Your test came back..."positive"... has it set in yet?

You know I came to ask myself, thinking back, almost every moment of every day, I can think back to that day on Janaury 26th 2010 at 12:15pm and 5 seconds into the minute, in my blue and white striped hollister button up, my black reef flip flops, and my abercrombie and fitch straight leg dark wash jeans, and remember, only after a mere matter of minutes of taking the RAPID blood test, seeing the 2 doctors, a counselor sitting down, and the nurse who took my blood all standing there.....  I continue to this day, have that image played through in my head...  Before I could even sit down, I already knew what was up, and they explained everything and said, your test came back..."positive...for HIV"...  my initial response was, "ok" and I sat there, as calm as a doe in a field of beautiful tulips and said whats next... the moments to follow were such a blur, all I remember really, was a bandaid being put on my arm from where they drew blood, and they handed me some paperwork..and I walked out the door, and just looked up at the sky...

for a moment I wanted to drop to my knees and yell, and cry, and just let out all the emotion anyone could ever think of.. but... I couldn't.. I looked up and I closed my eyes, and said, "God... show me the way" and walked over to my friends car...  all I knew of what to do was message,  my boyfriend at the time, and told him, and that didn't go well.. and I texted my very first boyfriend,and my best friend , and they replied, your joking right?  [:/]  the next few hours to follow, were just so vague in my memory, in fact several days after were.....  shortly there after, I was at someone I had been hanging out with for a while smoking meth, and doing caps of GHB... and I remember messaging my boyfriend  me online and I told him I was methed out somewhere, and he flipped out, and he then, called my Mother, and told her I was a meth head with HIV, and I went home the following day or so after, and remember distinctly it was like any other Sunday in the Lloyd household, we all argued and bickered all the way to church, sat in the same row on the left middle section of church in the same seats.. didn't really say too much to each other, and came home, and poured everyone a glass of patron and orange juice.  And my mom said can we go talk for a few, so we grabbed out drinks and walked in, well, I knew she was going to ask, and for a moment, I wanted to just break down right there and cry, but I couldn't bring myself to it.  the next few seconds felt like days... she said,' is it true, do you have.. and looking her in the eyes, her voice cracked, her eyes watered, but had walls built up shaking ready to let looks.. hiv? and I said... yes. and  I didn';t know what to say, nor did she, but, to this day, I get a small tear of joy in my left eye,(as I'm profusely crying writing this)  she and my dad said, "what can we do to help" and each and every day, when I feel lie\\\ im going to let go, and run off the deep end, I know that I can always run to them for help..

what is it about "bad news" that we don't like, what is it about hearing something that makes us run, far away, for me into a cloud of meth, with torches, needles, baggies, drug dealers, sex, what is it?

recently I found out after applying for a new hiv trial study, that my liver enzymes are incredibly high.. to the point where, I no longer qualify for the study, unless I get a good viral load back in the reports, and in her next words, (which, I havenn't shared with many) we will have to resort to the "next option", but ultimately, thats not the next option, were going to fight this.

the reality set in that, if I don't wake up, and accept the fact that I have HIV/HEP C, and I keep treating my liver and body like shit, that, I'm going to die.... and it should scare me to no end, but I feel numb, and is that just my safe zone to not have to think about it, it scares me because if any right minded person heard that, they'd be scared for their life, but....im not, or maybe it just hasn;t set in yet.? anywho I hope it does.. blah.. off to eat a sandwich, my tummy hurts. love you all.