Dirty Laundry, more or less to bring out the more juicy details.  I am highly looking forward to bringing all of you a very personal, blunt, humorous show, with the opportunity to call in.  After all, many of you know I have an opinion for everything, and I don't hold back.  So tune in Wednesday at 6:30, and recently we got the facebook up and running so check that out.  Thanks everyone for all the love and support..

As for the day, its raining here in Orlando, been working out like twice a day, so super excited that I'm back on my routine.  I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend.


Twitter: @mikeslloyd
Straight to the Point Radio Facebook:
Twitter: @PointPozitive
Straight to the Point with Michael Lloyd - Dirty Laundry (Wednesdays at 6:30 pm)-

Straight to the Point with Michael Lloyd (Fridays at 6:30pm) -

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Happy Fathers Day


Happy Fathers Day, to the most humble, most caring, most blessed father in the entire world.  To someone who loved when he didn't have to, to the man who went out of his way, and spent tons of money, at the time seemed so priceless to adopt two helpless boys and offer them a better life, the man who still 24 years later, is still married to the best mother in the world.  For the times, I led astray, you never led me astray.  To the father who, threw a ball with me or shot hoops with me every day after work, the father, who flew home from trips  to be with his two sons for EVER SINGLE sporting event, the father who walked across the stage every boyscout court of honor, and held out his hand as scout master and shook both his hands son as they advanced to each rank.  The very same father, went out of his way to teach both his sons how to ride a bike and later on, taught both his sons how to drive a car.  Over all the many obstacles we all have gone through in life, I must say my father, Mark Lloyd is the best father in the entire world.

Love you Dad,


Tuesday, June 12, 2012

its kinda a blur

          Been a whirlwind of the past few weeks, I can remember like it was yesterday, 2 and a half weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio at Savoy, having a drink and a cigarette, and I was having an argument with my boyfriend, and without thinking about it, something said, type the words, "Are we even good for each other?, and if not, what are we doing?" and I hit send... After that everything from that point on was a total blur, mainly because I chose to make it one, other than the mere factor that I had never loved someone so much before in my life, but also hated someone so much, I still to this day, get goosebumps looking at the text of those words I sent.  
        Before I knew it, I was sitting on a plane next to Kurt, my best friend in the entire world, and we were looking out the windows, landing in Newark, New Jersey.  Five days went by, of pure, relaxing, no drama time, with one of the most important people, other than God and my family, in my life.  It was a time to get away from all the negativity, and figure out what it was that I wanted in life.  For years I was here mooching off of whatever I could, or I was so lazy to the point where I didn't want to do anything for myself, but it was probably one of the best 5 days, and over due.  People to this day still ask me, what the hell were you thinking!!?  Truthfully, I've come to the point where I don't care what someone thinks, and if those of you heard my interview on POZIAM Radio this past Sunday, Robert Breining asked me, how do you deal with the negativity, and I said, 'I used to pay attention, but I don't anymore."

     In retrospect to, the reason I'm blogging, everything is still a complete and utter whirlwind.  I remember scheduling the interview with Robert before me and Maxx split, and I didn't really think about it, or rather put it into terms with my dreams and aspirations of furthering my involvement with HIV/AIDS activism.  Kurt, I'm sure you can relate, that we have both accomplished so much this past year, I've seen you grow as a person so much, and I'm proud to be in your life, and call you my best friend.  Just about a year ago, many of you who have been following me, probably remember I announced that I was going to start my non profit, and wanted to give back to the community.  And shortly after I slipped into drugs, but I'm not totally sure....why I'm sitting here even writing this, I guess, well, mainly I'm so overwhelmed with how quickly, everything has been falling into place and how much I've grown as a person, and its been such a natural transition, but at the same time, I keep asking myself, is it right, and I've never been happier.  

    I think back to the break up, and going to New York, and I'm sitting here in a wet towel, and theres water dripping off my beard onto the desk, and I'm dazing off into my mirror infront of myself, and getting lost in the thoughts, which I guess are forming into words, but, I'm at a loss for words I guess, its maybe the pressure of everyone, or maybe its the factor that, WOW im actually achieving my dreams and goals, and OH SHIT, I need to finish this script for my first radio show on Friday, hmmm thats in 2 days, I'm so blaaaah.  I know it'll be good, but I want to be perfect at it.  You only get a first try at a first impression, some say, your only as good as your last show, but I'm nervous, scared, but also, so incredibly happy to be moving forward in my life. 

     Oh YEAH, thats why I'm writing this!!  the break up thing,  I listen to songs, and see pictures, or read stuff that was on my computer that he wrote when he spent the night a couple times, or sweet emails he sent, and its not like i MISS HIM or anything but, I haven't had time to process ANY OF THIS, ...or maybe have I processed it?  How can someone go from being head over heels, I want to put a ring on this boys finger, to 3 weeks later, holding a ticket stub from a us airways flight 4545 to Orlando from Philadelphia, and in the other hand, a pen and a note bad with my script for a talk show that I have wanted for my entire life.  Maybe I'm just finally having time to BREATHE?   I don't think I'm scared of going forward, its just...a mind fuck.  I don't feel bad that I dumped him, or don't regret anything, because, that was the biggest learning experience of my life, other than, overcoming obstacles with meth addiction and living my life with HIV.  any who,  I am getting exhausted,  was at the gym earlier and had the runs, and started to sweat,might be getting sick from the HPV, and Tetanus shots I had last week too, maybe thats why I'm just clouded?  Blaaaah.  Is all of this normal, well. WAIT, what is normal :), normal is what you make it, normal I mean, breaking up with the love of your life, and sitting and preparing for your first talk show, and finalizing everything for your personal trainer certification exam.  All of which, is the most rewarding thing I've ever gone through, because, not only have I grown into the person I know I'm meant to be, but I am offering other people that opportunity to improve the way they live their life.  :)  ..  if your stil reading my jumble of thoughts that probably make no sense, thanks for reading.  

and check out my radio show this Friday at 6:30pm.  Straight to the Point with Michael Lloyd

Friday, June 8, 2012

a piece of the puzzle

       I decided, the past two years have been one vivid roller coaster, not only that of colorful experiences many of which I don't remember but experiences that have one by one come together and added to this little thing I call the puzzle of my life.  

The following is an email I exchanged with Robert Breining the creator of POZIAM, the first email was to Robert on his article on his article "Evolution of a Cyber Activist"the same day I was diagnosed, January 26th, 2010.  

Robert,                                                                                                                              February 23, 2010

 How are you, My name is Michael Lloyd.  I read your blog on entitled; "Evolution of a Cyber-activist."  I am 20 years old.  On January 26, 2010, same day your blog was posted I had a notion to go into a clinic here where I live in Orlando Florida, and got tested.  I was tested with the 20 mins, rapit fingerprick test.  Not only three minutes after I sat in the waiting room a doctor walked out and called me back, and told me I was 'reactive,positive'  blood work was taken and on February 3rd went back and doctor told me I was positive, wanted to email you because, your blog really has sunk deep with me, since I have been doing meth for about a year now, off and on, not regularly.  For the past 2 months I have been feeling th urge to smoke it almost everyday now, and I was curious, what advice you have to me as far as, is it something I tell parents about, or do I go join an N.A class as you said you did?  Would really appreciate to hear back from you.  Hope you have a good week.


About two days later Robert got back to me saying;

Michael ,

Thank you for your email and comments about my blog. I was diagnosed about the same age as you. It is a process man and you will get through it. It took me 5 yrs to get to the place I am today. I advise you to stay connected with others who are HIV+. It is important to know your not alone. I told my mother I was Using and HIV+ because I couldn't stop. I know my mother was afraid that I was using meth and cocaine but was glad I realized I needed help. That is the first step - Admitting you have a problem. Most of the time our friends and family support us and often shock us with the amount of love they offer.But it all starts with you. You must admit you have a problem with the meth. I went to NA meetings because I wanted to stop and had no where to turn. If I were you I would start attending meetings. You can tell you parents about the Meth and not the HIV if that make you more comfortable. Remember move at your own pace but don't stop on the track. You'll get hit by the train. I would advise you to join my network at and reach out. There is a POZ-Sober & Clean group on POZIAM for this type of support.
Getting it off your chest and saying "I have a drug problem or I have HIV" is tough but when it is all said and done... You will feel 100 times better.
Please don't hesitate to email me with more questions. Best to you on this journey

Robert Breining
HIV/AIDS Cyber-Activist,Blogger & Social Network Guru 

We are of the belief that friendship is born the moment when one person says to another "What? You too? I thought I was the only one!"

Connect with me on the following social networks

          Today, June 8, 2012, I am happy to say, I am still in contact with Robert, and just finished a really wonderful Skype chat with him.  For months, we had exchanged messages via facebook, and we have texted here and there but haven't ever really chatted, but I never really knew if I'd see the man who truthfully changed my life forever.  For granted we all have those moments when we are diagnosed where we research other peoples stories, but how often do you come actually read someones blog and have it impact you and stick for years?  Not many if you ask me.  

          I won't give away too much of the rest of my story, considering if you go back in my blog its all right there, but Robert reached out to me a couple weeks ago and asked if I wanted to come share my story on his radio show POZIAM,  and I said, "No way! I'd love to!"  He asked me what I wanted to talk about, and I said, well me of course, and my story.  Theres a reason everyone comes into each others lives, whether we choose to recognize that for good or bad, the important part is taking the good out of each and every situation.  A couple weeks ago I had no clue what I was going to say, in fact, I almost backed out until recently.  I was in a great relationship, and thought I met the love of my life, and things unfortunately didn't work out, and I kept coming back to one solid thing, whats held me together, first and foremost my faith in God, and second my parents and family and friends.  

   I wanted to pull myself away from the equation, and just not sure, express my thoughts I guess?  For over a year now I have wanted to get actively involved in HIV advocacy work, did I know how, or where to go, or who to talk to?  Absolutely freaking not!  But I am blessed to say, we all come back into each others lives for a reason one way or another, and I think I take a lot of this to my head, not the radio thing, but the blessed life I've been given, and the blessings of friendship and family.  I read on a daily basis stories of many of you about how you came from broken homes, or your mother or father died when you were young.  For granted I am adopted and Mark & Lori Lloyd, you both have always been my family, but when it comes down to it, I have nothing to complain about, and I think the past two years of fighting, and the terror of meth addiction, has all brought to this point where I have been given such an amazing opportunity to reach out, and tell the world, tell my friends, tell my family, and express to Robert what I've gone through, and how that simple blog he shared, and him reaching back out to me, was the first glimmer of hope for me, that said, "Michael.... your going to beat this, and it won't be easy, but there are people who care".  So I do thank all of you who have supported me over the past couple years, and I am proud to say everything is finally beginning to come together for me.  

Robert, thank you for replying back to me on February 25, 2010.  I was a lost little boy, stuck in a  world of meth, and newly diagnosed and didn't know where to go, and I thank you for being that shining puzzle piece in the pile of thousands of pieces, that still today has been a shining glimmer of hope for me to keep fighting.  

For all of you who are interested in hearing my wonderful interview with Robert Breining himself , you can click the link below, and listen in LIVE, this Sunday at 9pm, and infact call in and ask me questions.  

Friday, May 11, 2012


I am beyond overjoyed, and can not thank God any more for being so tremendously blessed.    My parents have always been right, God does have a plan for my life, and I was rescued from that orphanage for a reason and have been a fighter ever since.

As I sit here on the patio and look out over the beautiful lake, all I see is blue sky, and clouds, and take breath after breath, and can't be any more thankful for how happy I am.  But not only because of news from the doctor, but because, for the past couple years I have been going through a spiritual battle with God, and I wasn't really sure where I stood, or where I fit in so to speak with the whole, being gay, and being a Christian thing, or if I should be ashamed, but as I sit here and type, tears of happiness come down my cheek and I have goosebumps, and I believe this is a sign that God does answer prayer, and is that little sign I was praying for over the years of trouble and heart ache.  Can't be happier.  I will defeat this and be the best I can be and be healthier every day.

                                                        Phone call from the doctor;

Michael? 'Yes', Hi, this is Dr. De Jesus, I wanted to let you know that we are going to put you on a study trial for Hepatitis C, and I am confident that we will cure this disease, and that you will be healthier.  I am also going to have to change your HIV medications due to the interactions, and protocol for the study trial program.  Your current medications are Complera which is the three in one, once a day,  I want to change that to Truvada, and Isentress which is once in the morning and once at night.  "What side effects will I have?" 'I assure you, considering your numbers are great and you are undetectable that you will see no side effects what so ever, and I am very confident in this decision.  Are you interested?  I said. ABSOLUTELY, LETS DO THIS!"

Call me crazy, or silly, for posting so much, but I can't thank God enough and my parents and friends for being so supportive in helping me get to this point.  Living healthy should be a priority in everyones life. Not only for those who have HIV but those who don't, stay active, and exercise and above all give your body the fuel it needs.  TRUST ME, I am living proof.  If you want to become well, and get healthy, your the one whose going to wake up and make that decision, nobody else!

and for those of you who have been following it would mean the world to me if you support me in the AIDS WALK on May 19th.  Not for me, but for others!!

Walker: Michael Lloyd

Friday, May 4, 2012

When you Believe"

                                      Many nights we pray no proof anyone could hear
                                                   And our hearts a hopeful song
                                               We barely understand

    Dear HIV,                                                                                              January 26th 12:16pm

          As I sit here waiting, I keep rolling up my sleeves of my blue and white striped Hollister shirt,

that for some reason isn't cooperating. This belt is way too tight, Ugh, all I really want to do is go back

' and cuddle with him, and I know he's sitting in the car sick to his stomach for my results to come back

 for this stupid test. Was it something I even wanted to do? "ugh this is so weird, who are all these

 people and why are they sick and coughing, bandaids, this place is freaking me out, cant the hurry up

with the damn, "Michael you can come on back now", the young black woman said as she opened the

door with the ever so comforting smile on her face. If you've read the other blogs I've written, the first

one did go over, the rest of the story on how I found out the diagnosis of my HIV status. That little

voice in my head that I felt about HIV, when I was diagnosed, that scared, I'm lonely feeling is no

longer gone." I will say HIV, you have made me one strong person, and during the course of the past

two years those moments of weakness that brought about my addiction to meth, and the battle that I

face each and every- day.

                                                           Now we are not afraid
                                                Although we know there?s much to fear
                                     We were moving mountains long Before we know we could
                                       Oh yes, there can be miracles When you believe
                                         Though hope is frail It?s hard to kill

 Dear Friends && Family,                                                                                                   May 4, 2012

 I wouldn't take any of it back, but I wish I was more educated back then, and that brings me to ,my


have overcome this, and am now undetectable and have been on medication for 4 months now. I will

no longer be binded by a over powering, demon in my life, as wake up every day, I look forward to

taking that one pill, because I feel better each and every day! and for so many people they aren't as

 blessed. After years of prayer, blood, sweat and tears, I am finally happy with the person I have

become, and the person I want to be! I praise God, and those around me who have encouraged me

every single day to take care of myself even when I didn't care because I finally get it, I can be happy,

and HIV is NOT going to knock me down!  I am proud to announce I am starting personal training

certification through AFAA that I will be tested on at the end of June, and will be taking one class this

summer at Valencia, in addition to looking for a part time job on the side. All you have to do is believe,

 and trust in yourself and  know there is a better tomorrow. With that said I would like to announce to

all of you I am walking in   the AIDS WALK in Orlando, on Saturday, May 19, at Lake Eola in

Downtown Orlando. I am overjoyed to be walking side by side with the team Mamma Dee Crusaders,

my dear mentor Rob Domenico's mother's team, Dee Richter, and I have entered as an individual

walker. Within the last 24 hours, thanks to those of you who have generously supported me have put

me over my $100 mark to be eligible to walk. I am overly blessed And would mean the world to me if

you can, even if only a dollar, can donate money to my individual walker fund and help those like

MYSELF be happy, and happiness does come from within, but so many people are suffering and

struggling under binds and need support from the community! Say no to ignorance! For those of you

who did support me during my birthday fundraiser, I raised over $240 for Hope & Help in Central

Florida, and I thank Rob Domenico for his contributions to our community and the HIV community in Orlando Florida and has daily inspired me to be the best I can be.

             If you would like to support me in this very honorable cause the link below will direct you to a secure   website to donate, and select individual walker and select my name :)

 I love you all so vert much, and God Bless, and to those living with HIV, you can win, and we will

come together as one and stop the spread of HIV and help our friends get on track.

 Michael Lloyd <3

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Step By Step

Not only a dedication to myself but to my parents;

My parents, Mark and Lori Lloyd, which I say you both all the time, but your the reason I wake up every day and want to start my day that small cup of coffee we have whether its once a week, or even the argument ovcer the damn red ceramic frying pan, we have our little moments I know one day I'll not be able to cherish and have and for that reason I am turning my life around, for us as a family and for me.

"Well, there's a bridge and there's a river
That I still must cross
As I'm going on my journey
Oh I might be lost"

Do we look at the little things in life, for example, someone that I have yet to meet from Facebook, his name is Nick Biesik, and for months, we've spoken but never really had any connection, other than, and he may kill me but we have our flity; oh you look cute today, otherwise, one thing that I thought about today was, he doesn't send the the "good morning michael" text messages at 5 am, now he asks me throughout the day, one thing that struck me, he said was, "I'm spending my time worrying about you while spending time with my family" following shortly there after he also said; "I am not putting this much effort in it to see you throw your fucking life away."

Reason I wanted to post this morning, not only is it the resurection of Jesus, so Happy Easter, but, as a couple of you know I had an incident on the 26th of March I believe, and I had 'pnp' and for those of you who don't know get high and have sex, and for those who have followed me on Adam4adam, or, or Manhunt and a couple other sites, I have listed; Drug Use. My choice has always been dope. I remember starting on a Tuesday evening I had gotten in this ridiculous argument with my ex-best friend, as we had a falling out, I was outraged, drunk, and whats the first thing you do when your drunk, that is for all of the addicts out there, go on to the next level, for some of us that may be weed, others, like myself its shooting up. On Friday morning around 2:15 I called the cops , in utter panic, and distress, hallucinating

"And there's a road I have to follow, a place I have to go
A place I have to go
Well no one has told me just how to get there
But when I get there I'll know cause I'm taking it"

Two days ago, I for some reason, chose to fall back again, had been speaking to someone online, and we had met up for a few drinks at a little bar in Orlando, called Wyldes, apparently, everyone kept buying me drinks, and I was inebriated beyond belief, and for those who are waiting for that first moment where I spill the raunch, some old man gave me a blow job on the patio.

Long story short, woke up, at my friend Kurt Wagner's house, we had no idea how we got there, somehow the bar tending drove us home, as we made complete embarasing spectacles of ourselves. In the midst I had met someone online from a website, and we had mentioned the whole PNP thing, blah whatever, I was walking home like I had been sitting on tree trunks :) On a serious note, I have spoken to so many people and they continue to say what the fuck is wrong with you? Even my brother has looked at me, and said, what the hell are you doing to yourself?

I remember walking up to the house, after lying to my parents, saying, no I was safe, no drugs, no alcohol, no sex, as we are very close in the respect of they've been my biggest supporters through the HIV process and, I kinda teared up walking down the street, with that nasty, and if you've done crystal meth you know the way that smells, its gross. I was walking up the driveway and stopped and looked in the mirror in the car and said, "walk of shame, again? how many times, do you have to let your own parents see your stupidity and not rising to the occasion and taking ownership?

Is that road a road I want my mother or father to drive down, and see an ambulance in the driveway with me in a body bag, or should they , my own parents not get that much respect from me to owe them my life, and that I will grow up to be the man they taught me to be. And after so much long considering I was so difficult on myself for those other people in my life that bought the drinks, who knew the triggers but....

"Step by step, bit by bit
Stone by stone, yeah brick by brick
Step by step, day by day
Mile by mile, go on your way, go your way"

I believe, being awake now since Thursday early morning, on probably 2 grams worth of dope/crystal meth, whatever you want to call the sTuff. I have realized, yeah, people like to bring each other down, in their shortcomings, but all in the same manner, those people like Nick above and a couple others have tremendously distanced themselves from or out of my life due to my lifestyle choices. I remember, thinking back to when I was first diagnosed with HIV, January 26th, at 12:15pm at Hug Me in Orlando; which so many people don't seem to realize how special those dates are to certain people. My parents, Mark and Lori Lloyd, which I say you both all the time, but your the reason I wake up every day and want to start my day so I love you both so much. I knew who my friends were, it wasn't their choice, I didn't have to weed out the, "I'm so sorry for your situation" kind of person, or those who, "Michael we still love you for who you are," but the moment I got out of the shower they had every cleaning chemical in there scrubbing every last grout line. Back to the drugs, as I am quite sidetracked and I need to try and sleep at least 3 hours for Church, however I suppose, those faces who I wake up and see that, "Hi Good morning" or we all have those same people who like the same things on Facebook, and its really special to appreciate those notifications, not only, did someone take the opportunity to open their life to you, but there interested in what's going on in yours, and for so many years, I have neglected close friend's and our friendships were no longer close during my drug prime, and I thank you Jenna Tuck, for the tough love, as did you Mom and Dad, and its embarassing to relapse and continue to go back, but when I come home and, see friends that do care, I'm reminded of my special qualities, and why you and Dad adopted me from Romania, and that was not to throw it away.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Bullying in the gay community.

As my post yesterday spoke on the issue of Derek Ward.

"Derek Ward, your poor character for other gay people in the community especially those who have done meth, just as you yourself have, your business is none of mine, and my past drug use, has no resemblance of my character today and the person I've become. Your bitterness and nastiness is a wonderful example to all of us in the gay community. Thank you for once again, 3 years later, sweeping me off my feet with your charming personality. ♥"

A close friend emailed me the information about Derek's Facebook status post on Sunday evening, harrassing me through, bringing up past issues involving my methamphetime drug use, and sexual behavior, and lifestyle choices. Until today I hadn't read any of it, but I'm not too sure about the rest of the gay community, but as we are looking for acceptance, and freedom , its sometimes disheartening to hear when someone in your own community brings it upon themselves to lower the moral of another person.

For myself the topic of HIV, and drug use is a touchy subject, although, yes as in the post said, I am working towards HIV prevention, and yes I have also slammed a gram of meth into my vein before. However I believe the reason I am looking to help those in the community, are for this exact reason, because people need inspiration and motivation to realize there is another path in life and they can be happy, and if they are struggling with a drug problem, I hope my story can be inspiring to others.

It saddens me greatly that in Orlando, where meth is a big issue in the gay community there is someone, attacking people, and bringing together their followers, friends, and family, to bash an individual based on choices they have made in their past. Everything in his posts is accurate information, other than the mere problem that I have come to terms with my issues, and every day is a battle to not pick up the pipe or syringe again. And I thank all my friends and supports who have been there for me, for believing in me. There is so much controvery about marriage equality, but how about bullying within the gay community? I believe this is an issue thats overlooked immensly.

Michael Lloyd
February 7, 2012

Thursday, February 2, 2012

real talk - politics.

were too worried about offering someone something theyve already been given the fair opportunity for. the jobs are available, the corporations provide the jobs that you leave from to march on washington to protest against. saw several times in this post about offering the homeless jobs. I myself a former drug addict, who also now presently has HIV, due to habits in the lesser unfortunate lifestyle very well understand, some people dont DESERVE the opportunity. theres jobs everywhere, if your too lazy, or too incapable of bringing yourself to terms with who you are and what you want thats nobodies responsibility to take care of you or look after those other people. nobody should pay for anyones anything. people work damn near hard to get where they are, yeah some got it on a silver platter but... the race card, or the sexuality card, or the social class/economic status card isn't even worth your time, go get a job, were all being torn as a nation to hate each other over human rights issues and the inability to get off our asses... and were too distracted and taken away from the simple common ideals of principals that have lasted for decades, the reasons they no longer due is the economy is now burdened by those people who feel like their entitled something extra, because of the color of their skin, who they choose to have sex with, or health conditions. Yes as a gay male who has HIV, it is extremely admirable of such organizations such as the Ryan White fund and ADAP for assistance for those who dont have insurance, but... come one people use your heads and stop playing the poor me or the.... I WANT a free piece of the pie when..everyone has an equal chance. we fought racism and predjucies within the african american and white community back with martin luther king jr, did we not? do we still need to separate our country based on race, even in politics?

Tuesday, January 31, 2012


Been working on this for months, just needed to figure out the best way to put it together, however for my personally this has been one of the most eye opening people in my life and through the drug addiction. every time I look in the mirror, masturbate, get blood taken and see the scabbed veins, or see the burn marks on my shoulder and left hand from a pipe burning me, I want to constantly go back and thank this person. :).

Josh I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for coming into my life, and being that voice on the other end of the phone, and computer who brought me to terms with loving myself. Not too sure exactly sure at times what it was that went through my head half the time when we spoke... Most of the time I had enough meth in my system to kill a dinosaur, however somehow you were the one person, each time, I put myself in that state of mind, physically and mentally, I stayed in contact with. Can't even count how many times you sent me a text or called me, saying; "are you alone... can you play with yourself...(as you and I both know more specifically my ass)... amongst many more things in which... I won't even begin to explain, because you know very well what they are. I remember one afternoon sitting down on the laptop talking to you and I was stuck on my ex boyfriend at the time, and he was someone I was in a relationship with, that was pretty much based off of...."I can blow a bigger cloud of meth than you." I remember I was reconnecting with him, and we were hanging out smoking, and doing shots of GHB like the old times. I believe I broke down and cried in front of you while playing old songs that he had given to me on a CD that we had made together at one point, and through it all it made me see how much I was still crazy over the guy. .....and quite honestly I've lost my train of thought on that other than, being able to talk to you about my relationship with him was something that made me realize so much why I did what I was doing, and at the same time I was sitting there in front of you going through an empty baggie scraping it with a straw, or put a rock in the pipe in front of you on skype, and remember saying, "I want to quit, I'm so over this..." And I dont really think you ever said to me.... don't or do. However there has always been something about trusting in you and being able to... have been in that 'fucked up' state of mind, that made me feel safe, and the more we talked the more I started to see how much you seemed to care about me and my health. There was another afternoon I remember asking you...."Hey do you want to watch me shoot up!!!!" and I believe your response wasn't very positive. The amount of times, I had wished I was physically able to be with you even sexually the times I had shot up, was insane. But as time went on, even after our discussion on the phone when I was in the park somewhere masturbating practically because I was so fuckedup... in the off times, no matter how crazy our conversations had ever gotten, I knew it still hurt you ina way to see me do that to myself. "The drugs that is..." :) . Came to one point, can't honestly remember what exactly was my turning point other than, you were the only person other than my best friend Kurt who I had in my life who I couldn't wait to talk to every single day.... when I opened the computer, or checked my phone, I honestly constantly, January 31st, 2012, check my phone, or my computer to see if your online because,,, the biggest thing honestly that hit home for me, was the constant reminder from you that.. I was beautiful, and that wasn't based on appearance it was based on hours of conversations and deep topics....and when I did choose to give up the drug, you said ONE THING TO ME...and that was.... if you ever pick this stuff up ever again, I will never talk to you. From that moment forward inexplicably I made it a point to look myself in the mirror, wash off the nasty smelling sweat from meth leaving my body, and starting eating a lot to gain my strength back and I got clean! Everyone else had been saying it to me, in other ways obviously, and I'm not sure if the whole,'my family is saying it, or my best friends are saying it]' nd im just over hearing it or if it was because... someone outside the situation who really didn't know much about me from the start... but took the time to invest the interest other than just a sexual object interest and made me come to realize I was important. Can remember the first smile on my face when you said to me the following week after I put the pipe down, "happy one week babe" even now finishing this blog I am smiling because, every week after you had continued to say, congrats its been another week. And for the person who hasn't been through an addiction or physically seen someone go through an addiction won't be able to relate to what that meant to me :) and I do want to thank you again from the bottom of my heart for being there..... nearly at every hour almost month after month, week after week, text after text, sitting there listening to every single word I had to say, and never judged me, never pushed me away, and embraced me... for what I was going through, and helped me turn my life around. Much love.


Wednesday, January 4, 2012

beautiful people.

What is our fear of someone with a mental illness, or physical disability, and furthermore are they disabled, or are people just that shallow that, at first glance you see someone who has a difficult time pulling together their thoughts and putting them into words, or you see someone walking behind a walker, whether there 30 or 60 or 6 years old, there a reject?

Over the past 20 years of my life, living in the United States, some of my closest friends have had autism, were born with cerebral palsy, and have a multitude of friends who, from either lack of oxygen at birth or other complications before they came into this world, had a genetic disorder from the start. Now how many of you are sitting here saying, 'Michael, your just being a two-faced shallow bitch, and being nice right now?' You know in response we all have our flaws, even I myself in the past had that habit where I would simply "STARE!" Are you the kind of person who when in a restaurant you scream at a mother who so tenderly loves her son with autism because he won't stop screaming, or in fact there may be someone with tourerettes and you find yourself, incoherently staring and jeering at that person.

Whether someone came into this world with one leg, one lip, half an eyelid, a partial circumcision, dry damaged hair, or a speech impediment, or someone who can't feed themselves or cant do anything without the help of others, were all people, and have emotions, and value and worth. Now if your too ignorant to appreciate people around you, God Bless! But there are people, including myself who still rely on standing in front of the mirror with a blowdryer and a can of hair spray for and hour and a half before I leave the house every day, and every last wrinkle on a shirt has to be pressed out before I'll go in public, and thats sometimes still not enough for me to feel loved and happy. You walk past people every day, who under no control were born differently, I won';t call it a disability, because I have seen many people who fight and work harder to get out of bed every day, who cover up the scars from abuse or cover their heads with a hat, to try and block out the outside world. There are people who wish so very myuch they could get up out of their wheel chair and stand in front of a mirror and pamper themselves, and wish they could go out into the world and grab a drink at a bar, or go down a water slide. So with that said, why is it, including myself are we so selfish, and self-righteous? Is it because nothing ever will satisfy us, simply because, we've seen life from our own eyes, and every one else is just in it, henceforth why we are ignorant? Not sure what compelled me to write this blog today, other than, next time you snicker, or jeer, or mock that person, just remember what bullying you've been through, remember how easy it was for you to get out of bed this morning, and I don't want this to sound like I have sympathy for anyone, thats not my message, the point is merely, dont knock those down around you who you have bo idea what they may have gone through or what they currently are dealing with,

Have a blessed day