Josh

Been working on this for months, just needed to figure out the best way to put it together, however for my personally this has been one of the most eye opening people in my life and through the drug addiction. every time I look in the mirror, masturbate, get blood taken and see the scabbed veins, or see the burn marks on my shoulder and left hand from a pipe burning me, I want to constantly go back and thank this person. :).

Josh I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for coming into my life, and being that voice on the other end of the phone, and computer who brought me to terms with loving myself. Not too sure exactly sure at times what it was that went through my head half the time when we spoke... Most of the time I had enough meth in my system to kill a dinosaur, however somehow you were the one person, each time, I put myself in that state of mind, physically and mentally, I stayed in contact with. Can't even count how many times you sent me a text or called me, saying; "are you alone... can you play with yourself...(as you and I both know more specifically my ass)... amongst many more things in which... I won't even begin to explain, because you know very well what they are. I remember one afternoon sitting down on the laptop talking to you and I was stuck on my ex boyfriend at the time, and he was someone I was in a relationship with, that was pretty much based off of...."I can blow a bigger cloud of meth than you." I remember I was reconnecting with him, and we were hanging out smoking, and doing shots of GHB like the old times. I believe I broke down and cried in front of you while playing old songs that he had given to me on a CD that we had made together at one point, and through it all it made me see how much I was still crazy over the guy. .....and quite honestly I've lost my train of thought on that other than, being able to talk to you about my relationship with him was something that made me realize so much why I did what I was doing, and at the same time I was sitting there in front of you going through an empty baggie scraping it with a straw, or put a rock in the pipe in front of you on skype, and remember saying, "I want to quit, I'm so over this..." And I dont really think you ever said to me.... don't or do. However there has always been something about trusting in you and being able to... have been in that 'fucked up' state of mind, that made me feel safe, and the more we talked the more I started to see how much you seemed to care about me and my health. There was another afternoon I remember asking you...."Hey do you want to watch me shoot up!!!!" and I believe your response wasn't very positive. The amount of times, I had wished I was physically able to be with you even sexually the times I had shot up, was insane. But as time went on, even after our discussion on the phone when I was in the park somewhere masturbating practically because I was so fuckedup... in the off times, no matter how crazy our conversations had ever gotten, I knew it still hurt you ina way to see me do that to myself. "The drugs that is..." :) . Came to one point, can't honestly remember what exactly was my turning point other than, you were the only person other than my best friend Kurt who I had in my life who I couldn't wait to talk to every single day.... when I opened the computer, or checked my phone, I honestly constantly, even...today January 31st, 2012, check my phone, or my computer to see if your online because,,, the biggest thing honestly that hit home for me, was the constant reminder from you that.. I was beautiful, and that wasn't based on appearance it was based on hours of conversations and deep topics....and when I did choose to give up the drug, you said ONE THING TO ME...and that was.... if you ever pick this stuff up ever again, I will never talk to you. From that moment forward inexplicably I made it a point to look myself in the mirror, wash off the nasty smelling sweat from meth leaving my body, and starting eating a lot to gain my strength back and I got clean! Everyone else had been saying it to me, in other ways obviously, and I'm not sure if the whole,'my family is saying it, or my best friends are saying it]' nd im just over hearing it or if it was because... someone outside the situation who really didn't know much about me from the start... but took the time to invest the interest other than just a sexual object interest and made me come to realize I was important. Can remember the first smile on my face when you said to me the following week after I put the pipe down, "happy one week babe" even now finishing this blog I am smiling because, every week after you had continued to say, congrats its been another week. And for the person who hasn't been through an addiction or physically seen someone go through an addiction won't be able to relate to what that meant to me :) and I do want to thank you again from the bottom of my heart for being there..... nearly at every hour almost month after month, week after week, text after text, sitting there listening to every single word I had to say, and never judged me, never pushed me away, and embraced me... for what I was going through, and helped me turn my life around. Much love.

Michael