Blessed

I am beyond overjoyed, and can not thank God any more for being so tremendously blessed.    My parents have always been right, God does have a plan for my life, and I was rescued from that orphanage for a reason and have been a fighter ever since.

As I sit here on the patio and look out over the beautiful lake, all I see is blue sky, and clouds, and take breath after breath, and can't be any more thankful for how happy I am.  But not only because of news from the doctor, but because, for the past couple years I have been going through a spiritual battle with God, and I wasn't really sure where I stood, or where I fit in so to speak with the whole, being gay, and being a Christian thing, or if I should be ashamed, but as I sit here and type, tears of happiness come down my cheek and I have goosebumps, and I believe this is a sign that God does answer prayer, and is that little sign I was praying for over the years of trouble and heart ache.  Can't be happier.  I will defeat this and be the best I can be and be healthier every day.

                                                        Phone call from the doctor;

Michael? 'Yes', Hi, this is Dr. De Jesus, I wanted to let you know that we are going to put you on a study trial for Hepatitis C, and I am confident that we will cure this disease, and that you will be healthier.  I am also going to have to change your HIV medications due to the interactions, and protocol for the study trial program.  Your current medications are Complera which is the three in one, once a day,  I want to change that to Truvada, and Isentress which is once in the morning and once at night.  "What side effects will I have?" 'I assure you, considering your numbers are great and you are undetectable that you will see no side effects what so ever, and I am very confident in this decision.  Are you interested?  I said. ABSOLUTELY, LETS DO THIS!"



Call me crazy, or silly, for posting so much, but I can't thank God enough and my parents and friends for being so supportive in helping me get to this point.  Living healthy should be a priority in everyones life. Not only for those who have HIV but those who don't, stay active, and exercise and above all give your body the fuel it needs.  TRUST ME, I am living proof.  If you want to become well, and get healthy, your the one whose going to wake up and make that decision, nobody else!


and for those of you who have been following it would mean the world to me if you support me in the AIDS WALK on May 19th.  Not for me, but for others!!

Walker: Michael Lloyd

https://secure.kgihost.net/aidswalkorlando.org/donate.php?user_id=2181

When you Believe"

                                      Many nights we pray no proof anyone could hear
                                                   And our hearts a hopeful song
                                               We barely understand

    Dear HIV,                                                                                              January 26th 12:16pm

          As I sit here waiting, I keep rolling up my sleeves of my blue and white striped Hollister shirt,

that for some reason isn't cooperating. This belt is way too tight, Ugh, all I really want to do is go back

' and cuddle with him, and I know he's sitting in the car sick to his stomach for my results to come back

 for this stupid test. Was it something I even wanted to do? "ugh this is so weird, who are all these

 people and why are they sick and coughing, bandaids, this place is freaking me out, cant the hurry up

with the damn, "Michael you can come on back now", the young black woman said as she opened the

door with the ever so comforting smile on her face. If you've read the other blogs I've written, the first

one did go over, the rest of the story on how I found out the diagnosis of my HIV status. That little

voice in my head that I felt about HIV, when I was diagnosed, that scared, I'm lonely feeling is no

longer gone." I will say HIV, you have made me one strong person, and during the course of the past

two years those moments of weakness that brought about my addiction to meth, and the battle that I

face each and every- day.

                                                           Now we are not afraid
                                                Although we know there?s much to fear
                                     We were moving mountains long Before we know we could
                                       Oh yes, there can be miracles When you believe
                                         Though hope is frail It?s hard to kill

 Dear Friends && Family,                                                                                                   May 4, 2012

 I wouldn't take any of it back, but I wish I was more educated back then, and that brings me to ,my

next point, HIV YOU NO LONGER AS OF TODAY WILL HAVE CONTROL OF MY LIFE, I

have overcome this, and am now undetectable and have been on medication for 4 months now. I will

no longer be binded by a over powering, demon in my life, as wake up every day, I look forward to

taking that one pill, because I feel better each and every day! and for so many people they aren't as

 blessed. After years of prayer, blood, sweat and tears, I am finally happy with the person I have

become, and the person I want to be! I praise God, and those around me who have encouraged me

every single day to take care of myself even when I didn't care because I finally get it, I can be happy,

and HIV is NOT going to knock me down!  I am proud to announce I am starting personal training

certification through AFAA that I will be tested on at the end of June, and will be taking one class this

summer at Valencia, in addition to looking for a part time job on the side. All you have to do is believe,

 and trust in yourself and  know there is a better tomorrow. With that said I would like to announce to

all of you I am walking in   the AIDS WALK in Orlando, on Saturday, May 19, at Lake Eola in

Downtown Orlando. I am overjoyed to be walking side by side with the team Mamma Dee Crusaders,

my dear mentor Rob Domenico's mother's team, Dee Richter, and I have entered as an individual

walker. Within the last 24 hours, thanks to those of you who have generously supported me have put

me over my $100 mark to be eligible to walk. I am overly blessed And would mean the world to me if

you can, even if only a dollar, can donate money to my individual walker fund and help those like

MYSELF be happy, and happiness does come from within, but so many people are suffering and

struggling under binds and need support from the community! Say no to ignorance! For those of you

who did support me during my birthday fundraiser, I raised over $240 for Hope & Help in Central

Florida, and I thank Rob Domenico for his contributions to our community and the HIV community in Orlando Florida and has daily inspired me to be the best I can be.

             If you would like to support me in this very honorable cause the link below will direct you to a secure   website to donate, and select individual walker and select my name :)


 https://secure.kgihost.net/aidswalkorlando.org/donate.php?user_id=2181

 I love you all so vert much, and God Bless, and to those living with HIV, you can win, and we will

come together as one and stop the spread of HIV and help our friends get on track.

 Michael Lloyd <3

Step By Step

Not only a dedication to myself but to my parents;

My parents, Mark and Lori Lloyd, which I say you both all the time, but your the reason I wake up every day and want to start my day that small cup of coffee we have whether its once a week, or even the argument ovcer the damn red ceramic frying pan, we have our little moments I know one day I'll not be able to cherish and have and for that reason I am turning my life around, for us as a family and for me.

"Well, there's a bridge and there's a river
That I still must cross
As I'm going on my journey
Oh I might be lost"


Do we look at the little things in life, for example, someone that I have yet to meet from Facebook, his name is Nick Biesik, and for months, we've spoken but never really had any connection, other than, and he may kill me but we have our flity; oh you look cute today, otherwise, one thing that I thought about today was, he doesn't send the the "good morning michael" text messages at 5 am, now he asks me throughout the day, one thing that struck me, he said was, "I'm spending my time worrying about you while spending time with my family" following shortly there after he also said; "I am not putting this much effort in it to see you throw your fucking life away."


Reason I wanted to post this morning, not only is it the resurection of Jesus, so Happy Easter, but, as a couple of you know I had an incident on the 26th of March I believe, and I had 'pnp' and for those of you who don't know get high and have sex, and for those who have followed me on Adam4adam, or Barebackrt.com, or Manhunt and a couple other sites, I have listed; Drug Use. My choice has always been dope. I remember starting on a Tuesday evening I had gotten in this ridiculous argument with my ex-best friend, as we had a falling out, I was outraged, drunk, and whats the first thing you do when your drunk, that is for all of the addicts out there, go on to the next level, for some of us that may be weed, others, like myself its shooting up. On Friday morning around 2:15 I called the cops , in utter panic, and distress, hallucinating



"And there's a road I have to follow, a place I have to go
A place I have to go
Well no one has told me just how to get there
But when I get there I'll know cause I'm taking it"


Two days ago, I for some reason, chose to fall back again, had been speaking to someone online, and we had met up for a few drinks at a little bar in Orlando, called Wyldes, apparently, everyone kept buying me drinks, and I was inebriated beyond belief, and for those who are waiting for that first moment where I spill the raunch, some old man gave me a blow job on the patio.

Long story short, woke up, at my friend Kurt Wagner's house, we had no idea how we got there, somehow the bar tending drove us home, as we made complete embarasing spectacles of ourselves. In the midst I had met someone online from a website, and we had mentioned the whole PNP thing, blah whatever, I was walking home like I had been sitting on tree trunks :) On a serious note, I have spoken to so many people and they continue to say what the fuck is wrong with you? Even my brother has looked at me, and said, what the hell are you doing to yourself?

I remember walking up to the house, after lying to my parents, saying, no I was safe, no drugs, no alcohol, no sex, as we are very close in the respect of they've been my biggest supporters through the HIV process and, I kinda teared up walking down the street, with that nasty, and if you've done crystal meth you know the way that smells, its gross. I was walking up the driveway and stopped and looked in the mirror in the car and said, "walk of shame, again? how many times, do you have to let your own parents see your stupidity and not rising to the occasion and taking ownership?


Is that road a road I want my mother or father to drive down, and see an ambulance in the driveway with me in a body bag, or should they , my own parents not get that much respect from me to owe them my life, and that I will grow up to be the man they taught me to be. And after so much long considering I was so difficult on myself for those other people in my life that bought the drinks, who knew the triggers but....


"Step by step, bit by bit
Stone by stone, yeah brick by brick
Step by step, day by day
Mile by mile, go on your way, go your way"


I believe, being awake now since Thursday early morning, on probably 2 grams worth of dope/crystal meth, whatever you want to call the sTuff. I have realized, yeah, people like to bring each other down, in their shortcomings, but all in the same manner, those people like Nick above and a couple others have tremendously distanced themselves from or out of my life due to my lifestyle choices. I remember, thinking back to when I was first diagnosed with HIV, January 26th, at 12:15pm at Hug Me in Orlando; which so many people don't seem to realize how special those dates are to certain people. My parents, Mark and Lori Lloyd, which I say you both all the time, but your the reason I wake up every day and want to start my day so I love you both so much. I knew who my friends were, it wasn't their choice, I didn't have to weed out the, "I'm so sorry for your situation" kind of person, or those who, "Michael we still love you for who you are," but the moment I got out of the shower they had every cleaning chemical in there scrubbing every last grout line. Back to the drugs, as I am quite sidetracked and I need to try and sleep at least 3 hours for Church, however I suppose, those faces who I wake up and see that, "Hi Good morning" or we all have those same people who like the same things on Facebook, and its really special to appreciate those notifications, not only, did someone take the opportunity to open their life to you, but there interested in what's going on in yours, and for so many years, I have neglected close friend's and our friendships were no longer close during my drug prime, and I thank you Jenna Tuck, for the tough love, as did you Mom and Dad, and its embarassing to relapse and continue to go back, but when I come home and, see friends that do care, I'm reminded of my special qualities, and why you and Dad adopted me from Romania, and that was not to throw it away.

Bullying in the gay community.

As my post yesterday spoke on the issue of Derek Ward.

"Derek Ward, your poor character for other gay people in the community especially those who have done meth, just as you yourself have, your business is none of mine, and my past drug use, has no resemblance of my character today and the person I've become. Your bitterness and nastiness is a wonderful example to all of us in the gay community. Thank you for once again, 3 years later, sweeping me off my feet with your charming personality. ♥"

A close friend emailed me the information about Derek's Facebook status post on Sunday evening, harrassing me through, bringing up past issues involving my methamphetime drug use, and sexual behavior, and lifestyle choices. Until today I hadn't read any of it, but I'm not too sure about the rest of the gay community, but as we are looking for acceptance, and freedom , its sometimes disheartening to hear when someone in your own community brings it upon themselves to lower the moral of another person.

For myself the topic of HIV, and drug use is a touchy subject, although, yes as in the post said, I am working towards HIV prevention, and yes I have also slammed a gram of meth into my vein before. However I believe the reason I am looking to help those in the community, are for this exact reason, because people need inspiration and motivation to realize there is another path in life and they can be happy, and if they are struggling with a drug problem, I hope my story can be inspiring to others.

It saddens me greatly that in Orlando, where meth is a big issue in the gay community there is someone, attacking people, and bringing together their followers, friends, and family, to bash an individual based on choices they have made in their past. Everything in his posts is accurate information, other than the mere problem that I have come to terms with my issues, and every day is a battle to not pick up the pipe or syringe again. And I thank all my friends and supports who have been there for me, for believing in me. There is so much controvery about marriage equality, but how about bullying within the gay community? I believe this is an issue thats overlooked immensly.


Michael Lloyd
February 7, 2012

real talk - politics.

were too worried about offering someone something theyve already been given the fair opportunity for. the jobs are available, the corporations provide the jobs that you leave from to march on washington to protest against. saw several times in this post about offering the homeless jobs. I myself a former drug addict, who also now presently has HIV, due to habits in the lesser unfortunate lifestyle very well understand, some people dont DESERVE the opportunity. theres jobs everywhere, if your too lazy, or too incapable of bringing yourself to terms with who you are and what you want thats nobodies responsibility to take care of you or look after those other people. nobody should pay for anyones anything. people work damn near hard to get where they are, yeah some got it on a silver platter but... the race card, or the sexuality card, or the social class/economic status card isn't even worth your time, go get a job, were all being torn as a nation to hate each other over human rights issues and the inability to get off our asses... and were too distracted and taken away from the simple common ideals of principals that have lasted for decades, the reasons they no longer due is the economy is now burdened by those people who feel like their entitled something extra, because of the color of their skin, who they choose to have sex with, or health conditions. Yes as a gay male who has HIV, it is extremely admirable of such organizations such as the Ryan White fund and ADAP for assistance for those who dont have insurance, but... come one people use your heads and stop playing the poor me or the.... I WANT a free piece of the pie when..everyone has an equal chance. we fought racism and predjucies within the african american and white community back with martin luther king jr, did we not? do we still need to separate our country based on race, even in politics?

Josh

Been working on this for months, just needed to figure out the best way to put it together, however for my personally this has been one of the most eye opening people in my life and through the drug addiction. every time I look in the mirror, masturbate, get blood taken and see the scabbed veins, or see the burn marks on my shoulder and left hand from a pipe burning me, I want to constantly go back and thank this person. :).

Josh I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for coming into my life, and being that voice on the other end of the phone, and computer who brought me to terms with loving myself. Not too sure exactly sure at times what it was that went through my head half the time when we spoke... Most of the time I had enough meth in my system to kill a dinosaur, however somehow you were the one person, each time, I put myself in that state of mind, physically and mentally, I stayed in contact with. Can't even count how many times you sent me a text or called me, saying; "are you alone... can you play with yourself...(as you and I both know more specifically my ass)... amongst many more things in which... I won't even begin to explain, because you know very well what they are. I remember one afternoon sitting down on the laptop talking to you and I was stuck on my ex boyfriend at the time, and he was someone I was in a relationship with, that was pretty much based off of...."I can blow a bigger cloud of meth than you." I remember I was reconnecting with him, and we were hanging out smoking, and doing shots of GHB like the old times. I believe I broke down and cried in front of you while playing old songs that he had given to me on a CD that we had made together at one point, and through it all it made me see how much I was still crazy over the guy. .....and quite honestly I've lost my train of thought on that other than, being able to talk to you about my relationship with him was something that made me realize so much why I did what I was doing, and at the same time I was sitting there in front of you going through an empty baggie scraping it with a straw, or put a rock in the pipe in front of you on skype, and remember saying, "I want to quit, I'm so over this..." And I dont really think you ever said to me.... don't or do. However there has always been something about trusting in you and being able to... have been in that 'fucked up' state of mind, that made me feel safe, and the more we talked the more I started to see how much you seemed to care about me and my health. There was another afternoon I remember asking you...."Hey do you want to watch me shoot up!!!!" and I believe your response wasn't very positive. The amount of times, I had wished I was physically able to be with you even sexually the times I had shot up, was insane. But as time went on, even after our discussion on the phone when I was in the park somewhere masturbating practically because I was so fuckedup... in the off times, no matter how crazy our conversations had ever gotten, I knew it still hurt you ina way to see me do that to myself. "The drugs that is..." :) . Came to one point, can't honestly remember what exactly was my turning point other than, you were the only person other than my best friend Kurt who I had in my life who I couldn't wait to talk to every single day.... when I opened the computer, or checked my phone, I honestly constantly, even...today January 31st, 2012, check my phone, or my computer to see if your online because,,, the biggest thing honestly that hit home for me, was the constant reminder from you that.. I was beautiful, and that wasn't based on appearance it was based on hours of conversations and deep topics....and when I did choose to give up the drug, you said ONE THING TO ME...and that was.... if you ever pick this stuff up ever again, I will never talk to you. From that moment forward inexplicably I made it a point to look myself in the mirror, wash off the nasty smelling sweat from meth leaving my body, and starting eating a lot to gain my strength back and I got clean! Everyone else had been saying it to me, in other ways obviously, and I'm not sure if the whole,'my family is saying it, or my best friends are saying it]' nd im just over hearing it or if it was because... someone outside the situation who really didn't know much about me from the start... but took the time to invest the interest other than just a sexual object interest and made me come to realize I was important. Can remember the first smile on my face when you said to me the following week after I put the pipe down, "happy one week babe" even now finishing this blog I am smiling because, every week after you had continued to say, congrats its been another week. And for the person who hasn't been through an addiction or physically seen someone go through an addiction won't be able to relate to what that meant to me :) and I do want to thank you again from the bottom of my heart for being there..... nearly at every hour almost month after month, week after week, text after text, sitting there listening to every single word I had to say, and never judged me, never pushed me away, and embraced me... for what I was going through, and helped me turn my life around. Much love.

Michael

beautiful people.

What is our fear of someone with a mental illness, or physical disability, and furthermore are they disabled, or are people just that shallow that, at first glance you see someone who has a difficult time pulling together their thoughts and putting them into words, or you see someone walking behind a walker, whether there 30 or 60 or 6 years old, there a reject?

Over the past 20 years of my life, living in the United States, some of my closest friends have had autism, were born with cerebral palsy, and have a multitude of friends who, from either lack of oxygen at birth or other complications before they came into this world, had a genetic disorder from the start. Now how many of you are sitting here saying, 'Michael, your just being a two-faced shallow bitch, and being nice right now?' You know in response we all have our flaws, even I myself in the past had that habit where I would simply "STARE!" Are you the kind of person who when in a restaurant you scream at a mother who so tenderly loves her son with autism because he won't stop screaming, or in fact there may be someone with tourerettes and you find yourself, incoherently staring and jeering at that person.


Whether someone came into this world with one leg, one lip, half an eyelid, a partial circumcision, dry damaged hair, or a speech impediment, or someone who can't feed themselves or cant do anything without the help of others, were all people, and have emotions, and value and worth. Now if your too ignorant to appreciate people around you, God Bless! But there are people, including myself who still rely on standing in front of the mirror with a blowdryer and a can of hair spray for and hour and a half before I leave the house every day, and every last wrinkle on a shirt has to be pressed out before I'll go in public, and thats sometimes still not enough for me to feel loved and happy. You walk past people every day, who under no control were born differently, I won';t call it a disability, because I have seen many people who fight and work harder to get out of bed every day, who cover up the scars from abuse or cover their heads with a hat, to try and block out the outside world. There are people who wish so very myuch they could get up out of their wheel chair and stand in front of a mirror and pamper themselves, and wish they could go out into the world and grab a drink at a bar, or go down a water slide. So with that said, why is it, including myself are we so selfish, and self-righteous? Is it because nothing ever will satisfy us, simply because, we've seen life from our own eyes, and every one else is just in it, henceforth why we are ignorant? Not sure what compelled me to write this blog today, other than, next time you snicker, or jeer, or mock that person, just remember what bullying you've been through, remember how easy it was for you to get out of bed this morning, and I don't want this to sound like I have sympathy for anyone, thats not my message, the point is merely, dont knock those down around you who you have bo idea what they may have gone through or what they currently are dealing with,

Have a blessed day