How does one say they love someone, what is it, is it merly the selfless act of putting someone else and their needs above that of my own or is it being so selfless that ultimately in the end you’ve put your entire mind heart and soul into it that you find yourself…. 2 months later.. In Miami International Airport over looking an empty tarmac of concrete with luggage awaiting to be loaded on your delayed flight after a trip in which you aren’t sure why you took, but in the beginning sought after to become more aware of yourself after the first time it didn’t work but you had hope.
But hope in what, what is hope? Is it faith in something or believing? But then again you watch the final rays of the sun vanish behind the cold, uncertain clouds in the distance, almost giving you a glimpse but also retiring the days heat and you find yourself daydreaming off into what seems like a hopeful sunset but just vanishes into an empty sky, you bounce back to some sense of awareness, exhausted emotionall, physically, and nothing seems to make sense.
As the plane arrives in you ask yourself what your going to do when you get home or even how much longer is my freaking battery going to die, but seamlessly once again, I don’t even care becausw the only thing I canthin about is what is he doing what is it that he will be doing when I get home, and the shitty part is, I wont even be able to seee him, does he want to see me, why do I want to see him, ugh. I just wish this would all make sense already? But im too distracted by the private jet sized aircraft that’s arrived.. and its almost time to board, I just wish it was easier..
Your reading this and probably saying to yourself why cant this boy just focus, its so difficult so many un sanswered questions but come to think of it most of which I don’t even want answers to because.. in the end… it’ll hurt so much more, but even If I don’t ask, I’ll still be miserable. I was talking to an ex today and he said; you can always be in love with someone but… that may not be the person you spend the rest of your life with… come to think of it, I love him still, but we aren’t the perfect people for each other, and unfortunately I wish that, I could spend more time with Chris or qwhomeveer, but.. Ugh. Im so conflicted…
As I look out over the beautifully lit Florida terrain, I wonder if im even wasting my time in getting my thoughts out. After I heard that he wishes we had more in common, well, what would that make you feel other than the incompetent insecure feeling to then want to ask, what did you like/love about me, and if we had NOTHING in common, what was I to you? It’s a really sore subject because in the end im left with one simple question one im stuck asking almost every single man, are you here trying to be apart of my life because, im an amazing person and I just so happened to have the added bonus of being a beautiful young man with some assets that are pretty enticing, or is it that im just flat out, a useable sex object for your selfish desire, and ultimately no matter how hard it is for me to believe them they add, well you’ve got a good personality too. But what is it about….this questions makes me feel so incompitent, I quite honestly don’t seem to get it. But then again how would someone like myself understand such a complex idea. Yet even that isn’t an accpetble plausible explanation,, merely some biased excuseable reason to allow that person to continue making the same behavior patterns without saying it like it is. “was always a pet peve of mine,….to be told your young, its okay your allowed to act that way.”
Off topic once, again, I suppose were nearly 10-15 mins away from home… I just want to be in my own bed, but then again, I wonder… is it possible to be in love with more than one person…. And want to be with them.. on that…”intellectual, and emotional level, yet… when it comes down to a sexual intimate level I want nothing to do with the idea.. but that would be crazy and you probably want to know.. Michael are you okay..? is anyone ☺ but I look back on all my relationships and why is it that none of them seem to make it past.. the 6 month line or even before, and I look out on the clouds as we coast by the lightning and I make this analogy , is seems as if everytime I become emotionally attached to someone which could merely be because of a hookup, an acquaintance who I choose to go to the movie with or grab a drink… I become emotionally attached to almost every person ive come in touch with in my life, odd but, was speaking to someone who agreed on the ideal as well. It doesn’t seem to make sense but… I can never seem to connect on that intimate level with anyone… is it the fear of becoming emotionally attached on a level in which im still hurt from, when my birth mother put me up for adoption and yet somehow somewhere in between I feel betrayed, and if I let someone in that close, am I fearful of being let go of or having them hurt me and turn their back on me and yet,,,,why would a sexual connection be related back to the betrayal I feel from Romania, back in 1989? No idea.. but I am eager to further indulge in the sector of my psychological makeup.
Nearly 18 miles from Orlando, just wishing I was home, cant wait to see dad again and give him a huge hug. Another area of my life I wish was closer but in time… right? After all who has a perfect relationship with anyone… especially family for that matter, we all have our ups and downs, so with that said why cant I relay how I evaluate that to that of how I see chris or saw chris.
This morning woke up in my own bed, felt so refreshing, and I believe I finally have closure on something that, I probably could’ve done from Atlanta, but all the while I wanted to be here to do it… and no matter how hard ive tried to express it, you can love someone until you go insane, but… can you be with that person forever, absolutely not. Just athought.
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