Monday, June 27, 2011

"Who Own's My Heart"

I have dedicated this to a friends boyfriend who recently almost lost his life on Friday evening due to meth use, and I have posted this after weeks of planning and wanted to post this in honor of him, and his decision to become sober :)

"Who Own's My Heart" - Video

I was going through my play list this morning, and of course Ms. Miley came on the iTunes list and had to listen to it, and this song came up, and I thought to myself, how can I write something philosophical, personal, and emotional all in one context?  How many of you when you heard this song asked the question, who, or what is she talking about?  

Creation shows me what to do
I'm dancing on the floor with you
And when you touch my hand
I go crazy, yeah

We all are raised a certain way, some are raised in a religious family, with the expectations to do phenomenal well in school regardless of the also expected soccer practice, drama rehearsal, orchestra concert, and the voice lessons every Tuesday and Thursday for our entire elementary year’s of school.  Or perhaps you come from a up bringing of a broken home, where Mom left Dad when you were two, and moved to Seattle and then your separated with Dad, and your now in Central London reading this, and the perfect close nit family example makes no sense to you what so ever.  Ultimately, we all come from different “creations” of our being, so to speak.  We can all piece back to high school our first crush, or our first kiss, what did that feel like?  Did it suck? Hell no it felt amazing; otherwise you wouldn’t have gone back for more, right?  Or do we go back for more because of the euphoria we feel physically, or is it an emotional high we get from our first kiss? 

My first encounter with Meth was, nothing but boring.  If it was, why would I have continued? 

The music tells me what to feel
I like you now
But is this real
By the time we say goodnight
I'll know if this is right

Going back to my very first blog, I'll reiterate briefly, I have for the past 4 years been struggling with a methamphetamine addiction.  Okay fuck this, by now you should have a pretty good idea of my writing to know.. Let me just start off and you'll catch on.

And I feel you (you) coming through my veins.
Am I into you (you) or is it music to blame?

We've all had our days where we sit on adam4adam, at some point of another on the prowl, yes you, in fact your buzzer for new mail probably just went off 3 times as you read this :).  Roughly a year ago, I was in the climax of my "Tina" lifestyle, and I had always heard of people who 'slammed,' and I wanted to know what that felt like.  All the while our parents teach us when were young to not try something bad less we get hooked on the euphoric rush of the act of doing so, or the act of getting to that point.  None the less I still tried it, watch the person I was with at the time un do the clean syringe, pack a huge scoop of Tina in and then draw back some saline solution, and then shake it until it dissolved, then put the tourniquet on my left arm, and then said count to three, and pushed the needle into my arm....  next thing i knew the band popped off, and my head spun, my body shuddered with an incredible sensation that I had never felt in my life...  Before I knew it, I was doing things sexually, that should have been humanly impossible, disrespectful to myself, and even perhaps someone I was dating, but at the time didn’t care. In the final moments of the climaxing high, I began coughing uncontrollably, my breathing stopped, for what felt like an infinite amount of time, and the coughing persisted, as it hit the blood and changed my perception of life to this very day.

 No memory that I was able to recollect at the very moment could even fill the space in which was overwhelmed with so much 'love' and 'music'.  There was no person, or persons that could have been able to offer me such ecstasy.  

Who owns my heart
Is it love or is it art
You know I wanna believe that we're a masterpiece
But sometimes it's hard to tell in the dark
Who owns my heart

For the past 4 years, who was it that owned my heart?  Was it the drugs, or was it me, was I in control, was I deciphering between giving my emotion and physical energy to those who really cared about me, or was it spent, and jolted back up, and drained to then be shot up again with this never ending longing to be in this fog; so hazy and thick that no matter what I did, I didn’t care.  Nothing seemed to matter, my answer to life, if you knew me about 10 months ago, would know it was, “I don’t care.” Or, “I’m over it.”  So easy right, you can get mad at a professor for “fucking:” your semester up or for not giving you the grade you wanted but, ultimately, you fucked yourself.  Debatable yes, but, why did that happen.   Why was my life, in my eyes, such a waste?  Why did I not care?  For months why did I lay in my room in the corner, with a syringe of half dried up blood and meth and poke holes in my arms…and try to shove a little bit in.  A never ending process, and if it worked; “great! I got a little bit; I can get out of bed today…” and some people say, how can you get to that point.  Well, any addict knows, one more sip of beer, oh one more sip it wont hurt anything, I can drive!  Looking back, it has become mind blowing that it was so easy for me to shut out my friends and allow this drug to literally own my heart and mind.  And the term friend is used so loosely now a days, isn’t it, I mean we can meet someone online, or on facebook and the next day, your “friends”.  After shooting up daily, even as little as .10, and friends telling me that they were done with me in their life, Mom and Dad kicked me out, and friends saying, you look like a crack whore, walking into the clubs and hearing my name talked about, days spent online to try and get my next fix, lying to friends about being home, or being somewhere doing something, when in all actuality I was filling up the syringe, or trying to find a vein.  Addiction is something we all face, and I have come to realize is it really about the amount of days your sober, or if you’re a pot head, cigarette smoker, alcoholic, or drug addict, does it matter if you follow the steps, they all come into play, but realizing why you do those things, and understanding that there’s been others who have been though it before, and were willing to help, at any cost, blood, sweat and tears, I encourage everyone to be thankful for those in their lives this evening, as we seldom realize that even those around us, whose lives look absolutely extraordinary on the outside, may be so broken that tomorrow they may not be around, and embrace them and understand life is a precious gift.  

Thursday, June 16, 2011

"Enough is Enough Foundation"

The primary goal of the “Enough is Enough Foundation”, is to mentor and coach "at risk" LGBT youth in the awareness of HIV/AIDS, and other STD’s, and the ongoing battle many gay teens and young adults face with all aspects of addiction.  

give me your feedback.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Your test came back..."positive"... has it set in yet?

You know I came to ask myself, thinking back, almost every moment of every day, I can think back to that day on Janaury 26th 2010 at 12:15pm and 5 seconds into the minute, in my blue and white striped hollister button up, my black reef flip flops, and my abercrombie and fitch straight leg dark wash jeans, and remember, only after a mere matter of minutes of taking the RAPID blood test, seeing the 2 doctors, a counselor sitting down, and the nurse who took my blood all standing there.....  I continue to this day, have that image played through in my head...  Before I could even sit down, I already knew what was up, and they explained everything and said, your test came back..."positive...for HIV"...  my initial response was, "ok" and I sat there, as calm as a doe in a field of beautiful tulips and said whats next... the moments to follow were such a blur, all I remember really, was a bandaid being put on my arm from where they drew blood, and they handed me some paperwork..and I walked out the door, and just looked up at the sky...

for a moment I wanted to drop to my knees and yell, and cry, and just let out all the emotion anyone could ever think of.. but... I couldn't.. I looked up and I closed my eyes, and said, "God... show me the way" and walked over to my friends car...  all I knew of what to do was message,  my boyfriend at the time, and told him, and that didn't go well.. and I texted my very first boyfriend,and my best friend , and they replied, your joking right?  [:/]  the next few hours to follow, were just so vague in my memory, in fact several days after were.....  shortly there after, I was at someone I had been hanging out with for a while smoking meth, and doing caps of GHB... and I remember messaging my boyfriend  me online and I told him I was methed out somewhere, and he flipped out, and he then, called my Mother, and told her I was a meth head with HIV, and I went home the following day or so after, and remember distinctly it was like any other Sunday in the Lloyd household, we all argued and bickered all the way to church, sat in the same row on the left middle section of church in the same seats.. didn't really say too much to each other, and came home, and poured everyone a glass of patron and orange juice.  And my mom said can we go talk for a few, so we grabbed out drinks and walked in, well, I knew she was going to ask, and for a moment, I wanted to just break down right there and cry, but I couldn't bring myself to it.  the next few seconds felt like days... she said,' is it true, do you have.. and looking her in the eyes, her voice cracked, her eyes watered, but had walls built up shaking ready to let looks.. hiv? and I said... yes. and  I didn';t know what to say, nor did she, but, to this day, I get a small tear of joy in my left eye,(as I'm profusely crying writing this)  she and my dad said, "what can we do to help" and each and every day, when I feel lie\\\ im going to let go, and run off the deep end, I know that I can always run to them for help..

what is it about "bad news" that we don't like, what is it about hearing something that makes us run, far away, for me into a cloud of meth, with torches, needles, baggies, drug dealers, sex, what is it?

recently I found out after applying for a new hiv trial study, that my liver enzymes are incredibly high.. to the point where, I no longer qualify for the study, unless I get a good viral load back in the reports, and in her next words, (which, I havenn't shared with many) we will have to resort to the "next option", but ultimately, thats not the next option, were going to fight this.

the reality set in that, if I don't wake up, and accept the fact that I have HIV/HEP C, and I keep treating my liver and body like shit, that, I'm going to die.... and it should scare me to no end, but I feel numb, and is that just my safe zone to not have to think about it, it scares me because if any right minded person heard that, they'd be scared for their life, not, or maybe it just hasn;t set in yet.? anywho I hope it does.. blah.. off to eat a sandwich, my tummy hurts. love you all.

Medina - Addiction

                                                                     Medina "Addiction"

Friday, June 10, 2011


I've always wondered why so many are ecstatic when it comes down to a Friday morning?  I mean, after all, in my humblest of words, it would seem like, sure your "work" week ends however the weekend is time to have a drink and relax, but as for myself for years, (with saying I've really never had to work so I can't relate) the weekend is a time that I reflect on myself, and spend time with family, and just rejuvenate.

  After all, its pretty evident, a majority of us usually go out have a drink at the local bar, drink ourselves to sleep on a Friday night.  In continuum the Saturday routine is usually panned out by the following; a cup of coffee to shield the hangover, some dance music, followed by the occasional facebook post check then a long hot shower, and then we rummage through our underwear drawer looking for something sexy to wear, 'but wait, won't I just be lounging around the house trying to rid this hangover anyway, fuck it, wheres the fresh pair of basket ball shorts?'  Shortly there after you either find yourself throwing a bagel in the toaster, and slapping on a hunk of low fat cream cheese, or the conscious minded health nut who combines, greek yoguart, cashews, and black berries in a bowl and scarfs it down.  Not to mention, adam4adam is going off like crazy upstairs, 'damnt.'  Half the day passes by, and your awaken by your iPhone vibrating on your crotch and Lady GaGa signing, 'Just Dance' and the popcorn you made a mere half hour ago goes flying across the room.  You collect yourself, and see what the hell that person wants, only to find out, your group of friends is meeting at your house to pregame in 30 minutes and then another night at the bar.

Why do we do this to ourselves, why is it the "routine?"  At what point do we say, and I'm going back to the other day's blog, Enough is Enough.  Then again, who am I to say how to live anyone's life, especially in accordance to the additive of alcoholic consumption?  After all I did have the patron bottle in the pool this past weekend at gay days, barely wearing anything but a loin cloth.    I guess this afternoon just think about it, sure getting shitty drunk is a blast, and even better when you can't remember it Sunday evening, third night in.  But remember whats really important. :)


Thursday, June 9, 2011

why do we lie?

Why is it that the average person day to day says a lie?  And what determines one lie over another more severe in its original intent, or for that matter the principle.

I am no saint, on the matter, for the fact that I said a mere lie about going to school, or this job, or having this car, or not having this because of this.  Well, why do I do it? Is it the incompetence, linked back to being adopted from an orphanage and not understanding that original potential instilled in me, and not knowing who my father is, undoubtedly maybe? But chances are probably not.   Is it the human habit of wanting to be accepted by society, and if that means going to the farthest extreme necessary of shedding off a layer of ones integrity to do so, is that worth it?  Must be right?

In conclusion, what lie has more severity over another?  From telling a little white lie to stretch the truth, it still came from the first place right?  I've always been taught, be honest, even if it means sayikng your nothing but a foundation ready to be built on.  Anywho thought id throw the thought out there..  I suppose it all goes back to my post earlier about, "what do we have to lose"

night lovers

family; we may not like them but we LOVE them :)

What does family mean? well I could go into the whole literal sense but of course that would bore you, and me, so I'm not going to pull out a dictionary.  To many of us, as for myself it means two parents who have been together for 23 years, however to some it may have been the same parents together for a couple years, and your Mother remarried, and then you were separated amongst parents and the cycle repeated a couple times there after, or even an ex of mine his parents died when he was very young, and had to fend for himself.

 We each have a family, whether its what we define for ourselves.  Personally I take advantage of family, as many of us probably dont really appreciate a simply phone call, and as silly as it may be, a text message from a loved one saying; 'I love you, see you tomorrow, or can't wait to see you at dinner.' And I was once told by an ex of mine, that we seldolmly appreciate the now, pretty easy to understand right? We all go through our day, and spend time with a brother or sister, or Mother or Father, and just live our day, as if tomorrow will be there, and he always told me, take a moment and pull yourself outside the equation and be appreciative that your family first and foremost chooses to take an hour, 15 mins, or even the 5 thumb presses it takes to send an "ily" text message once a day, because, truth be told not many of us really do think and say, tomorrow that person could be killed in a car crash, and its become quite evident to me, that life is too short to fully absorb.  After all there's enough beauty on this earth to appreciate, and write about and understand and translate into a concept, or an idea based on wisdom, or spirituality and then bring it back to yourself and what it means to you, (if your that kind of thinker) let alone put things into perspective about family.

The title of my blog is;  'Family; We may not like them but we LOVE them" is gathered from arguments our of nowhere that I have with my parents and honestly it doesn't really matter what happens in our day, or how pissed off someone can make us because in the end family is family, and through thick and thin they will always be there for us.  After being kicked out of my parents house, god, at least 6 times in the past year and struggling on a daily basis with a meth addiction that ever time I look at my veins I'm constantly reminded of how wrapped up I allowed it to be, my parents are the ones who, sent me the text message saying, are you coming home, I hope your alright, when I was strung out on meth to the point where, honestly, by God's grace I'm here today writing it, they are the ones who were there for me, and knew when I came home and slept for three days I was coming down.  All in all family is family, and never forget that :)


What the FIRST thing that comes to mind when you see the three letter word?  Is it a visual of the male anatomy, a man and woman together, the female anatomy, or man on man, or woman on woman?  Or if your a romantic is it the unity between two energies, two souls, making one, and sharing that bond between the other, that when experienced, is entirely unachievable by any sexual act amongst the joining of two naked beings.

Been wanting to write about this for the past year and a half, but out of all honesty what would a 19 almost 20 year old have had any common knowledge about S-E-X, or L-O-V-E? Good question.

I look at it this way, from a young age, around 15, for me personally, the attraction to another human being was merely on the basis of erotic pleasure.  However over the years, meeting others, both male and female and talking to them, what is it that brings a man and a woman, woman and a woman, or man and a man together to join energy?  Is it a physical attraction, only desiring an easy goal that each can achieve which would be the selfish desire to "get off," and what determines that?  What attracts you sexually to someone?

  For me, its someone's eyes.  Indeed eyes can draw you in and never release you for eternity, HOWEVER, is that a good thing or bad thing? For myself it was a bad thing in the start because it brought me into the world of methamphetamine drugs and emotional turmoil, and caused a sex addition. Your probably asking, how can someone's eyes bring you so close to the point of no return?  Well first one has to ask, what's the point of no return, and that is when you blink, in my opinion.  Simply because I knew how deeply I wanted to be drawn in, and for that matter was it to be accepted or was it to be selfish and just "blow a load" and I could tell there was a strong energy between the two?  More often than not the two coincided.

Alright, getting back on track, for others of you the simply 'sexual' attraction may be a mans nipples, or the curvature of his back muscles, or a woman's perfect curves, and perfectly sculpted breasts.  And when we combine the two attractions, which I refer to as an energy, the combinations exerts so much power that, we can get lost in that and lose touch on what that really is for us, is that sex, or love?

 I have quite a few friends who refer their relationship with someone else as an open relationship,  more or less this is quite prominent in the homosexual community.  For myself, raised in a Christian household, and watching my parents, who to the day are still together after 23 years; monogamy is what I believe.  So when I hear that your in an open relationship, and that is love to you, its hard to comprehend, and this is the point in the blog where your probably either going to stop reading, because; 'what does a 21 year old know about love, or sex, or relationships?'  Your probably correct, but I believe wisdom, which is acquired over time whether thats from someone in their 80's or a 10 year old little girl, is knowledge obtained through trial and error, or from that of another source that is worth hearing out, because after all, isn't that how you became knowledgeable of your belief on a subject? :).

Back to the open relationship, sorry my mind wanders.  Then again, whats the point about blogging if your mind cant wander, right.  I've known couples in relationships for 10-20 years, and they say, if he can come home to me at the end of the night, and make 'love' to me, then I don't care what he does on the side.  My question is; before you two became a couple, were you both not giving it your "best" to each partner before him, and what determines your best?  What is determined as love making and sex, well I am finally going to give you my explanation.  From experience,  when  your able to land a kiss on someone, and the world seems to crash around you, the walls crumble, the celing fans drop, the clouds drop to your feet, and the stars fall and fly around your heads, and nothing in the world seems to matter, and your able to meet that person, on an intimate level, (which I tried looking up in the dictionary, and thesaurus, but, the definition, was so vague, "close to someone") and wrap your legs around their waist, and squeeze them tight, and get lost in that person, and be able to know them inside and out, yes, INSIDE and out blindfolded and know exactly who they are then in my opinion thats intimacy.  In addition, side note, which I'll explain later on this evening, about 'relationships; are they friendships, or luck of the draw?'  in order for one to achieve that level of passion between onesself and another being you have to be friends with them to truely understand their physical, intellectual and sexual make up to actually distinguish between sex and love.  A strong intellectual bond is quite important in my humble opinion to good sex, because, if you go to suck someones cock, and "they don't enjoy it" and they don't tell you, then its going to be bad sex.  As for me personally, I make it a point sexually to understand my partner before I would bother going down, just saying.  

Going back to the non monogamous couple;  if my boyfriend were to go out and shove his manhood in someones back door ever night, and come home and do the same to me, and tell me he loves me night aftrer night for 20 years; is that love, or is it just "SETTLING" for something that you know your worth achieving, but ultimately, you chose to take what you could get, and you found someone you so desperately love , but, why is it that one may have the desire to run out and show his body to another person.  In my opinion, thats just sex, and thats all it would ever be in a setting like that.  Just saying; I hope none of this was of any condescending manner, as I don't want to upset anyone, and I apologize for rambling just wanted to put out a little thought.

Hope everyones work day was fantastic, drive home safely, and have a good night.


what do you have to lose?

had a weird dream last night, where my job went from a recent stripping job I quit about 3 weeks back, and  an underwear model.  I know, two highly self respecting choices right? Well, in the dream I chose to be a stripper over an underwear model.  and going back to my post from yesterday one could probably come back and comment saying; ' didn't you just finish talking about respecting yourself, and how the hell is being a stripper in compliance with that?'  Yes, and No.

How could I come up with that as a self respecting choice, well, it all comes down to your personal opinion on, 'does anyone else's opinion of me matter, or am I my own person?'  For myself, I've learnt over the months, that at the end of the day, and if its one thing you take from reading this, I hope this be it, because this will carry into every blog I post for eternity; 'If I had to live my life according to societies expectations, Mom and Dad's vision for me, what Jacque or Esmerelda thought of me and my choices, would I be living their life or mine?'  pretty self explanatory.  However if its not, I'll try it again; ' If I wanted to become an underwear model, as what happened in my dream, and instead despite what society views being a stripper as or what my parents would have thought, if its what I wanted to to, they, what do I have to lose in doing what I want to do, right?'

All of this ofcourse does have some reasoning behind it,  if you say, well if I want to live the life of a crackhead for the week, and not take care of myself, is that doing what you want out of spite? or is it actually an honorable award you could tack on your particle board at the end of the day?  Thats an easy give away.  

Going back to my dream, I said, fuck it, I'm going to be a stripper, and honor myself in that profession because quite frankly, if I lived my life according to what you thought of me, or what your opinion of my choice is, then, I'm just a sheep.  And your opinion or direction you tell me to live my life in, is the sheep in front of me who just fell off the cliff that I'm about to join.  Some may call me pretencious, but think about it tonight after dinner, go for a walk, and ask yourself, do I go to work everyday, or put on my tie die shirt because I have to please my neighbor, or are you making choices based on your own beliefs that are going to make you happy.

If there's a job offer you want to take, and your worried about losing friends, or what someone will think of you, then,  why even bother looking for the job?  At the end of the day friends are friends and will be there through thick and thin, even if you move to another continent.  One evening I broke down and cried over how crappy I treat my family. and how ungrateful I am, well, his words were, take the risk,  not taking a risk is taking the risk in that your never going to be happy.

have a fabulous day!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Is enough enough?

alright, I'm sure many of you in the gay community whose major cities just had their pride parades, and circuit parties, or gay days, are asking yourself; "where did this hickey com from, why did I have sex with him,  or maybe the further question which I'm going to get into is, do I deserve better for myself?

as for myself I used to be one who picked up the pipe every few months, and did a puff until the point where shoving a needle in my arm every day was just as acceptable to those of you who smoke a cigarette, except for me it was also 2 packs a day in the addition to going out for several rounds of tequila shots.  and you this went on for MONTHS.  And after being diagnosed with HIV in the early part of last year, the problem increased, and it wasn't until after I was diagnosed with Hepatitis C from using a dirty needle, someone asked me, why the hell is it okay for you to treat yourself like absolute garbage when you have an amazing family who brought you here, friends who would do anything in the world for you if you needed, and still, that wasn't enough for me.

Well, again of course, it went on, until the beginning of this year, and finally I got to a point where I was kicked out of my parents home, to realize, do I love myself, enough to want to take a breath anymore, and the answer was no.  the partying and the crowd of those I associated with who I thought were my friends "didn't care about me, I didn't care about them, and ultimately the lifestyle was tearing me apart." going back to being asked to move out, I finally gained self respect for myself because finally I had to earn it, and work for what I wanted and I was able to respect myself.

In closing what I will leave you with this afternoon, is what does it take to say enough is enough?