Sunday, April 8, 2012

Step By Step

Not only a dedication to myself but to my parents;

My parents, Mark and Lori Lloyd, which I say you both all the time, but your the reason I wake up every day and want to start my day that small cup of coffee we have whether its once a week, or even the argument ovcer the damn red ceramic frying pan, we have our little moments I know one day I'll not be able to cherish and have and for that reason I am turning my life around, for us as a family and for me.

"Well, there's a bridge and there's a river
That I still must cross
As I'm going on my journey
Oh I might be lost"

Do we look at the little things in life, for example, someone that I have yet to meet from Facebook, his name is Nick Biesik, and for months, we've spoken but never really had any connection, other than, and he may kill me but we have our flity; oh you look cute today, otherwise, one thing that I thought about today was, he doesn't send the the "good morning michael" text messages at 5 am, now he asks me throughout the day, one thing that struck me, he said was, "I'm spending my time worrying about you while spending time with my family" following shortly there after he also said; "I am not putting this much effort in it to see you throw your fucking life away."

Reason I wanted to post this morning, not only is it the resurection of Jesus, so Happy Easter, but, as a couple of you know I had an incident on the 26th of March I believe, and I had 'pnp' and for those of you who don't know get high and have sex, and for those who have followed me on Adam4adam, or, or Manhunt and a couple other sites, I have listed; Drug Use. My choice has always been dope. I remember starting on a Tuesday evening I had gotten in this ridiculous argument with my ex-best friend, as we had a falling out, I was outraged, drunk, and whats the first thing you do when your drunk, that is for all of the addicts out there, go on to the next level, for some of us that may be weed, others, like myself its shooting up. On Friday morning around 2:15 I called the cops , in utter panic, and distress, hallucinating

"And there's a road I have to follow, a place I have to go
A place I have to go
Well no one has told me just how to get there
But when I get there I'll know cause I'm taking it"

Two days ago, I for some reason, chose to fall back again, had been speaking to someone online, and we had met up for a few drinks at a little bar in Orlando, called Wyldes, apparently, everyone kept buying me drinks, and I was inebriated beyond belief, and for those who are waiting for that first moment where I spill the raunch, some old man gave me a blow job on the patio.

Long story short, woke up, at my friend Kurt Wagner's house, we had no idea how we got there, somehow the bar tending drove us home, as we made complete embarasing spectacles of ourselves. In the midst I had met someone online from a website, and we had mentioned the whole PNP thing, blah whatever, I was walking home like I had been sitting on tree trunks :) On a serious note, I have spoken to so many people and they continue to say what the fuck is wrong with you? Even my brother has looked at me, and said, what the hell are you doing to yourself?

I remember walking up to the house, after lying to my parents, saying, no I was safe, no drugs, no alcohol, no sex, as we are very close in the respect of they've been my biggest supporters through the HIV process and, I kinda teared up walking down the street, with that nasty, and if you've done crystal meth you know the way that smells, its gross. I was walking up the driveway and stopped and looked in the mirror in the car and said, "walk of shame, again? how many times, do you have to let your own parents see your stupidity and not rising to the occasion and taking ownership?

Is that road a road I want my mother or father to drive down, and see an ambulance in the driveway with me in a body bag, or should they , my own parents not get that much respect from me to owe them my life, and that I will grow up to be the man they taught me to be. And after so much long considering I was so difficult on myself for those other people in my life that bought the drinks, who knew the triggers but....

"Step by step, bit by bit
Stone by stone, yeah brick by brick
Step by step, day by day
Mile by mile, go on your way, go your way"

I believe, being awake now since Thursday early morning, on probably 2 grams worth of dope/crystal meth, whatever you want to call the sTuff. I have realized, yeah, people like to bring each other down, in their shortcomings, but all in the same manner, those people like Nick above and a couple others have tremendously distanced themselves from or out of my life due to my lifestyle choices. I remember, thinking back to when I was first diagnosed with HIV, January 26th, at 12:15pm at Hug Me in Orlando; which so many people don't seem to realize how special those dates are to certain people. My parents, Mark and Lori Lloyd, which I say you both all the time, but your the reason I wake up every day and want to start my day so I love you both so much. I knew who my friends were, it wasn't their choice, I didn't have to weed out the, "I'm so sorry for your situation" kind of person, or those who, "Michael we still love you for who you are," but the moment I got out of the shower they had every cleaning chemical in there scrubbing every last grout line. Back to the drugs, as I am quite sidetracked and I need to try and sleep at least 3 hours for Church, however I suppose, those faces who I wake up and see that, "Hi Good morning" or we all have those same people who like the same things on Facebook, and its really special to appreciate those notifications, not only, did someone take the opportunity to open their life to you, but there interested in what's going on in yours, and for so many years, I have neglected close friend's and our friendships were no longer close during my drug prime, and I thank you Jenna Tuck, for the tough love, as did you Mom and Dad, and its embarassing to relapse and continue to go back, but when I come home and, see friends that do care, I'm reminded of my special qualities, and why you and Dad adopted me from Romania, and that was not to throw it away.