"Test of Character - Challenge of Faith"

           Been doing tons of research lately.  Back in 2008, I dated someone around the time that I was doing construction work.  Which for those of you who didn't know, I did seal-coating for commercial parking lots - mainly consisting of manually moving concrete parking stops, spraying the protective seal and then striping the new lines in place, followed by manually hammering the metal iron stakes into the ground to secure the parking stops.   I'm sure your sitting this morning wondering how this has anything to do with dangerous dog breeds.

      My partner at the time, which for those who are curious the of the genealogy of events in my life in 2008 - I graduated from Timber Creek High School end of May, early June.   That fall, through my best friend I met this amazing sweet guy.  His family was from New Jersey.  At the time his father owned his own construction company, Universal Sealcoating and Concrete.  Over time, I moved in with him and lived at his parents house. One morning I said to his father, " Can I come out some day and check out the job?" He said HELL, I doubt you could handle it, but sure be up at 5.

   That next morning, I can recall waking up at the crack of dawn.  Every morning he would be sitting at the kitchen table smoking a cigarette and his wife, who came to be a second Mom to me was making, as always the most amazing breakfast.  I'll never forget the first job I went on was just off Lee Road, near I-4 in Winter Park.  The location was fairly nice, the apartment complex in fact was on a beautiful lake, and the overall tenants were nice people.  I remember getting out of the truck that morning, Chris and I had a cigarette.  His father lit one up while I helped them unload the gear.  Which for those who are unsure of the 'gear' of construction - the basics, cones, buckets, moving dollies.  Once we finished unloading the trailer, the sun was beginning to peak over the lake and shine through the parking lot.   One thing to remember just like in any, fixer upper job you do, is clean your work space.

  This particular location was surrounded by pine trees.  None the less like many of you know, they are a pain in the bum.  Growing up, the first home I lived in was off Valencia College Lane and Goldenrod.  When we first moved in there was numerous pines in the rear of the rather large yard we had.  Go figure, they got EVERYWHERE.  When we moved at the end of 99' we vowed to never have a yard with pines again.  So, go figure this parking lot on the first day of my construction job was covered in those beautiful little pine needles.  After sweeping off the surface, asking tenants to move their vehicles, Chris and I would, by hand - either with a dolly or with our bear hands, pick up the concrete parking stops and move them off onto the grass.   Following that, once the rig was all fired up - for those of you who aren't entirely sure what that means, its simply a giant, almost kettle/pot like tank with the asphalt that heats to a certain temperature.

  That first day, we watched Chris' father start spraying down the coating across the parking lot.  It allowed nearly a whole afternoon to dry.  Once this dried we brought back the parking stops and hammered them into place.  These weren't any simple stakes.  When you build a home, or have ever drove past a commercial construction site, you'll notice the very first thing they do is drive down rod iron steaks into the cement to hold the bricks in place for the exterior wall.  By the end of the day, let me tell you - I was over it.   Fast forward several months, it was extremely cold.  Some mornings waking up, it was at least in the upper 30s.  Growing up, I loved the cold - not only because of the nicer clothing selections but for the mere factor that you can always bundle up, but in the heat you can only go so far before your bare naked to cool off.    Towards the end of my time working for him, I began to get sluggish, I had made mistakes, and his father yelled at me and really beat me into the dirt.  I've held on to a lot of resentment because, that was really my first actual job - manual labor, other than lawn mowing of course...and stocking shelves at high end fashion boutiques.

Looking back, that whole issue with being told what to do - which not many of us like in general, really effected me.   Sometimes I like to play the victim role and think I have it worse than someone else.  Yet just as much, equally we all in our own way perceive things at different levels.  We mature at different rates, etc.  While I may hold a good face, smile, and say life is all dandy and full of sunflowers...its not.

    That next year, 2009 in June - I began to begin my downward promiscuous lifestyle, and started using crystal meth more often.  People always ask...why did you do it - you had the perfect upbringing, you were adopted from a country ruled in communism, you got everything you ever wanted.  My brother and I were always fortunate enough to attend Christian or Private education institutions.   Where did the missing link fall?  Does it matter?  Perhaps the issue that I've always held on to in my back pocket was the resentment towards my birth mother, who gave me up adoption.  Don't get me wrong, Mom & Dad today are my parents.  However theres always been that feeling of, "I'm not good enough,"  While in construction, I slightly experienced a reminiscence of that again.  Someone who never had experience doing something, I lacked in areas that others excelled in.

Coming back to this whole 'Test of Character - Challenge of Faith' topic.  All of the things that have happened in my life, until this point have very much been a challenge against my faith, yet also a decision to trust, and have faith that these negative things weren't meant to happen, but only to make me grow and build character.  Through the whole HIV, Hepatitis C and drug life...so many things happened, obviously self inflicted.  On the other side, now 10 and a half months sober....I can't help but say to myself that character is built through allowing God to work in your life and guide you to the place he wants you to be in, these choices we make as a result of trusting in Him mold us into who we are...

Defense of Marriage Act - Unconstitutional

In accordance to today's decision from our Supreme Court.  I went to God in prayer; while flipping on FOX news...initial reaction was to convey a negative attitude. 

 However, in Romans 13 we are reminded to submit yourselves to the authorities that God has placed in power.  Vs 5 "Therefore, it is necessary to submit to authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also because of conscience."  Later in the passage I was reminded to give respect to those whom deserve respect.   Romans 12:14 "Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse."  This stands out to me because one can't ignore the parallel between not holding grudges...

While we fight in this journey; mind you that God has already won.  We find ourselves in dispair and our hearts may ache for those who don't know him...but I myself even, in Romans 2:1 "You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things."  

We are CONSTANTLY reminded; consciously or not, that judgement is within itself a wretched sin.  I find myself praying asking God for strength to...in despite my bitterness bless those who do not know as I, in my imperfections can not judge another for their choices.  While Peter and John were being persecuted amongst the Sadducees while spreading the GOOD NEWS after Jesus rose from the dead.  They said in Acts 4:19 ""Judge for yourselves whether it is right in Gods sight to obey you rather than God."  

If that doesn't hit home, not entirely sure what else will.  Can you imagine standing in front of authority, challenging the law with what the Holy Spirit has filled your heart with?  This gives me chills !!!  Constantly, I am asked how through the years after "proclaiming" my same-sex attraction and the obstacles I have faced (diagnosed with HIV in January of 2010 and merely a few months later in October after immersing myself in what seemed like an endless bag of syringes, the diagnosis of Hepatitis C, how I can still praise God.  How can I still thank God?  

During the last seven months,  with the free will, that the Lord has given me, I chose to turn to God, and thank him for sending his Son.  There are so many things...that we question in Him.  Perhaps we are ungrateful for the job we have...or for others it may be for the job you don't have.  In my case, its always been wondering what my life would've been like if I wasn't adopted...or I question what my life would've been like if I didn't have HIV and I was heterosexual.   My therapist left me with this scripture found in Matthew 6:33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  One we decide to embrace what we have...and seek God...we are able to understand why the things around us occur.  

Perhaps...this may be the ending point because the Lord has shown me...in this time of grieving and conviction, that there is hope for the weary and that this was in His plan so we can minister the Gospel to others.  

I leave you with this question.... in Matthew 6:33, we are reminded of the constant questions we ask ourselves of what we don't have, or we wonder what life would be like instead...perhaps the real question may be... "What does a life through Christ feel like?"

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRIAN

Everyone has this weird speculation, or ideal on what a friend really is.  You know, I believe we take advantage of our friends so often, and not even in a monetary sense, but just the fact that, many of us sit around in a room, or at a part, and we are all on twitter, facebook, grindr, or WHATEVER your choice is... and the people around us spend time to be with us.  I can remember back specifically to a trip, Brian and I took with our friend Bill, who recently passed away to St. Augustine.  Below is the photo I have from the two of us.  Brian has been one of my best, most supportive friends; whether you believe it or not, YOU ARE :)

Thank you, for being everyone, and more than any friend could ask for.  The past couple weeks have been difficult, although I am super proud of you for making a 360 from where you were back when we first met. Your doing awesome.  Keep it up, and have a very 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

the missing link - giving thanks.

      WORLD AIDS DAY.. has always been a day to remember those whose lives were lost to HIV/or AIDS, which distinguishably seems to be a error in society recognizing.  Other than a few simple numbers that define the two their is a difference.  However the only way I believe we can finish this puzzle that everyone seems to be reposting the imagery for is, by thanking, every single one of the people who have helped us along the way.

      Were so quick so quick to sit here and complain, including myself about the things that are so small, compared to the big picture.  Yes, our medication has a 48 hour half life, which means we can go a day at the most with missing a whole dose, and it won't really hurt anything... But what are we forgetting, is this whole FIGHT, really a fight, or is about wanting something that we already have...

    There has been so many people who have died for me to be here today.  Hundreds have gone through research programs, to ensure that you whoever you are, out there reading this in a small city in Boise, can wake up tomorrow and have your TRUVADA, or Complera - Lets be honest, how many of us actually... think, WOW - they did that for me, for us, for our family, friends, children, parents.  I don't think even sitting here, looking in my drawer of medication I've really care enough to be grateful.

      You know theres that saying we all use ' Family is everything...' but, when it comes down to it, like any family, whether your together for 50 years, or a short few weeks,  we take it for granted.   When you tell someone your HIV status, or HEP status, or STD status, I sit here with chills, because for generations we've been so scared, 'What will they think?, Will he judge me, Will she want to sleep with me?'  And for YEARS... both in the homosexual community and the heterosexual community been assaulted, been slandered, been ridiculed for our status, or sexual preference, or even broad spectrum skin color... but thankfully, just as I experience the other day, and it lights up my face with the biggest smile, you tell someone, 'Hey, how do you feel about my status.." and they say; What about it? And what gets better and whoever ever you are reading this, has experienced that feeling when someone says, I embrace you are, and I want you to stay around a long time.  That feeling, is....immeasurably, BEAUTIFUL.. and I feel like when someone, anyone, embraces your HIV status, to me, I just feel the love of God, and cant...even begin to thank him for my blessings...

     We are fighting each and everyday, but, what are we fighting for anyway... This whole thing to draw people together and force our friends, to get tested, and to shove in someones face the grim, rash reality that there going to prison for their entire life, is necessary, and don't get me wrong, I believe its what needs to be taught to prevent people from spreading HIV... but... come on, its 2012..  I was just at dinner the other night with a friend of mine and my parents and we were all discussing something and within, seconds the iPhones and Androids were out researching what we didn't know.  If someone unfortunately chooses not to be receptive towards or challenge to promote a healthier quality of life ... we can't get mad at them.  YES, if your going to be intimate with someone else, wear a condom, if your going to do IV drugs, use a clean needle, be smart about it, I sure wasn't and thats why I am here today with the issues I have.

What about... this - I Michael Lloyd, strongly, stand behind this final puzzle piece of giving thanks, we don't appreciate our friends enough, or our neighbors, or the woman who sits at the front desk of the local doctors office, or the government health department office doing ADAP...  I can honestly say, we take them for granted and don't thank them.  They love us, you out there, MOM & DAD, I love you so much.  Without our parents, or friends, we wouldn't be here, because were fighting so damn hard for people who aren't ever going to care, and thats unfortunate, but you can't lead a horse to water and force it to drink, but you can, thank those who do care, thank the ones who have made our lives easier possible.  I THANK YOU, to everyone of you who have been in my life and have helped me get to where I am today, and have embraced me for who I am, and I thats NOT my HIV STATUS.

Hi, I vote for equal rights, but your WRONG for having your own opinion.

What is it about the election that gets us all so fired up? Republican / Democrat, perhaps even independent, or I don't give a f#%@!! We all have our catch phrase many of which I will not say due to the mere factor that over the course of this election campaign and throughout the debates I have said my fair share of strong, factually supported realistic poin of views.

Now quickly if I may for those who may have been offender by my statements or comments regarding Obama's incompetency, and you don't like my lack of patriotism. Too bad!!! I've had to look at your political crap bashing a man who HAS EXPERIENCE with the only thing this country is based on, MONEY! Alright! Ill stop, I think we can all gather who I'm leaning towards, but lets get down to business here.


I want it known that maybe just because Your son or daughter or your doctor chooses to have a different opinion on politics doesn't make them a horrible person. Don't get me wrong after my endless rants bashing the world and the president I will continue to stand by my core values and beliefs and not let someone have enough power over me to offend me. All my rude comments are an opinion, were all created equal! What I chose to do in the bedroom, has been made public knowledge if you don't know my sexuality then that's really none of your business and if its of interest to you chances are you can find out who I like to roll around with in the sheets in 15 seconds. But is any of that REALLY the way we want to define ourself and show our children how we choose to define others? Not based on sexuality, but on judging someone and casting shame against them for voting for a different Political candidate that opposes their marriage opportunities? The beauty about this whole world we live in, is that without being able to put food on the table , or without a better economy, the small factorization of gay marriage has NO FACTOR in anything.

Lets go back to the beginning and after all I've got a major headache and the coffee pot just went off.... Many of you are voting for Obama, who SUPPORTS the end of hate, bullying, segregation, sexuality discrimination, don't you think as this election falls just over a weeks time away that we all show a little more love for one another and show our TRUE COLORS, rather than exhibit hate? I may be one washer up, gay, Christian, republican but one thing is for sure I can justify down and dot all my I's and cross all my T's, but one thing I won't do is bash someone just because everyone else is doing it and step back and say I support anti-bullying and hate.


Food forthought......


Happy Friday

Brave

       What is it about taking that next step, that were always so afraid of?  For year's I've been hesitant, and pushed out the idea of living my life to the fullest.  Always so quick to have an opinion, yet all the while, behind closed doors, I was shooting up, and doing risky sexual behavior, while neglecting those who loved me so much.  To answer that phone of a loved one and know in their voice, they were unsure if they'd ever talk to you again, was a tone of which was ignored for years - yet was blown off time after time, due to the selfish craving and desire of addiction.  The uncertainty of the unknown is such a complex realm, or if your need it in simpler terms,  a very grey area.  However it doesn't have to be grey, or complex.

   No dream is too big, nor too high to reach, each goal is beyond priceless, and unique to its beholder.  Not to sound too philosophical, but ultimately, as I talked about in my last blog, HIVHAVEN.COM - What do you Want Out Of Life? we all have that choice, that decision that only we can make, regardless of the negativity the outside world wants to stir up to interfere that choice, YOU have the power to follow through, and do anything you want to do.

    Not only have the past few months been remarkable, but they've flown by faster than a bullet leaving the barrel of a gun, as I talked about just after my break up in May It's all a Blur .  Everyone constantly talks about that closure, or going back with the eraser to clean up outside the lines of a drawing, but when you think about it, why would one, after coming so far, want to go back to their past, for granted we all go through, and yes I'm going to use my phrase, "crap", but why go backwards?

  The time between my trip to New York City with my best friend Kurt Wagner has been filled with so many precious opportunities, that I believe God put into my life for a reason, and if it wasn't for making that crucial decision in the sour relationship I had, most likely I'd still be falling into a pit.  And when I sit here this morning at 1:45, with suitcases on my bed, and clothes rumbling in the drier in preparation for my flight to Washington D.C. at 11:38 today for the International AIDS Conference, I sit and have chills, knowing, making that phone call, is the most precious thing anyone can do, but furthermore beyond that, opening your, heart and mind to the chance to make a risk, and accepting the possibility of failure but realizing one grows the most during times of uncertainty, hearing that voice on the other end of the phone ' I am so proud of you," is the most precious gift in the entire world.  STAND UP, BE BRAVE, AND MAKE THAT FIRST STEP.


Thank you all so much for the support, and prayers.

If your interested in supporting me for conference,  your welcome to Email Michael here and find out what ways you can help me on my trip.

LOve you all.

michael

what do you want out of life

     Over the past few years its seldom you'll hear me sit and say I have any regrets, mainly because if it wasn't for all the circumstances of which I puit myself in, and was put into on behalf of someone else, I wouldn't be here today.  Come to learn, and many people have this misconception, that were all in this together, for granted, if you have HIV, maybe thats your opinion, however ultimately, that comes down  to the mere ideology, what do you want out of life?

With the culmination of my methamphetamine addiction ending in, watching my fathers in tears in his lazy boy recliner and sitting in the backseat of a police car, going down the 408 ( East West Expressway - in Orlando, FL) at 3 am, in handcuffs.  That was an experience that I refuse to ever put myself into ever again.  Who know, back in 2008 when someone said, hey do you want to try a little bit of this, I would've said, 'yeah sure, why not?' Looking back, I was a freaking idiot.  Your probably wondering, how is it that someone so young, as I am 22 years old, could come to terms with the mere reality of the situation, and my addiction? It wasn't that difficult, I have been blogging now for a little over a year, and many people ask me, what inspired you to put your foot down and announce to the world, 'Hey! I am addicted to Meth!?" First and anyone who know's me directly can contest to the simple factor of, you have to be able to wake up and face yourself in the mirror everyday, and approve of what you see, otherwise nobody else will.  I've held on to that same reasoning for my self respect for years.  I constantly remind people, your human, we make mistakes, but, don't be merely mistaken by that and use it, as many do, for a crutch as to how you can get away with making bad decisions. 

 For a few months, I was living away from home with friends, rather a gay couple I met online, just after I was diagnosed with HIV back in January 2010.   If you were around in my life at that point you'll most likely remember me being beyond skinny, my eyes were always black, and I hardly ever left where I was, not to mention being on Adam4adam, for day's at a time, sometimes even 8 days upwards.  Needless to say, I'm sure I can come to terms with the fact that I wasn't in a good place what so ever in my life at that point.   

It was an odd situation, my brother graduated high school in June of 2010, I was still living downtown with this couple, and had been seeing someone, of which the relationship was solely based off of, smoking out of the glass pipe on the weekends, which previously for me, turned into shooting up. I remember refraining from drugs of any kind, that week prior, and I had the opportunity to get high just before Daniel's graduation, and I praise God for having angels protect over me, and lead me on the right path.  I specifically remember sitting at the old TD Waterhouse Center in Orlando, before they blew it up.  I was sitting my seat with my family and when they called his name amongst thousands, to walk across the stage I was filled with tears, "WOW!! My baby brother is graduating from high school!!!"  Insane, emotional moment, and was so happy to have been clean.  Over the next couple years I bounced back and forth between sobriety, and living under the influence of a controlled substance and refused to do anything about it.  

Negativity has always been something that, I've always, until recently identified or let bring me down, until I realized, and the common saying; ' nobody can make you inferior without your consent' goes to show in every situation, with another person.  Who's to say that anyone, regardless of who they are, or what purpose they serve in your life, is allowed to have any control over how you choose to feel about yourself.  Thats always been a battle with me.  Back in 2009 I was sexually abused by another man.  He was 27 at the time and I was about 19 I guess. For the past couple years, I chose to block that stage out of my life, and totally forget about it.  The mere shame or embarrassment that I put over myself like a child puts their head under the sheet at night when they cry themselves to sleep, is merely the same thing I was doing.  I finally came to terms with the rape last Monday, for a matter of fact.  It wasn't an easy thing, and with being in online talk radio, and beginning in HIV activism, I found it my role and responsibility on behalf of anyone else who was sexually abused, to come clean and go on the record on my show and talk about it.  Merely for that sense of relief within myself, but also, I stayed quiet for several years because I was afraid, I didn't have anyone to look up to , merely because nobody else had spoken out about being sexually abused within the gay community.  The disappointing thing is, people do talk about it, but wait and write books 30 years later.  Thinking back, with all the different crazy circumstances one creates for themselves based on holding grudges or harboring mixed feelings, your only making it harder on yourself.  With that said, I have been swamped with messages regarding the incident and my radio show last Wednesday, Straight to the Point with Michael Lloyd Dirty Laundry on Blog Talk Radio at 6:30 pm, asking me, how has this affected this around you.  My response has been, HOW HAS IT NOT?!!? Your friends and family may always act confused, or innocent in a situation but they know you the best and when something isn't right or not normal they know somethings going on, and merely ties directly back in to the single question you ask yourself every morning when you face yourself in the mirror; ' What do you Want Out of Life"  

I recently have been so blessed to land a job, and do my personal training work, as well as, moving forward, because ultimately if you choose to not move forward and dwell on what isn't than your never going to be able to embrace the future for what it could be.  

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